**********june joke thread***********

[winfred]

Think About It!

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

[winfred]

Beer Study
Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female Hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

> 1) Argued over nothing.
> 2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
> 3) Gained weight.
> 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
> 5) became overly emotional.
> 6) Couldn't drive.
> 7) Failed to think rationally
> 8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[joshua43214]

His And Hers ATMs


HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

[califblue]

Teenage Pregnancy
A 17 year-old girl tells her M0m that she has missed her period for
two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test.

The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the Mother says,

"Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You **** her again..."

[califblue]

The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will email your partner that paragraph and send a copy to me."

"The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent."

"There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the emails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.


THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)


At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt that she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.


(second paragraph by Gary)


Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to Geostation 17." he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. So afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(gary)


Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor of the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.


(Rebecca)


This is absurb. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


(Gary)


Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm just an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"


(Rebecca)

A$$Hole !

(Gary)

B!tch !!

(Rebecca)

F--K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL !!!

(Gary)

Go have a cup of tea - wh0re.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[califblue]

CAUTION Wallet SCAM

I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking young girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

[632 Regal]

this is real good LOL
The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will email your partner that paragraph and send a copy to me."

"The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent."

"There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the emails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.


THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)


At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt that she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.


(second paragraph by Gary)


Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to Geostation 17." he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. So afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(gary)


Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor of the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.


(Rebecca)


This is absurb. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


(Gary)


Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm just an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"


(Rebecca)

A$$Hole !

(Gary)

B!tch !!

(Rebecca)

F--K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL !!!

(Gary)

Go have a cup of tea - wh0re.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[winfred]

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say '****!', the dog ate him!"

[winfred]

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his ass."

[trumpetr]

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say '****!', the dog ate him!"

S Sss, So,,sssson of a b b bi bit,,,aw hell, that was funny.

[Morgenster]

Being a newbie, don't shoot me if this is a repost:

Little Johnny came back from his first day in highschool and was looking real excited when he got home.
Then his mom asks him: "So Johnny, how was your first day at highschool?"
Johnny's all giddy and happy and replies: "Oh, it was great mom! It's a pretty cool place and I had sex for the first time!"
His mom suddenly gets real upset and starts yelling for him to go upstairs to his bedroom and stay there until his dad gets home and he's in it real deep.
When dad gets home, his mom explains to him what Johnny had just told her and he goes up to Johnny's room.
Johnny doesn't quite understand what he did wrong when dad walks in.
Then dad says: "Well Johnny, you really upset your mother by saying that. I mean you're at pretty early age to be having sex. But you know, just between the two of us, that's not so bad. I mean, secretly I'm a little proud that my little boy is already gettin it on, just don't tell mom."
So Johnny's already a little relieved.
Then dad says: "Well you're still going to get grounded and you'll probably have to stay here without supper, but tell you what: Tomorrow I'll go and buy you a brand new bicycle to make up for that. How about it?"
To which Johnny replies:
"Wow, that's great dad, but I'm not gonna ride it for the next week or so, cause my ass really hurts."

[winfred]

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow."

[Regals Slut]

The Boss was in quandry. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down
to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision,
they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

[Zeuk in Oz]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[winfred]

if jack helps you off your horse, should you help jack off his horse


" Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

[SharkmanBMW]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree


smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says ................


"Faaaaarrrrking hell dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[SharkmanBMW]

http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/loobia.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/amazingracist-kkk.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/amazingracist-mosque.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/dancing_roommate.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/msnchatowned.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/MrTMothersDay.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/erection_in_the_park.shtml



http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/smokekills.shtml

[angrypancake]

what an ******* i hope someone burns his house down.

[SharkmanBMW]

his camera man must be a huge bodyguard type, because I was shocked the dry cleaner didn't kill him for asking to have his KKK suit cleaned.
I was sure that was the end.

