**********January Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

A very elderly gentleman (mid nineties), very well
dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel
smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked after
image, walks into an
up-scale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
elderly looking lady
(mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along
side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I
come here often?"
==================================
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%. The
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear
again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will three times!"
==================================
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center, were
sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says . .
. "Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I
know you're about
my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants.

========================

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly
gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at
his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to
leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly
let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife
was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."

[dacoyote]

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf.

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson.

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac.

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh.

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P.J. O'Rourke (1989).

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people!" Conan O'Brien.

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" Jay Leno.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Let! terman.

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." Ted Nugent.

"War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II. The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" Tom Brokaw.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." Alan Kent.

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton.

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO).

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller.

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO).

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise ! in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

[dacoyote]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"Yes." "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Who says red necks aren't real bright!)?

[dacoyote]

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen.

It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"

My computer is called "My Computa"

The Inbox is referr ed to as "Da Trunk"

Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"

Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"

Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

OK...........Sure ting
Cancel......Fugetaboutit
Reset........Start ova
Yes............Yeah
No..............Nah
Find............Put a contract out on
Browse........Get a looksee
Back...........U-Toin
Help...........Get your own ansa
Stop............Knock it off
Start............Move it
Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)

[winfred]

A man is jogging in the park when he comes across a 98 year old man weeping on a park bench. The jogger stops to see if he is ok. The old man replies "Life couldn't be better. I'm living with a nineteen year old nymphomaniac! In the morning when I wake up we have sex. Then she brings me breakfast in bed. After breakfast we have sex again and I have my mid-morning nap." He continued "We normally eat out for lunch at a nice restaurant and then it's back into bed for 'afters'. Then I spend the afternoon watching sports or old movies before she cooks dinner for me..." "...Oh, did I mention she was a gourmet chef? After dinner we have sex again and I finally collapse in bed exhausted and ready for a restful nights sleep." Surprised, the jogger asks "That's my idea of bliss! Why in the world are you so upset?" Through his tears the old man weeps "I can't remember where I live!".

[Jr ///M5]

A Hypnotist is performing at the Senior Citizens center today and the building is a sell out crowd. There isn't a seat that doesn't have a white hair senior citizen in it.

The Hypnotist explains to the crowd that he will begin to hypnotize the entire audience, and pulls out his infamous gold watch.

After just a few moments of inducing his trance upon the senior citizens, the watch suddenly slips from his grasp and plummets to the floor smashing into a hundred pieces.

"AW ****!!!", cried the hypnotist.


It took them 3 weeks to clean the Senior Center.

[dacoyote]

Subject: How do these people survive?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers " that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what
she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
----------------------------------------------

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

[winfred]

A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime colored trousers,
a puff sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "what in the world is wrong with
you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to
Sears and buys me ********** suit."

[winfred]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Javier]

A nice father going home from work, remember it is her daughter's birthday, so stop by Toys’r’us for a present. Asked the sales woman about the price of a Barbie and she answers:

Well, we have Barbie goes to Gym at 19.95, Barbie plays Volleyball at 19.95, Barbie goes shopping at 19.95, Barbie goes swingin at 19.95, Barbie goes dancing at 19.95, and Barbie divorced at 265.95.

Surprised, the guy asks:

Whoa, what make Barbie divorced so expensive?

and the sales woman answers:

Sir, Barbie divorced comes with Kent’s car, Kent’s house, Kent’s boat, Kent’s furniture, Kent’s computer and even with a Kent’s friend.

[632 Regal]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering
me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more
than a pleasant view
of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was
in
total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled
off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for
a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight
towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We
couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of the story is.....Always keep your condoms in your
car.

[winfred]

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!"

[winfred]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill> Clinton.> > One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the> proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him> an A+ for this report:> >

Titanic: $29.99> Clinton: $29.99> >

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read> Clinton: Over 3 hours to read>

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent> catastrophe.> Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent> catastrophe.> >

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.> Clinton: Bill is a ******** artist.> >

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.> Clinton: Ditto for Bill.> >

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.> Clinton: Ditto for Monica.> >

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.> Clinton: Let's not go there.> >

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.> Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.> >

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.> Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.> >

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.> Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.> >

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.> Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[632 Regal]

During class, a teacher trying to teach proper manners, asks the students. "If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Scott jumps to his feet and says: "Just a minute sweetcakes, I have to go pee." "That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Peter, How would you say it?" "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

[632 Regal]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[Javier]

As if we need proof ................

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them
during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs
of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??????)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind !")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,
who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; Is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But, of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well, ......... not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper is always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of .. ?) (Did the government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[632 Regal]

this is an exacting science?

[angrypancake]

i'm moving to guam

[winfred]

An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream. The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”
“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.
“I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the increasingly agitated husband.
“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.
The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with a bag of bagels.
His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?”

[632 Regal]

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

[winfred]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[winfred]

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So they buried her....

[mikell]

It's not just for breakfast . . .

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
> sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
> pharmacist about Tequila.
>
> Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
> about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of
> your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
> to do just about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with
> a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
> prevent you from living the life you want to live.
>
> Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
> discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
> living, with Tequila.
>
> Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
> nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind
> nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
>
> Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
> erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
> money, loss of virginity, loss of dignity, delusions of grandeur,
> table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing
> Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and
> Naked Twister.
>
> Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.(tm)

[winfred]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

[RobPatt]

...which is an audience participation strip club... but guam is tame compared to some places... <smile>
i'm moving to guam

[winfred]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses .One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds,he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later,another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been those thieving ****ers at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna

[winfred]

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and **** in your purse. I'm done."

[Barry]

My boss went to hospital to have an ******* transplant......sad....the ******* rejected him.....







Farmers kid walks out of the barn one morning,kicks a chicken,hits the pig with the broom and wallops the cow with the rake....
Gets to the breakfast table and mom says"NO breakfast for you ,young man-you kicked the chicken that gives us eggs,you hit the pig that gives us bacon,and you hit the cow that gives us milk,so No breakfast!!!!

Just then the ol` man comes stumbling downstairs and kicks the cat and sends it flying...
Kid turns to his mom.."Are you going to tell him or shall I?????????"





2 blonds are walking in the African bush and stumble across some tracks.
"Hey,look at these elephant tracks!!"
"No stupid,thats girrafe!!"
Dont be silly,elephant!!"
"Girrafe!!"

Seconds later they`re both killed by a train.........................

[mikell]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. !

[winfred]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

[mikell]

Stud Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit...third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

[mikell]

New Stores . . . . . .

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.








A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[winfred]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...............And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

you gotta love Grandmas!

[ajt3nc]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".

[ajt3nc]

While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what exactly do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" "To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

[winfred]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[Barry]

Lady,naked from bathroom,hears knock on door
"Who`s there?"
"Blind man,Can I come in??"
Lady opens door
Man says"nice ****,where must I hang the blinds?"

[dacoyote]

Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

[winfred]

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."