**********April Joke Thread********** [Archive]

632 Regal

03-31-2006, 08:15 AM

Lets start the month off by picking on the Scottish. It offends me and I'm not comming back because of this abuse!
============================

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Africans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the
pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no Blacks depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch

632 Regal

03-31-2006, 08:22 AM

Subject: Teachers Question

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 7 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not
be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times it
normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervoulsy, and said, "The body
part that increases 7 times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin." She then turned to Mary and
continueded, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1. you have a dirty mind
2. you didn't read your homework assignment; and
3. one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

joshua43214

03-31-2006, 09:40 AM

Why do brides wear white?

So that your dishwasher will match your refridgerator and stove.

632 Regal

03-31-2006, 10:28 PM

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the
country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The
hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than
let liquor touch these lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
"****, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

winfred

03-31-2006, 11:00 PM

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a **** in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like ****. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

mikell

04-01-2006, 09:25 AM

What do an Alabama divorce and a tornado have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer before it's all over.

632 Regal

04-01-2006, 11:08 AM

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

WOOFS - Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

winfred

04-01-2006, 09:50 PM

new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

trumpetr

04-02-2006, 12:01 PM

In keeping with the Scottish joke theme:.......

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"OCH!! Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

632 Regal

04-02-2006, 06:14 PM

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his

sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted

the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his

breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he

walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll

inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,

three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men...

632 Regal

04-02-2006, 06:17 PM

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"

Well" says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face

632 Regal

04-03-2006, 08:40 AM

She was in the kitchen putting on boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks
in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very
moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and
they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

Zeuk in Oz

04-03-2006, 03:48 PM

An Australian, a New Zealander and a South African are in a bar one
night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink
with the same ones twice."

Zeuk in Oz

04-03-2006, 05:01 PM

Politically Correct

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to

as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY

INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of

"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR

CLEAVAGE...

winfred

04-03-2006, 09:18 PM

"All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah,

blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER." --Dennis Leary

632 Regal

04-05-2006, 10:58 AM

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden
one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No" said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If
they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from
deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Arkansas Gazette Newspaper
read...

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

632 Regal

04-05-2006, 11:03 AM

Dad, Can I Use The Car?

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His
father said "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and
we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks
they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been
real proud.

You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study
groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your
hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible
that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?"

trumpetr

04-05-2006, 11:36 AM

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale
Ph.D candidate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a word, then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
>The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand,
Trekk'd a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu."
>
The crowd went crazy. No way the redneck could top that, they thought.
However, the redneck calmly took his place on the stage and recited:

"Me and Tim
A-huntin' went,
Met three whores
In a pop-up tent.
Now, They was three,
And we was two,
So I bucked one,
And Timbuktu."
>
>The redneck won hands-down.

trumpetr

04-05-2006, 11:55 AM

A Scotsman named MacGregor went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
MacGregor in the eye, and said, "Ah hae some bad news fore ye. Ye hae'
cancer, and it can'nae be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
MacGregor was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room.
There, he saw his son who had been waiting.
MacGregor said, "Well son, we Scots celebrate when things are good, and
we celebrate when things are nae so good. In this case, things are nae so
well. I've got th' cancer, an ah been given a shorrt time to live. Let's head for
the pub, and have a few drams."

After 3 or 4 pints, and a few drams, the two were feeling a
little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of MacGregors' old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
MacGregor told them that the Scots celebrate the good and the
bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending
end.
He told his friends, "I've only a wee time to live, as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave MacGregor their condolences, and they had a
few more pints. After his friends left, MacGregors' son leaned over and
whispered his confusion: "Da, I raeconed you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

MacGregor said, "Aye! I am dying of cancer, lad. But I dont want
the lot of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
> >

trumpetr

04-05-2006, 12:07 PM

A Scotsman was sitting on his front porch,

watching the sunrise. He saw the neighbor's kid walk by

carrying something big under his arm.

He yelled out, "Hey lad, whatcha got there?"

The boy yelled back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man said, "Wha' ye gonna do with that?"

The boy said, "Gonna catch me some chickens."

