****** March Joke Thread ******

[DaCan23]

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[dacoyote]

A Parrot Named "Chet"


One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[632 Regal]

joke threads need 10 ****s on each side so it conforms with the rest.


lol ;)

[dacoyote]

joke threads need 10 ****s on each side so it conforms with the rest.


lol ;)

lol.... thats what you get for slacking....

[Akhil]

1# Fly Around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read:

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."


2# Which Type of Woman Is Yours?

HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman: She forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET woman: Difficult to access.

SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife" when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.



3# Layoffs!


Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Parliament said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Parliament said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two advisors. One to do the studies and one to write the reports

Then Parliament said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer.

Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

[Akhil]

1# Computers Gender


A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Now, you decide what to call a Computer...



2# Murphys Law

Re-interpretation of Murphys' laws. You know whom to blame for all your problems from now on .....

Murphy's Technology Law 1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law 2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law 3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law 4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law 5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law 6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law 7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law 8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law 9:
All's well that ends.

Murphy's Technology Law 10:
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law 11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law 12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law 13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law 14:
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law 15:
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law 16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law 17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.


3# Tech Support for Cars!

If People Thought of Cars like they do about Computers - Tech-support people will find this especially amusing...

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did . . .


Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline : "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"



Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know!?"
Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"



Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
Helpline: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- . and now it won't start!"
Helpline: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"



Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer : "How do I work it?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"


4# Unusual funeral procession

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral ike this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Join the queue."

[winfred]

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Albert Einstein

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
Abraham Lincoln

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly
Abraham Lincoln

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick
George Burns

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Henry Youngman

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Benjamin Franklin

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language
George W Bush

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Albert Einstein

[winfred]

Steven Wright:

I have a large collection of seashells.....Maybe you've seen it.....I keep it scattered across beaches all over the world.

Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

What's the youngest you can die of old age?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?



Johnny Carson interviewing Arnold Palmer:

JC: "What routine do you follow before a tournament?"

AP: "My wife gives my balls a kiss."

JC: "I bet that really makes your putter stand up!"

[dacoyote]

Dear Abby,

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to
satisfy your physical needs as a man." Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time With her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went Christmas shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so

excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[winfred]

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3.'

I said, "6," replies Tony.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Tony says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to
go."

Brooklyn Tony thinks for a bit and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!"


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!' "


Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candybars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business."


Brooklyn Tony on THINKING

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence,
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

[632 Regal]

We Rednecks are sick and tired of hearing about how
dumb we are, and we challenge any of you smart aleck
Yankees to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
A). A '65 Ford Fairlane
B). A '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C). A '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine an hour, how many
car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. Three men have chainsaws which operate at 2700 RPM.
The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14
inches. How many cans of beer will be drunk before the
trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and
the porch length is 16 feet. The porch
floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. How many dogs will be
killed when the porch collapses?

6. A man owns a house on 3.7 acres of land in a holler
with an average slope of 15%. The man has five
children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability
that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town which has been bypassed
by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha' thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya?

Its okay if ya'll didn't do all that well. Just goes
to show ya...there's a whole heap of things that big
city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE",
here's some southerly advice that may come in handy
down the road a piece...Next time
you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza
shop and place a delivery order. When they go to
deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

[632 Regal]

Three guys, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an ARMY ENGINEER are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The Army engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable.

The Army engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[clhorton]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

[clhorton]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[winfred]

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a Beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose In a hanging basket!"

[winfred]

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel..and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Unless it is a Jeep or a vintage Mopar, Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

[winfred]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[winfred]

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

[Kalevera]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish pilot. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests,"Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

[winfred]

A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub. As often happens in pubs, they began boasting. The lion said, "I'm the King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle". The gorilla said, "That's nothing. I'm the King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming".

Both the lion and the gorilla turned to face the chicken who says, "Roaring, beating, pah! That's nothing. When I sneeze ten million people **** themselves!"

[632 Regal]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This REALLY impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown."

