joke

[winfred]

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point,madam. Just imagine,if I was playing with your **** twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

[Stacy (Sydney)]

Montoya walks into a bar with his pet octopus. The octopus declares that he ( Occy ) can play any musical instrument.
1) A busker passes over his guitar - Occy lets rip like Hendrix.
2) a drinker points out a nearby piano - Occy takes a seat - Thelonious monk would be impressed.
3) a set of bag pipes is tossed over - Occy is frozen.
Montoya - " go on and play it"
Occy - " play it?? - once I figure out how to take her pyjamas off I'm going to $^%^$%$?$%^&"

[Bimmer Nut Ed]

Good, uns!

[ryan roopnarine]

posting a pic of montoya's current squeeze so i can further appreciate this joke??????? :D

[ryan roopnarine]

here she is, she looks decent and all, but i still don't get the octopus joke.http://www.fernandezracing.net/Photos/AF/2003/cartagena/3.jpg

[Brian C.]

.....as in "bagpipes". Ya know, looks like a little sumpin'-sumpin' to an octopus.......... :p

Brian C.

[ryan roopnarine]

a set of bagpipes looks like P***y to an octopus, i just thought the behaviour of the octopus was supposed to be somewhat indicative to the character of the owner.


.....as in "bagpipes". Ya know, looks like a little sumpin'-sumpin' to an octopus.......... :p

Brian C.

[ryan roopnarine]

she knows how to dress though,and has some excessively large bresteses, things are a little less cheery up close, with no sunglasses on, suprising how much i hear shes "foiine" tho..

http://plaza.ufl.edu/rroopnar/3359067802.jpg

[Stacy (Sydney)]

I was hoping to contribute to a long series of joke threads - started by Winfred. Throwing in the "Montoya" reference was a visual gag/in the spirit of Beemers.( F1 needs more characters like Eddy Irvine - or some of the guys from the GP Bike gig ).

[GJPinAU]

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point,madam. Just imagine,if I was playing with your **** twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

[ryan roopnarine]

i still thought it was amusing regardless.


I was hoping to contribute to a long series of joke threads - started by Winfred. Throwing in the "Montoya" reference was a visual gag/in the spirit of Beemers.( F1 needs more characters like Eddy Irvine - or some of the guys from the GP Bike gig ).

[winfred]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."

[Stacy (Sydney)]

A doctor in Thesaloniki is in the middle of operating on a scrotum, when he realises that a cat in the surgery has eaton a testicle. ( nuts are placed on a saucer during surgery, many cats roaming Greece ). What to do ? - Dr imrovises, grabs an onion and cuts to fit.
At the follow up consultation, Dr asks Mr Papalokopolousakis how he has been post op:
- getting it up - " yes yes , big like a yeeros"
- bangin the wife - " Maria screams my name every night"
- anything unusual ?? - " Yes come to think of it, every time Maria gives me blow job, she starts crying"

[winfred]

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference."
The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?""Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.."His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?""Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.

[winfred]

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF!....she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows." Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

[Stacy (Sydney)]

Great stuff - I'm out of gags , so I'll pass on a few things Jack Brabham said at his book launch the other week. ( Jack was an ozzy 3 times f1 world champ, in a car he built - great book just released " The Jack Brabham story ").
1) After being pulled over by a cop in the late 60's for speeding - who do you think you are ? Stirling Moss? - Jack " No , but I enjoyed beating him".
2) Jack's Honda motor packs it in during a race - notices the press nearby, and they'll ask what broke - he removes the gear stick - gets out of the car and walks towards the press with the gear stick in hand. Why ? He knew Honda would hate the bad press, so he covered for them. Honda for many years would talk of this moment.

[winfred]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat
watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .
please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[winfred]

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Native American and she said, "only once," and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"

[winfred]

oldie but goodie
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her ****." "Play with her ****"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

[Stacy (Sydney)]

Happened to me mates bird - Shazza - Bazza used a crow bar - footy was about to start and we needed her off the floor fast to get some beer and start workin' the barby.

[Am Piobaire]

Yes, this is a good joke - I would hazard a guess that I am probably the only E34 owner on the group who plays bagpipes - so I especially enjoyed it
In case some of you have wondered what am_piobaire means - it's Gaelic for "The Piper"

Andrew,
1988 white E34 525i
absolutely stockers

[winfred]

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[632 Regal]

Lmao