The old man yelled, "You damn fool... you can'nae catch

chickens with chicken wire!" The young boy just laughed and

kept walking.

That evening at sunset the boy came walking by and to the

old man's surprise he was dragging behind him the chicken

wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The same time the next morning, the old man was out watching

the sun rise again, and saw the boy walk by, carrying

something kind of round in his hands.

The old man yelled out, "Hey lad, whatcha got there?"

The boy yelled back, "A roll of duck tape."

The old man replied, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy said, "Gonna catch me some ducks, mister."

The old man hollered back, "You damn fool... you can'nae catch

ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughed and kept walking

past.

That night around sunset, the boy walked on his way home,

and to the old man's amazement the boy trailed behind him

the unrolled tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man saw the boy walking by

carrying a bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the

ends.

The old man said, "Hey lad, whatcha got there wi' ye now?"

The boy said, "Pussy Willows."

"Wait there.... let me get me hat..."

winfred

04-05-2006, 09:01 PM

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Zeuk in Oz

04-05-2006, 10:39 PM

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all

been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
******** and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

dacoyote

04-06-2006, 06:55 AM

winfred

04-06-2006, 09:57 AM

****ing off still gets you 97%

For what it's worth...

Teamwork gets you 106% :-)

dacoyote

04-06-2006, 10:05 AM

****ing off still gets you 97%

I do that a lot....

winfred

04-06-2006, 08:55 PM

Woman: Would you get married again if I died?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: ****.

winfred

04-06-2006, 09:02 PM

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor of sexual harassment in the personnel
department and states that she wants to write a grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

angrypancake

04-06-2006, 09:41 PM

I do that a lot....

m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-i-o-n =
13+1+19+20+21+18+2+1+20+9+15+14= 153 :D

632 Regal

04-07-2006, 06:01 AM

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her,

"Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same
room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but
decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said
angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!
And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

dacoyote

04-07-2006, 06:30 AM

m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-i-o-n =
13+1+19+20+21+18+2+1+20+9+15+14= 153 :D

n/c

Zeuk in Oz

04-07-2006, 07:16 PM

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives
the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit
drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the
rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round)
gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the
rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please
barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint
and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them
down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker
but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like
it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer
and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.........NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which
he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent
your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come
in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what
happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixing-me-toasties".

winfred

04-07-2006, 08:46 PM

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.

winfred

04-09-2006, 09:20 PM

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.
The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose," the Canadian replied.
"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"

winfred

04-10-2006, 08:20 PM

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

mikell

04-11-2006, 08:30 AM

As a result of the recent shooting incident in South Texas, when a lawyer was shot by the Vice President, a new set of hunting regulations regarding the Taking and Harvesting of Attorneys will be enforced by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Commission.

Attorney Hunting Regulations. (Regulation 370)

Sec 370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

Sec 370.02 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess same.

Sec 370.03 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

Sec 370.04 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies and vermin.

Sec 370.05 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road side and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

Sec 370.06 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

Sec 370.07 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

Sec 370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoons.

Sec 370.09 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels, except on Saturdays and Sundays.

Sec 370.10 Use of any type killing device is legal including shotguns with the choke removed, high powered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types and kinds of game traps and snares. Poisoning, however, is prohibited because of the danger to rattlesnakes, coyotes and skunks.

Sec 370.11 It is unlawful to wear a disguise such as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

Bag and Possession Limits, per day:

Yellow-bellied sidewinders - 2

Two-faced tortfeasors - 1

Back-stabbing divorce litigators - 3

Horn-rimmed cut-throats - 2

Minutiae-advocating dirtbags - 4

NOTE: Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act. Honest attorneys can be identified by their drab plumage, as they do not wear Rolex watches, drive Porsches, BMWs or other expensive luxury automobiles, or wear $500 shoes or $1500 suits.

mikell

04-11-2006, 08:31 AM

Fair and Balanced.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

People take off their shoes before they jump on the trampoline.

winfred

04-11-2006, 06:35 PM

Beware there is a shopping scam going on! While I was packing the shopping at a local store two beautiful 18 year old girls approached me. They cleaned my windshield with their **** out in returned for me taking them to another store. While in the car they started playing with each other then one climbed in the front and gave me a blow job, while the other stole my wallet.

