*******april joke thread********

[winfred]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Zeuk in Oz]

The Celtic manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Henrik Larsson and hopefully win Celtic the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker whom he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Celtic manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Parkhead.

Two weeks later Celtic are 4-0 down to Rangers with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Celtic.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. “Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Glasgow in the first
place!"

[Rory535i]

haha. very good zeuk

[winfred]

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

[winfred]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their own design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
using a knive, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fith was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and ****ed it and called it a cunt.

[632 Regal]

Hillary's first night as President - YEAR 2008



Hillary Clinton is spending her first night in the White House as president. She has waited so long . . . . .

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[GJPinAU]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*** off" said the old lady. "I haven't got
any money" and she proceeded to shut the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.

"Don't be so hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her hallway
carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."

[bahnstormer]

good one!

[winfred]

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

[GJPinAU]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. *She gets into the cab, and the cab driver starts staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't *want to offend you". *She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. *When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. *I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: *#1, you have to be single and *#2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. *"Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. *I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[pundit]

An aging down-on-her-luck prostitute gets into a cab after being evicted from an under 30's singles bar. She is short of cash but doesn't let on until the driver arrives at her destination.

"Er... look" says the hooker.
"I'm kinda a bit short on cash just at the moment... so maybe there's something else I can offer you instead"

With that she winks at the driver and hoists up her skirt whilst spreading her legs revealing that she is wearing no panties.

"Well how about it... what do you say then?"

"Jeesh!" says the driver looking somewhat stunned.
"Haven't you got anything smaller?" :D

[bjl4776]

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

[Kalevera]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Voodoo]

A wounded guy on a stretcher:
- Where are you taking me?
- To the morgue.
- But I'm not dead yet !!!
- But we're not there yet.

[Voodoo]

Three young guys are sitting at a table in a bar. A drunk man comes and pointing to the one in the middle says:
- Your mamma is the biggest whore in town!
Everyone is expecting to see a fight but the young guy does not react, so the drunk goes away for a while.
After 10 minutes he comes again:
- I banged your mother last night and it was great!
The young guy is still calm and refuses to start a fight.
Another 10 minutes and the drunk is back:
- Your mamma gave me a blowjob last night!
Finally the young guy loses his temper:
- Go home, dad! You’re drunk.

[Voodoo]

Two fleas win the lottery.
- What are you gonna do with your money?
- First, I'm gonna buy a dog of my own.

[Voodoo]

An admiral inspects a big war ship. He asks the captain:
- Are there any homosexuals on board?
- Only one, whom we are all banging.

[Voodoo]

A tired man comes home from work. As he enters the apartment complex he lives in, he notices there is no electricity on the staircase. Trying to find his way in the complete dark he hears a feminine voice:
- Do you have a lighter for my cigarette?
The guy thinks very quickly and he says:
- Yes, on one condition: you give me a blowjob in return.
The women is not very happy but she agrees. After finishing the cigarette she gets on her knees doing what she promised. All of the sudden, the lights are back on. The girl looks up:
- Dad … it’s you !?!
- Emma … you smoke !?!

[winfred]

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman."
The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price."
The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't ****ed nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old dick is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass."
So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a ice bucket with a few Lone Star long necks and proceeds up the stairs.
When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town."
The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States."
Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table.
Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball.
A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way."
To which the wench replies, "I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."

[digitaldragon03]

A man is teaching his son how to pee while standing up. He takes him into the bathroom and gives him 3 simple steps to follow.

1. Unzip your pants and pull it out.
2. Pull the skin back.
3. Let it flow.

So the kid does it. He even says the step number as he goes along. "Step 1...step 2...step 3." The father is delighted that he did it all by himself. Later that night he hears the boy go into the bathroom. The father rushes to the bathroom and puts his ear against the door. He listens to his son talking to himself, "Step 1....... step 2.....step 2...step 2..step 2. step 2. step 2. step 2..........."

[Voodoo]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him.
The girl said "No".
And the guy lived happily ever after.

[632 Regal]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Dang, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

[winfred]

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re- booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.

[winfred]

Two missionaries were traveling through the jungle in search of converts to their religion when they were set upon by a band of native warriors.
They were taken back to the village and put before the Chief.
The Chief, angry at the missionaries, gives them the choice of DEATH or BUNGA - BUNGA.
The younger missionary, not wanting to die, decides he will choose BUNGA - BUNGA.
He is taken to the center of the village and bent over a large barrel, after which all of the warriors take turns Sodomizing him.
After the warriors were satisfied with him, he was let go.
Mean while the older missionary was brought before the Chief.
"DEATH or BUNGA - BUNGA" bellowed the Chief, "What will it be?"
After seeing what happened to his younger companion, he said, " You savages can screw yourselves. I will take DEATH!!!"
"Fine" says the Chief. "It will be DEATH by BUNGA - BUNGA..."

[winfred]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[winfred]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you..."


The drunk replies; "****."

[tdgard]

Why do women have periods?

So they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

[winfred]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

[gale]

"It was my first day with the hook"

Prolly died from jock itch :p

gale

[winfred]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."

[632 Regal]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years...".

[winfred]

Things To Ponder

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Kalevera]

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're ********ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[winfred]

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

[winfred]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive.
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill answered the son. I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Am Piobaire]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their @rse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F**king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fcuking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f**king McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[632 Regal]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache!"

[Jose]

Good one!!! My wife didn´t like it though !!! I guess reality sucks !!!!