lucky youz

[fukem5]

I am back to help youz as I know all about e34z. My cuzin Helmet has asked me to visit the BMW factory because I am held in high esteem at BMW. If youz have any questionz I can ask the engineerz at the factory. Pleez make your questions for real as I will not answer dickheadz.
http://members.optushome.com.au/k.allan/ukm5.jpg

[Bimmerman]

WTF??? Thanks man, i dunno how we ever got by in the past...

[pundit]

I am back to help youz as I know all about e34z. My cuzin Helmet has asked me to visit the BMW factory because I am held in high esteem at BMW. If youz have any questionz I can ask the engineerz at the factory. Pleez make your questions for real as I will not answer dickheadz.
Well Hi there Fuku2. We are truly humbled and in total awe that your highly esteemed self has chosen to honour us mere mortals with your presence.
We all prostrate ourselves before you and beat our heads with flaccid celery sticks until the blood flows from open wounds.

So tell me, do you stroke helmet with your right or left hand? Have you tried using Mobil 1? I hear it's better than Castrol for helmet stroking!

BTW - How's the weather in Siberia?

[Morgenster]

Lmao

[Rob]

Ha ha ha, oh ****..!

I can't believe some of you guys on here. Give the guy a chance!

[fukem5]

Well Hi there Fuku2. We are truly humbled and in total awe that your highly esteemed self have chosen to honour us mere mortals with your presence.
We all prostrate ourselves before you and beat our heads with flaccid celery sticks until the blood flows from open wounds.

So tell me, do you stroke helmet with your right or left hand? Have you tried using Mobil 1? I hear it's better than Castrol for helmet stroking!

BTW - How's the weather in Siberia?

I fully underschtand my brudda, there are peepulz like you around me laying out red carpet as their anscestors did for my fathers before me. dont worrie about plezantriez cuz, just come up with some good questions for me to ask for the board.
Kos i already know other members have limited exchperience with these cars as i am sure you are aware bro. i will bring my car to show our eschteemed brothers how the new M5 should be improved mate!

[wingman]

I am back to help youz as I know all about e34z. My cuzin Helmet has asked me to visit the BMW factory because I am held in high esteem at BMW. If youz have any questionz I can ask the engineerz at the factory. Pleez make your questions for real as I will not answer dickheadz.
http://members.optushome.com.au/k.allan/ukm5.jpg

This is not 'for real' is it? I mean you you can't be the reincarnated previously hated and disowned UKM5? Please (or is it Pleaz) tell me that you are not wasting valuable board space with this crap.

[Rob]

Why was UKm5 such a hated figure?

[Bimmerman]

Why was UKm5 such a hated figure?
Oh man, talk about opening ther floodgates, do a search for UKM5 and c scrotum or whoever he is, have a read then sit back and wait for the fireworks...

[fukem5]

you lot are a pack of dickheadz, dont ask me for help, koz you aint gonna get it, i only talk to them who know how to keep it for real.

Who has a real qwestion? form a line as I'm only gonna answer one at a time.

[rob101]

I fully underschtand my brudda, there are peepulz like you around me laying out red carpet as their anscestors did for my fathers before me. dont worrie about plezantriez cuz, just come up with some good questions for me to ask for the board.
Kos i already know other members have limited exchperience with these cars as i am sure you are aware bro. i will bring my car to show our eschteemed brothers how the new M5 should be improved mate!Bruda, I think I get du approach. It would be very cool if you can make it to BMW and talk to the gerat ing's that makde our autos... Red carpet unt much reschpekt ja to you my friend... By the way this is the best way to warm up ya claybar, I get it real hot like this and would like to know what you think about the technical benefit of this method or perhapz u would like to know the paint specialists in Bavaria....
Mate, we've all been discussing the more technical issues of these cars over here at Terrigal and are trying to cum up w some ideas ja for you. I am working espechially hard u know, but 4 some reason I can't make it happen quite yet. Will talk to someof da other guys but there are so many things beyond all the people I know on this forum that I am sure others will suggest many things for you to take to our Gods in Germany...



under dugresss (they have extortion of imagine with claybar with moistururious)

[Rob]

Here's a question for you FUKEM5

My car has cold start issues and a very rough idle once it's started. After some driving it idles fine. However I get a lot of hesitation on acceleration. And she will sometimes stall if i try to pull off too fast. Any ideas on this please?

Thanks.

[Nick.Hay]

Good... Well go away then.