I had it stolen Wednesday, Thursday twice Friday and again today............

winfred

04-12-2006, 07:26 PM

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning . . . uphill BOTH ways . .
. through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs . . . to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill . . . where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter . . . with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardships? You couldn't just download xxx! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent - you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!!!!!

dacoyote

04-17-2006, 10:50 AM

Subject: GOLF VS SEX

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

trumpetr

04-17-2006, 01:38 PM

A drunk in Glasgow gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the pub. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, " OCH!! What's all the screamin' about in there? You're scaring me customers away!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just setting here on the crrraper, and every time I tries to flush, soomthin' comes up and squeezes the hell out of me ballocks."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

"Ya fookin' eee-jit! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

dacoyote

04-18-2006, 08:55 AM

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's
the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance, is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the waiter tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So, the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" "Timex", the man replies.
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it
takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping
a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man
turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One!" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford,lately?"

Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!"

dacoyote

04-18-2006, 10:53 AM

>>>> What outranks a princess?
>>>>
>>>> A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an
>>>> obviously Gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone
>>>> into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
>>>>
>>>> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
>>>> aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has
>>>> asked me to announce That he'll be landing the big scary
>>>> plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
>>>> your trays, that would be super."
>>>>
>>>> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
>>>> well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a
>>>> muscle.
>>>>
>>>> "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines."
>>>> he said, I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man
>>>> can pitty-pat us on the ground."
>>>>
>>>> She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
>>>> called a Princess.
>>>>
>>>> I take orders from no one."
>>>>
>>>> To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a
>>>> beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen,
>>>> so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

632 Regal

04-18-2006, 10:58 AM

LMAO This was a Good One!!!!

dacoyote

04-18-2006, 11:02 AM

LMAO This was a Good One!!!!

Showing a little more then normal of your female side Jeff????

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... .sorry....

632 Regal

04-18-2006, 11:04 AM

Looks like I gotta teach her how to log out and sign back in huh?
Helps my count anyways...lol

Showing a little more then normal of your female side Jeff????

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... .sorry....

dacoyote

04-18-2006, 11:15 AM

Looks like I gotta teach her how to log out and sign back in huh?
Helps my count anyways...lol

LOL... because you need all the help you can get...

Regals Slut

04-18-2006, 11:16 AM

LMAO I REALLY liked this one and thought it was GREAT!!!

Regals Slut

04-18-2006, 11:19 AM

Good One I am just like Mary I guess dirty minded. COOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!

Regals Slut

04-18-2006, 11:20 AM

Men will be men!!! LOL

Regals Slut

04-18-2006, 11:23 AM

SWEET this was a Good One!!! LOL

Regals Slut

04-18-2006, 11:26 AM

Good One!!!! LOL

calmloki

04-18-2006, 01:20 PM

Zeuk in Oz

04-18-2006, 04:12 PM

Gotta be one of those Aussie vet jokes - but what's the disease? Metritis is the closest I come...
Myxomatosis.

It is a viral disease that kills rabbits and was introduced into Australia in the 50s. Didn't work as well as expected and gives a very long painful death with severe conjunctivitis being one of the most obvious signs. They have introduced Calicivirus since but it hasn't really fixed the problem either.

Myxomatosis was immortalised in Art Garfunkle's song "Bright Eyes" from the movie "Watership Down".

Zeuk in Oz

04-18-2006, 04:19 PM

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir," is the dentist's reply.

"$85! Have ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," says the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still
without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it would be painful.

"But the price could drop to $40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do
the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It would be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll
charge you $5. But it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

calmloki

04-18-2006, 11:02 PM

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.
"$85 for an extraction sir," is the dentist's reply....
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

Now that's funny! The bunny disease joke is a bit on the regional side... We don't have rampant rabbits stealing the forage from our sheep here in Oregon. OTOH, our Spotted Owl jokes probably would fall flat in Perth. Didn't see Watership Down and don't recall the disease name from reading the book maybe 15 years ago. Maybe the cane toads could be tempted to eat the bunny kits? Then bring in the eagles to eat the cane toads, the gorillas to swat the eagles and Mothra to fry the gorillas.
Helpful to a fault, Tom

632 Regal

04-19-2006, 05:00 AM

Texas Air Control Tower Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 --
You
are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land
westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on
infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS
PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell
Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?.

dacoyote

04-19-2006, 09:48 AM

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

dacoyote

04-19-2006, 09:48 AM

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one o f the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree,

"WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction!"