[winfred]

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He Tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he coul d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning,
Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Zeuk in Oz]

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He Tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he coul d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning,
Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Dear forum members and Winfred :

My Name is Per-Olof Adolf Johannson I am a Swede and live in Sundsvall. I am a very faithful and dedicated drunkard, the vocation that is always teaching us to shake and not stir those who offend us and pray to Odin to forgive them for their light ale. I have been a member of this forum for the past 2 lifetimes and have been enjoying every drop of "brennvin".
Unfortunately I have to stop using the forum and sacrifice the good information and advice I am getting from you guys because I do not tolerate someone making fun of my vocation.
Winfred has a joke in this thread that says as part of a joke (which does not have the Irish as an example showing that he knows that he should not make fun of Swedes) "Ole is a drunken twit who puts white-out on computer screens and band-aids on mirrors".
I am truly disappointed and will have to highlight something before stopping to use this forum which does not respect my vocation at all for good.
1) Thor rules and governs our lives and does do us right and wrong but the wrongs are always because of our behaviours and miss-management to Thor's blessings on us.
2) Our religion is based on Valhalla and our beloved prophet Thor rules and these both ask us to respect other drunkards and co-exist with them, which apparantly Winfred does not know
3) Making fun of your and other people's drunkardness is definitely no joking matter and should be stopped immediately

I am truly feeling bad that I have to stop using the forum and hope you read about brennvin before looking in this improper way towards it. We are people whom Thor has chosen to give this wonderful vocation to and he will whip us with birch branches us if we do not stand-up for our beliefs and his rulings.
Thor bless and forgive us all
Per-Olof Adolf

[winfred]

now that's funny right there i don't care who ya are :D

[632 Regal]

Definetly a keeper! LMFAO

[632 Regal]

The Scotsman

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run".

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN".

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun".

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[winfred]

"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl"

There are two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden, a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I ****ing hate Indians, last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one, so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine, so the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Whilst in the middle of doing this, Murphy suddenly says, "Paddy, look at this." Paddy replies, "Not now, I'm busy." Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Paddy keeps on sawing and says, "Look, **** off, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Murphy's adamant. "Please, Paddy look at this." So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the ravine are 5,000 red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "**** me, we're going to be millionaires!"

There was this guy who was half Irish, half Jewish. He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.

A Irishman, Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says, there has been a problem." We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Irishman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the 3 babies " I'll take that one," he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on," says the Doctor, "that 's obviously not your son, he's as brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white." "I know, " replies the Irishman, "but one of the other two is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish!

One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the bitch."

A traditional Irish greeting is "Dia's Muitre dhuit." What does it mean? "God and Mary be with you."

This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off while ****ing, but he never notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about ready to come he notices something fall out of her box. Picking it up, he reads: "Rothstein & Lieberman, Tailors". "Jesus Christ," the Irishman says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"

What's the difference between a Kennedy and an Irishman? After 3 shots the Irish guy is still standing.

[winfred]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."
About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[632 Regal]

After living in the remote wilderness of Indiana all his life,
an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he
remembered his wife, Lizzy didn't like his daddy.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

[632 Regal]

> HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
>
> God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for
> you that will make your lives better."
>
> The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
>
> And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
>
> "Can you give us an example?"
>
> "Thou shall not kill."
>
> "Not kill? We're not interested."
>
> So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
>
> The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor
> thy Father and Mother."
>
> "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not
> interested."
>
> Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
>
> The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou
> shall not steal."
>
> "Not steal? We're not interested."
>
> Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
>
> The French, too, wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou
> shall not commit adultery."
>
> "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
>
> Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
>
> "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
>
> "They're free."
>
> "We'll take 10."
>
> There, that ought to offend just about everybody!

[632 Regal]

While walking in the woods on Brokeback Mountain a man came up to
another guy hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against
it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished
telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked
around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,

"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

[632 Regal]

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they
arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first
guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing
but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.

The guy's thinking, "screw you! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs
into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my
wife."

The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked
women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there
for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His was instantly hard and
he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."