[genphreak]

Bruda, by the way this is the best way to warm up ya claybar, I get it real hot like this and would like to know what you think about the technical benefit of this method or perhapz u would like to know the paint specialists in Bavaria...Mate, we caught you working the claybar but u know fukem5 won't be able to explain the technical aspects of what you mean less he can know the context u r talking about... so here is the picture for him to analyze in his lab before his great visit to Bavaria. Perhaps the BMW engineers will be able to suggest how you can enhance your action or take some kind of performance-enhancing additive...

[pundit]

you lot are a pack of dickheadz, dont ask me for help, koz you aint gonna get it, i only talk to them who know how to keep it for real.

Who has a real qwestion? form a line as I'm only gonna answer one at a time.
Oh goody! Qwestions you wascally wabbit!
Okay question number one...

Q. Have you stopped abusing yourself?
A. ????

[fukem5]

Here's a question for you FUKEM5

My car has cold start issues and a very rough idle once it's started. After some driving it idles fine. However I get a lot of hesitation on acceleration. And she will sometimes stall if i try to pull off too fast. Any ideas on this please?

Thanks.
Nikasil you idiot!
Try pressing the accelerator to fix the hesitation, or getcha husband to drive ya woman

[joshua43214]

yo da man fukem5. i need the 411 on my 911 and i nowz you can fix me up since i heard about yor bein in high esteem.

my tire is bulgin on the bottom, like J Lo. now i don mind j lo, buts this is a bimer and it should have more class dan that. when i roll da car forward, it bulges on the new bottom, ad da part dat was bulgin befo is now round.

can ya fix me up dude?? i rely ned hep here since i am embarrased to go crusin on campus wit all da yung babes and dey keep lafin at me.

[Rob]

Nikasil you idiot!
Try pressing the accelerator to fix the hesitation, or getcha husband to drive ya woman

Which proves my point exacly. And everyone else's. You don't know these cars, so don't pretend to. If you knew them, you would've told me that I actually have a vacume (air) leak somewhere and thus is the cause of the problem.

[pundit]

This is not 'for real' is it? I mean you you can't be the reincarnated previously hated and disowned UKM5? ...
Oh yes he is!!

[GJPinAU]

I am back to help youz as I know all about e34z. My cuzin Helmet has asked me to visit the BMW factory because I am held in high esteem at BMW. If youz have any questionz I can ask the engineerz at the factory. Pleez make your questions for real as I will not answer dickheadz.
http://members.optushome.com.au/k.allan/ukm5.jpg
Oh great knowledgeable one, please help with my problem.
Every time I stop my car the spinners on my wheels only turn for 5 minutes. Do you think this is retarding my ability to haul ass from the start line?
Yours in great anticipation.

[fukem5]

Oh great knowledgeable one, please help with my problem.
Every time I stop my car the spinners on my wheels only turn for 5 minutes. Do you think this is retarding my ability to haul ass from the start line?
Yours in great anticipation.

Although I doubt the sincerity of your post, i will give you the INVALUABLE knowledge of my experience.
I had the same kind of issues with my car but wit da neons. i got da beeyatch to climb under and spray it all with electrical spray. got it workin good. Get your beeyatch to spray your spinner bearings up, or let her thumb her ride.
Beeyatch gotta pay her way.

Lets take this sheeyat serious you fools.

[angrypancake]

you gotta be kidding me. obviously this is a joke, but come on. at least be original and not a total douchebag. fyl. ban this fool. /thread

[E34 530]

hizzle ferzzile midizzle tizzle. fo serios do, I's be tryin to installzzz dis on mys whip, but iz not goin inz rights way. what ares me doin wrongs yoooo???

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/JDM-ALUMINUM-FLIP-TRUNK-KIT-BMW-E34-E46-E30-E90-82-04_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQcategoryZ42611QQitemZ46433241 63QQrdZ1

[fukem5]

Oh great knowledgeable one, please help with my problem.
Every time I stop my car the spinners on my wheels only turn for 5 minutes. Do you think this is retarding my ability to haul ass from the start line?
Yours in great anticipation.Man but seriouzly u really shouldn't buy that OE ****, you know my Uncle has the best stuff in Angola, all we have to do is help him ship it out. His spinners help you off the line, but can assist u to stop as well, cos BMWs are not as good as they could be (like their rotors that are not even slotted let alone drilled like my Brembos so cannot apply as much braking force under high tempoerature conditions).