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said,

"You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other,

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So do you think we should ... well ... you know .. screw her?"

trumpetr

04-19-2006, 09:51 AM

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Duluth, ven he accidently cut
off all ten of his fingers.
He vent to da emergency room at da Horsepiddle and ven he got dere, da Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see vat I
can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Yumpin yimminy-it's 2006---
Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da
finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 09:56 AM

LMAO The first one was GREAT the second was pretty bad.

trumpetr

04-19-2006, 10:02 AM

Socrates

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

Three?"

That's right, "Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.

The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about, him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

trumpetr

04-19-2006, 10:05 AM

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message To her
mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any
money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered.

"Well . Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close
to her lips.

Tentatively said.

"Hello?. Mom, can you hear me?"

trumpetr

04-19-2006, 10:10 AM

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, name's Turner Brown."

The little white fellow faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,
"What's wrong with you, you ok"

In a weak voice the little guys says," What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 Feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds,! I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle Weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?.. Jesus, I thought you said, Turn
Around"

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 10:14 AM

LMAO Good one.

trumpetr

04-19-2006, 10:15 AM

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using
the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
the tree-huggers had a "more humane"
solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be
controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and
said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes
ain't ****in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 10:17 AM

LOL this was Good.

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 10:19 AM

Yes I agree 100% with that very last sentence that women are smarter then men. LOL

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 10:36 AM

LOL that's pretty bad.

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 10:40 AM

LMAO This one was GREAT I guess I muct have a dirty mind to. LOL

Regals Slut

04-19-2006, 10:46 AM

LMAO that's pretty bad.:D

trumpetr

04-19-2006, 02:16 PM

Sure am trying to follow 'Regals ride"s responses to wich post she is commenting on. Love the comments,,,,but,,,might include in yer reply something about wich joke you were replying to.
Thanks, luv.

632 Regal

04-21-2006, 05:25 AM

Satan and the Old Man

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't."? said the old gentleman.

"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me"? The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

SharkmanBMW

04-21-2006, 02:09 PM

The Indian, Arab and Cowboy

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger
lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and
the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at
Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The
wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . .

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do
believe it's a-comin'."

winfred

04-21-2006, 07:50 PM

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

winfred

04-22-2006, 06:50 PM

Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife.
Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10K
Man: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?
Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit
Man: That's no ****ing good....I want her dead, not kneecapped

632 Regal

04-23-2006, 01:28 PM

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything,
I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts larger over the years? "

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

632 Regal

04-26-2006, 04:17 AM

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"

632 Regal

04-26-2006, 09:22 AM

ENGINEERS

BubbaRay and CooterBob(Tennessee mechanical enginners) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're suppose to find the height of this flagpole", said BubbaRay. "But we don't have a ladder."

The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure out of her pocket, measured the pole and told them it was "Eighteen feet, six inches", and walked away.

CooterBob shook his head and laughed," Ain't that just like a blonde!" "We asked for the height and she gives us the length."

SharkmanBMW

04-26-2006, 06:43 PM

funny vids... just wait through annoying ad...

cat massaging dog!
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=648f520b-f670-4518-9a48-aff913648e9a&f=01/64&fg=copy

Deer = 1, Hunter = 0
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=5999598f-1853-438a-8a7b-5397aae5be53&f=01/64&fg=copy

monkey with a pet!
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=9adb9548-86c2-46ab-85e2-b21826d71b5a&f=01/64&fg=copy

632 Regal

04-27-2006, 05:15 AM

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely
has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical
students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us
what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what
you think it is."

One of the students said: "I think
it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong
too!"

winfred

04-27-2006, 06:46 PM

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

pundit

04-27-2006, 11:12 PM

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, (which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6.50/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation,

John Cleese.