[GJPinAU]

Two Aboriginals are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. They break
down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask
him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting
on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginal he has to
leave.
"Rey mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls. The Aboriginal put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of
the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks
the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs.
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his
radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many
officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and
the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

[632 Regal]

LMAO, its not funney but it is in its own way
http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/loobia.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/amazingracist-kkk.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/amazingracist-mosque.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/dancing_roommate.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/msnchatowned.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/MrTMothersDay.html



http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/erection_in_the_park.shtml



http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/smokekills.shtml

[dacoyote]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
>>He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
>>Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to
>>earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
>>
>>All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering
>>to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
>>
>>She opens the window and yells to her husband,
>>"You need a piece of tail."
>>
>>The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your
>>mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
>>

[winfred]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."

[fukem5]

mate, lishten mate wats tha differance between mcdonalds and u guys?

There is only one clown at Mcdonalds mate!

[632 Regal]

My car is gone......


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy **** ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[winfred]

Understanding Engineers- Take One

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."



Understanding Engineers-Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers- Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers- Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers- Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers- Take Six

Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The third said, "It was obviously y a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body."
The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers- Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers- Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's different."

[632 Regal]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the
husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits
alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right
after we divorced seven years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

[winfred]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

[angrypancake]

this is how i drive (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/13929996-204E-47EE-B99C-625C278AF570.htm)

[632 Regal]

dudes dads gonna be pissed when the trans dont shift anymore.
this is how i drive (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/13929996-204E-47EE-B99C-625C278AF570.htm)

[winfred]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.

I'm not a morning person.

[632 Regal]

A man married 25 years, took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,
a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make
sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed....

[winfred]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

[winfred]

Two cows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says " Moo "
The other one says "Damn, I was just about to say that !"

[mikell]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..

The girl said, " NO."

Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

[632 Regal]

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers," pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room
again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[winfred]

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc.''

[winfred]

A husband comes home and says to his wife" we've tried 69 lets try 68" She says, "What's that?"
He says, " you blow me and I'll owe you one."

[winfred]

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head-first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off
I work in a damp environment
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not take initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You are unable to work double shifts
You've been seen entering and leaving the workplace with two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management

[trumpetr]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.? They mix their sperms together and
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.? When the baby is
born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and
screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the
happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other,
"All these unhappy babies.... and yet ours is so happy.? This just proves
our love for one another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when
we pull the THERMOMETER out of his Ass."

[GoldenOne]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.? They mix their sperms together and
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.? When the baby is
born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and
screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the
happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other,
"All these unhappy babies.... and yet ours is so happy.? This just proves
our love for one another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when
we pull the THERMOMETER out of his Ass."

hahahaha, thats a good one...

[632 Regal]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again. The local paper read: .....



PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local
paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:



NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey,so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines read:



NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.


MORAL OF THE STORY?

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and
even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life . stop worrying
about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

[winfred]

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

[winfred]

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like that happening?"
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hunderd, and eighty-seven billion to one."

[Wes F]

Please excuse the vulgarness that follows:


What did one tampon say to the other?

















Nothing! They're both stuck up c*nts :D

[BillionPa]

oh snap!

[winfred]

According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there.
"Please disrobe," he told her.
"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.
Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem."

[Airborne001]

OK, don't ask me how I found this stuff. I'm not sure who should be more embarrased, me or the guys singing.

http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Shatner/Ballad%20of%20Bilbo%20Baggins.mpga

http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Shatner/Star%20Trekkin.mpga

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/Homosexuality.mp3

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/Spongebob_Schwammkopf.mp3

This one just hurts

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/lsd.mp3

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/DrunkJobInterview.mp3

...and last but not least the funniest damn thing I have ever heard anywhere in my whole 40 years

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/download.cfm?id=2062

[Airborne001]

Sorry, just one or two more

Barbershop VD

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/hervagina.mp3

This one would have Ed Sulivan ripping out his spleen today. If we only knew then what we know now....

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/liberace_flowers.mp3