I'll talk to the guys at BMW when I get there... but they are thinking about using his so maybe you should cut your losses and buy a set from him and be done with it... I gott agoto bed now, so work out what you really wanna do with your spinners okay cos they can introduce shimmy and all kinds a **** liek Regal has to put up with with his Wal-mart ones...

[Bleeding_Knuckles]

these are really nice, FUKm5 already has these as I watched his Beech get sand all over them.

hizzle ferzzile midizzle tizzle. fo serios do, I's be tryin to installzzz dis on mys whip, but iz not goin inz rights way. what ares me doin wrongs yoooo???

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/JDM-ALUMINUM-FLIP-TRUNK-KIT-BMW-E34-E46-E30-E90-82-04_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQcategoryZ42611QQitemZ46433241 63QQrdZ1

[Macv]

fukem5 ... could you possibly tell me how to start my car? I waz like, tryin like 2 get da car rollin ta get ta werk and thurr aint no wayz to get dat bitch on.

..Is this guy serious? Get a life bro-ham.

[632 Regal]

FUKm5 is a funny guy at times...
fukem5 ... could you possibly tell me how to start my car? I waz like, tryin like 2 get da car rollin ta get ta werk and thurr aint no wayz to get dat bitch on.

..Is this guy serious? Get a life bro-ham.

[angrypancake]

Man but seriouzly u really shouldn't buy that OE ****


OE **** is the ****. $1.49 for a 40oz? Way better than the Colt. Cmon now.

[fukem5]

OE **** is the ****. $1.49 for a 40oz? Way better than the Colt. Cmon now.
What are you talking about, My Cousin in Angola can get me that stuff for 10 cents. You don't know what you're talking about!

[angrypancake]

and my cousin in Harlem is cooler than your cousin in Angola. I wonder how long this charade will continue

[fukem5]

and my cousin in Harlem is cooler than your cousin in Angola. I wonder how long this charade will continueListen u mofo mother****in gangbanger ass wiper you think ur funyy man I'll kick ur asss to Siberia man u have NFI, why anyone around here has put up w u 4 so long, man juz cos u have a fairly cool ride peeps let u off for ur stuntz, man ur lucky I'm too busy in ma shop doing all the new factory-approved conversions on de last of the V10 M5s; u ****hed I'd be happy normally to fix u up; I almost feel like telling BMW to jam their fuken contract juz so I could come over there and cut ur throat w a rusty knife, man if were lucky I'd jam it up ya mothas ass first to at least remove the rust, but no man yo ass would do- fuk man juz ur so lucky ur not worth it.... I might juz call ma cousins to do it instead.

[ProZak]

lmao

[angrypancake]

Listen u mofo mother****in gangbanger ass wiper you think ur funyy man I'll kick ur asss to Siberia man u have NFI, why anyone around here has put up w u 4 so long, man juz cos u have a fairly cool ride peeps let u off for ur stuntz, man ur lucky I'm too busy in ma shop doing all the new factory-approved conversions on de last of the V10 M5s; u ****hed I'd be happy normally to fix u up; I almost feel like telling BMW to jam their fuken contract juz so I could come over there and cut ur throat w a rusty knife, man if were lucky I'd jam it up ya mothas ass first to at least remove the rust, but no man yo ass would do- fuk man juz ur so lucky ur not worth it.... I might juz call ma cousins to do it instead.

bitch please. you're just an alias and nothing more, and you're being a piece of **** on purpose. so, **** you and your rusty knife. you can go get a rusty trombone from your cousin in bumble****. i'd like to see you come out from behind your monitor you sloppy cunt. you wouldn't last more than 5 seconds. get ****ed.

[SharkmanBMW]

you guys are making me laugh my ass off!
I just got home and found Gayle's post about this one... so I found all this pretty funny, I'm with Jeff, fUKeM5 is good for a laugh!

But let's be realistic... whether or not this is the real ukm5, or cschrotum, he is obviously showing he's a level 7.5 on the inbred scale!

[rph]

I agree. Some of the funniest stuff I've read for a while. I am cacking myself watching this dude stir the possum.


you guys are making me laugh my ass off!
I just got home and found Gayle's post about this one... so I found all this pretty funny, I'm with Jeff, fUKeM5 is good for a laugh!

But let's be realistic... whether or not this is the real ukm5, or cschrotum, he is obviously showing he's a level 7.5 on the inbred scale!

