march joke thread

[winfred]

Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!

[winfred]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted....

[bahnstormer]

New Reports of Terrorist Activity
Did you hear about the Polish Terrorist who tried to put a scare into America?
He covered his monitor with Anthrax and then sent an e-mail to the President.


Did you hear about the Blond Terrorist who tried to put a scare into America?
She put the Anthrax into an envelope, then sealed it with a kiss...


Did you hear about the idiot Republican Terrorist who tried to put a scare into America?
He recently lost his hearing.






Investments
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time
they made love for the next 30 years, as he assumed it was a cute way
for her to buy new clothes, etc.

When she arrived home around noon one day, she found her husband in a
very disturbed and drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard
him tell of the ravages of financial ruin coming down on them as a
result of corporate down sizing and it's effects on them as a 50 year
old executive and wife.

The calm-headed wife loaded him into her car and drove down to the
local hospital; pointing to that fine structure, she informed him that
he owned the land it was built on and that they were paid $6000 per
month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest
for 12 years that totaled nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank and
handed him stock
certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informed him that he
was also the largest stockholder of the bank. She told him that for 30
years she had charged him each time they had sex, and all this was the
results of her investments.

By now he was very distraught and began beating his head against the
side of the car. She was amazed and asked him why he was so seemingly
disappointed at such good news.

He replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given
you all of my business!"






Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"


QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


DECEPTIVE SEX:

A man and his secretary are having a torrid affair. One afternoon they can't
contain their passion, so they rush over to her place where they spend the
afternoon making passionate love. When they're finished, they fall asleep,
not waking until 8 o'clock. They get dressed quickly, then the man tells his
secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered,
she does as he asks, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she
asks where he's been. The man replies, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary
and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place,
spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, notices his shoes and yells, "I can see those grass
stains on your shoes, YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't
you?"


CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man is in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" is mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assures him that modern medicine can give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it's
considered cosmetic.

The doctor says that the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for
"medium, $14,000 for "large." The man is sure he wants a medium or large,
but the doctor urges him to talk it over with his wife before he makes any
decision. The man calls his wife on the phone and explains their options.

The doctor comes back into the room, and finds the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asks the doctor.

The man answers, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[winfred]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[spider55]

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After
what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man
managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car
park
and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the
breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol
at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the
Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story.

[winfred]

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[spoolinturbo]

an 18 year old blonde just received a brand new convertible in celebration of her birthday. As shes leaving the dealership and enters the on-ramp she cuts off a tractor trailer. The tractor trailer driver flashes his lights and signals for her to pull over. The tractor trailer driver is on his last string today and not in a good mood. As he notices shes blonde he grabs a razor and a peice of chalk. He draws a circle on the side of the road, he says "stand in the cirlce and do not move" she obliges. He walks over to her car and starts to cut up her new leather seats with the razor. when hes finished he turns his head and sees shes giggling. this only brings the tractor trailer up a notch so he gets his little baseball bat out of his cab and knocks out the headlights and tail-lights. He looks over her shoulder and her laugh is even greater, more of a snicker with her hand over her mouth. this only confuses him, so he knocks off the mirrors and stabs the tires with the razor. No shes just out there laughing, so he goes to his cab and grabs a sledgehammer, and just goes to town on the convertible, nothing left untouched, completely distroyed...when hes done and exhausted he turns to her and shes on the ground just dying of laughter...he walks over and asks her "what the hell are u laughing about?!??" the blonde says..."every time you turn around i step outside the circle"

[lesage]

From Her Britannic Majesty's place...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[Javier]

Urgent

I’m selling in an urgent basis, at an unbeatable price,

BMW 325i, black/black, 1993, single owner, 30Kmi, no details with the exception of a small dent in the roof, as a result of a soccer balloon hit.

USD 1.500, negotiable, All documents OK.

Photo attached

[GJPinAU]

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."



Moral:
Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

[winfred]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're *******s!"

[winfred]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Beez540]

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[winfred]

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?".
Becky explained, "When I pull out a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away".
Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!".

[pundit]

I think this is clever... and oh so true!!

http://clients.net2000.com.au/~rowmat/ikeajobinterview.jpg

[632 Regal]

<DIV> A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me '! How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!'"

<FONT face=Arial color=black size=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF" BACK="#ffffff" PTSIZE="10"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">

[winfred]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[winfred]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

[zygoteer]

It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.
It is important to find a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
However, its absolutely important that these four women don't know each other

[Javier]

specialized in executions, so after several selection sessions, they hold two men and a woman. The day for the final test, they organize a set to select the agent that will follow the instructions, no matter what they are, so they addressed the first man and told him.

Have this fire gun; walk in that room, you will find your wife. Kill her.

The man answered them that they should be joking, as he would never kill his wife, so they told him that he was not the guy for the job, and sent him home.

They went to the second man, and gave him same instructions. He got into the room and after a wile, got out, tears on his eyes, telling he couldn’t kill her, so they asked him to take his wife, and go home.

They took the woman and instructed similarly. The woman got in the room, and even before the door was shut close, they heard the firing gun to the last cartridge. Then they heard some mess and hitting in the room, and shortly after the woman came out claiming:

Why didn’t you tell me they were dummy bullets, I had to kill him with my bare hands.

[winfred]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[632 Regal]

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at
work. Not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again

[632 Regal]

Headlines from 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

[winfred]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

[gale]

Fishing trip:

So I woke up really early one Saturday morning, quietly got out of bed & got dressed trying not to wake up my wife. I went out to the garage & hooked up the boat to the truck, & pulled down the driveway. There was a freezing rain mixed with snow & the wind was blowing with gusts up to 50 mph, so I quietly went back in the house & turned on the weather channel & they said it was going to be like that all day, so I put the boat back in the garage, parked the truck, went inside & quietly undressed & got back into bed, snuggled up to my wife & said "Man, the weather is really nasty outside" She say's "Yeah, and can you believe it, my husband is out fishing in that crap!"

[winfred]

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

[Kalevera]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[winfred]

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"

[winfred]

n a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers...."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[TheDuke]

Somewhere in the Wild West, in a small town a guy runs to a bar and starts yelling “The black rider is coming, the black rider is commin!!!” Everyone knowing stories about the rider being the worst outlaw west of Mississippi fled the bar in fear. Next day, same thing happens some guy runs inn, yells the black rider is coming, everyone is gone in the very instance. It happens on a third day. Some folk runs in and yells “The Black rider is coming” everyone flees again, except for a curious bartender who decides to stay and hide behind the counter to see the famous criminal. After few minutes of waiting a big 6.8ft black guy comes in, slowly walks to the counter looks around, and notices a frightened bartender. He looks at him, and goes:
-Give me a blow job.
The poor guy has no other choice so he starts doing it.
-Go faster; the black guy replies
-OK
-Faster!!!!!
-Alright- bartender replies
-FASTER!!!!!!!!!!
-But I can’t, and why do you want it so fast?; frightened man asks
-BECAUSE THE BLACK RIDER IS COMING!!!!!

[Kalevera]

That's disgusting.

[632 Regal]

A young couple, Billy Bob and Ellie Sue, are out for a romantic
walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they
stroll, Billy Bob's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when Ellie Sue says, "I hope you
don't mind but I really do need to pizz."

Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't
you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Billy Bob
waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her
voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to
contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Billy Bob
reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly
brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment, finds himself gripping a long, thick
appendage hanging between her legs.

Billy Bob shouts in horror, "Oh no, Ellie Sue, have you changed
your sex?"

"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shyt
instead."