The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot
tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death
bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian
style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three
men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an
empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or
showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, crap and urine. "I'll
never drink again!" he says.

The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to
give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even
faster than when he went in. "I'm frigging gay!" he screams.

The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and
gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has
changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was
100 years ago.

The devil asks him if he learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.

"You gotta a light man?"

[632 Regal]

> Some old, some new, all good...
>
> LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
>
> 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
> he was God and I didn't.
>
> 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>
> 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>
> 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>
> 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
> 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
>
> 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>
> 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>
> 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>
> 10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
>
> 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>
> 12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
> medicine.
>
> 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
>
> 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>
> 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>
> 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>
> 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
>
> 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
> Grew up.
>
> 19.. Procrastinate Now!
>
> 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
>
> 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
> 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
>
> 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
>
> 24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
>
> 25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
>
> 26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
> thousand times the memory.
>
> 27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
> commitment for a pig.
>
> 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
>
> 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
>
> 30.. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for

[632 Regal]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabama man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.........

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Washington D. etc, etc, etc.

[mikell]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt.

[mikell]

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. : Bad it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[winfred]

THE HORSE RACE

THE LINEUP:
In lane 1: Passionate Lady.
In lane 2: Bare Belly.
In lane 3: Silk Panties.
In lane 4: Conscience.
In lane 5: Jockey Shorts.
In lane 6: Clean Sheets.
In lane 7: Thighs.
In lane 8: Big Dick.
In lane 9: Heavy Bosom.
In lane 10: Merry Cherry.

AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF.
Conscience is left behind at the gate... Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured and Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot...

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick...

AT THE STRETCH:
It's Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.....Big Dick is making a final drive... Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming...

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got....Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up.....and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!

[Scott H]

The salesman

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Seattle and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[dacoyote]

A man is in an airplane and he knocks his spoon off his table. A flight attendant comes and hands him a spoon from his pocket.

And the man says "wow. Do all you addendants carry extra spoons?"

To which the attendent replies "Yes, we did a survey and found that over 80% of people drop their spoons, so we carry extra ones."

"oh." says the man "hey, what's that hanging out of your fly?"

"Oh says the flight attendent "we took another survey and found that it takes us too long to wash our hands after we go to the bathroom. So we decided to attach pieces of string to our dicks so we wouldn't have to wash our because we didn't touch anything.

And the man says "oh, but how do you get your dick back in your pants?"

To which the attendent replies "i don't know about othere guys but I use the spoon."

[trumpetr]

A Blonde, who lives on the coast, takes her BMW into the dealership and tells the mech,,,"It just isnt running right." He tells her he heeds a couple of hours to check things out. So, she goes over to a nearby restaraunt to have lunch.
She returns a couple of hours later and asks the mech. if he found anything wrong.
He tells her "well, it looks like you blew a seal." She wipes the corner of her mouth and says "no,,,thats just mayo from my sandwich."

[scott540]

The original or another version of this one has a penguin driving through arizona and his car breaks down. While there, he goes and gets some ice cream becasue it's so hot out. He tries hard to eat the ice cream but since he's a penguin and only has flippers he get it all over himself. When he gets back to the garage the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" The penguin says, "no I was just eating ice cream".






A Blonde, who lives on the coast, takes her BMW into the dealership and tells the mech,,,"It just isnt running right." He tells her he heeds a couple of hours to check things out. So, she goes over to a nearby restaraunt to have lunch.
She returns a couple of hours later and asks the mech. if he found anything wrong.
He tells her "well, it looks like you blew a seal." She wipes the corner of her mouth and says "no,,,thats just mayo from my sandwich."

[winfred]

Bears and loggers......

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight-seeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" / "Bush
Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling
frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10
foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of
them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?"
"It was the Pope", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has
access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or
do we need to go back to town and get us another one?"

Wonder if it would work for gators????

[winfred]

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[angrypancake]

...so whats "winfred's law?"

[winfred]

no good deed goes unpunished


...so whats "winfred's law?"