[Macv]

Listen u mofo mother****in gangbanger ass wiper you think ur funyy man I'll kick ur asss to Siberia man u have NFI, why anyone around here has put up w u 4 so long, man juz cos u have a fairly cool ride peeps let u off for ur stuntz, man ur lucky I'm too busy in ma shop doing all the new factory-approved conversions on de last of the V10 M5s; u ****hed I'd be happy normally to fix u up; I almost feel like telling BMW to jam their fuken contract juz so I could come over there and cut ur throat w a rusty knife, man if were lucky I'd jam it up ya mothas ass first to at least remove the rust, but no man yo ass would do- fuk man juz ur so lucky ur not worth it.... I might juz call ma cousins to do it instead.

haha halarious

[e39dream]

dear fukem5- I would like schematics for an e60 m5 so I may construct my own in my work shed. If schematics are not readily available to you a hand drawn sketch is fine, as long as there are approximate measurements. I would also like some pics of your work. I imagine a days work is quite fun for you- I picture you working closely with german designers who hang on your every thought, while also overseeing quality control for the whole operation. For "rilla"- you should be bangles ****ing gopher.

[e39dream]

also-this thread has made my brain hurt. any suggestions?

[Gayle]

also-this thread has made my brain hurt. any suggestions?


Alcohol usually fixes that.

[mattyb]

Alcohol usually fixes that.


yep! i think fukem5 was hurting all of our heads. where did that masked man go!

[rob101]

yep! i think fukem5 was hurting all of our heads. where did that masked man go!
I'll go check on him he's trapped inside my basement.
OMG he has escaped :p

[genphreak]

I'll go check on him he's trapped inside my basement.
OMG he has escaped :pFuk me, who's idea was it to invite cschrotum to the party anyway? We should have known he had an alterior motive for bringing sooo much beer with him, how we fell for it I don't know...
(we juz thought he was trying to make amens...).

[Nick.Hay]

Oh, an herz a bouk 4 yoh, brudah...

http://www.geocities.com/creativesound2/for_dummies_engrish.gif

[RockJock]

bumpage....lol

classic! :D

http://members.optushome.com.au/k.allan/ukm5.jpg

[GJPinAU]

How good was this!

A bunch of pissed Aussies at MattyB's

Threw the line and caught many!

[BennyM]

I wasn't on this board much back in 06, so I'm glad this resurfaced allowing me to enjoy the whole exchange. Going back even further to the early days of the forum, does anyone remember TriTran? Now there was a guy with some serious language skills. I'm not sure his posts made it to the archives unfortunately.

[BigKriss]

yo I'm still here!!!

[GJPinAU]

I looked for UKM5 threads. Only one I could find was the one I started which created the legend!

All the others seem to have been moved or deleted.

[632 Regal]

If he was banned which he probably was, his threads would also go away.

[Dave M]

If he was banned which he probably was, his threads would also go away.

16 threads started by ukm5 (http://www.bimmernut.com/forum/search.php?searchid=16471)

lets keep his spirit alive.

Dave

[SharkmanBMW]

Ahhh, the good old days!

UKM5 sure was memorable lol

When I got the email notifiction last week of the thread revival I was pretty surprised - but had a good laugh reading up!

Hope youz are all doing great :)

[95Five25I]

That was the funniest **** I have read ina long time. Wish he would post again.

[leicesterboy15]

This is brilliant - laugh? I nearly shat myself :)

And I was doing an innocent search as well !

[genphreak]

Heh, they really were serious fun. Jeff, can you un-ban ukm5 so we can re-read some?

[RockJock]

Is this fukem5?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qm61svN4U5g

[Bimmerman]

Aah good times. Does anyone remember the name of the young guy who pulled the motor from his dads 540 when dad was out of town to see if it would fit in his shitbox utility? painted the motor purple if I remember correctly. Pic of ute attached.
7520

[genphreak]

Hahahhahaa!!! If only we'd caught sight of fukem5 before he got that one back to the testing facility. What was he thinking- had someone in BMW told him GM were going to do a hostile takeover in order to bring on the engineering fixes for the famously loose-tailed Commodore Ute? I can't imagine where he got budget from to do that before any such merger was announced!

Sadly, that was in the days when those things were so rare that the gaudiness was god-awful. Now the fully-sick-modding-genre is so common we just look past and ignore each example, like too many ugly signs on the side of the road! Perhaps fukem will pass by again one day and post what he was up to at the time.

[genphreak]

LOL. That guy was on drugs and doing a media scam! Definitely could be one of his engineering school buddies though...