**********July Joke Thread*********** [Archive]

trumpetr

07-01-2006, 04:01 PM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did the whole job through the muffler."

Regals Slut

07-01-2006, 10:06 PM

LMAO These were GREAT dude!!!!!!!!

BillionPa

07-02-2006, 01:30 AM

O_o

trumpetr

07-03-2006, 01:07 PM

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said,"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. .... There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?

Little Patrick told him,"I was walking past your room last night , and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too.

And I'll be God damned if I'm staying here alone, with a $180.000
mortgage and no ****ing bike!"

trumpetr

07-03-2006, 01:10 PM

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive
flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring
flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company
composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement,
the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all
the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into
the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve gonna do
is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

Mitch90535im

07-03-2006, 04:28 PM

I saw this on another board it's pretty funny.

Sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South?
Let's challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are
required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The
plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many Budweisers will be consumed before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the mans land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that
it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will
it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't
cha? It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya!
There’s a whole heap of things that big city book learning don't
prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE", here's some southern advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop
and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride
home with them.

Mitch90535im

07-03-2006, 08:23 PM

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Mitch90535im

07-03-2006, 08:24 PM

A young Jewish football player entered Notre Dame to play football..at the end of the season he returned home,as luck would have it he runs into his Rabbi at the airport..The Rabbi asked "are they trying to convert you at South Bend"?...The young man responds.."Of course not father"...........

winfred

07-04-2006, 09:50 AM

How many forum posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

632 Regal

07-04-2006, 11:53 AM

A woman visited a psychic of her town.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her,
the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There's no easy way to say this
so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent & horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, & asked,...

"Will I get away with it?"

632 Regal

07-04-2006, 11:56 AM

Sooo baaad..........

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean
when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our
engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to
make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It
will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you
can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We
just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will
now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and
will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be
fair, we will do this in alphabetical order.

'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise
your hands."

Well, hearing! this, the little black boy started to raise his
hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine,
let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."

Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll
move on to C. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."

The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father
pushes it down and tells him no.

"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we
are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"

His father says, "No son, today, we're ******s. Those Mexicans are
going before us!"

kev535i

07-04-2006, 06:45 PM

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk

califblue

07-04-2006, 07:27 PM

At a press conference in London yesterday, Paul McCartney was asked if, in the light of his recent separation, he thought he would ever go down on one knee again.

He said he wasn't sure, but that he would prefer that the media refer to her as Heather.

winfred

07-04-2006, 11:57 PM

the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

trumpetr

07-07-2006, 03:23 PM

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a ****ing Chihuahua???!!!"

632 Regal

07-07-2006, 08:43 PM

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

joshua43214

07-08-2006, 11:31 AM

A man wakes late, and rush's off to work. As he enter's the office he is called into his boss's office and fired on the spot.

He sadly leaves the office and as he is walking to his car, he is just in time to see a dump truck have and accident and drop 20 tons of rock ontop of his brand new BMW. The police arrive and after looking the seen over, hand him a ticket for parking in a construction zone, so he knows the insurance company will attempt to deny any claim.

Taking a deep breath he heads to his favorite coffee shop to clear his head, only to have the waitress trip and dump a full cup of steaming coffee and a rasberry pie on his new suit.

Realizing the day was just going to be the worst day of his life, he heads home before something fatal occurs only to find his wife in bed with his best friend.

He just stares for a moment, then simly tells his wife to pack her things and never come back and that she would be hearing from his lawyer.

He turns to his best friend and shakes his finger and says in a firm voice, "BAD dog!"

winfred

07-10-2006, 12:37 AM

Rules To Consider I

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

BillionPa

07-10-2006, 01:37 AM

Sooo baaad..........

wouldnt the mexicans counter with "Today son, we are wetbacks!"

Airborne001

07-11-2006, 05:13 AM

I am an Onwer/Operator, so don't flame me. I still think this is funny as hell.

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On a porcupine the prick is on the outside.

winfred

07-11-2006, 11:06 PM

Rules To Consider II

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

winfred

07-11-2006, 11:07 PM

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

trumpetr

07-12-2006, 02:40 PM

Amy, a blond Texas girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one . . . right here."

Terribly impressed by what he assumed was just another ditzy blond, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple -- by the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

As she walks away, she turns her head back over her shoulder & says to the man ...

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

DaCan23

07-12-2006, 03:13 PM

LOLOLOLOL..... Sounds like some place I know

How many forum posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

632 Regal

07-14-2006, 08:21 AM

A man had just settled into his window seat on the Plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and Put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat Next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and Asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second Man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog Is a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the Best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the Agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to search. Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally Sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several Seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts One paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good Boy," and he turns to the first man and says: "That Woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a Note of her seat number and the authorities will Apprehend her when we land." "Say...that's pretty neat," Replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the Aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man For a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this Time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The Agent says, "Wow. That man is carrying cocaine, so, Again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police."

"I like it!" says the first man. The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down The aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, And then came racing back to the agent, jumped into The middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the Place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior And can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going On????"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

632 Regal

07-14-2006, 08:24 AM

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!"

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

632 Regal

07-14-2006, 08:36 AM

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

joshua43214

07-15-2006, 07:43 AM

A man is lying on his death bed, he says in a pain filled raspy voice to his wife

"MY love, I must get this off my chest before I go. Do you remember or baysitter? I had an affair with her"

The wife gently pats his hand and says " I know honey, its ok"

The man says " and that weeklong sales trip I went on 5 years ago? I had a torrid affair with a woman I met on the trip"

The wife says "There, there, honey, I know its ok."

The man says, "and I had a on going affair with my secretary for 8 years"

The with says "Its ok, honey I know, just be calm"

The man says, "and your sister, I have been having an affair with herr since the morning of our wedding"

The wife gently rubs his hand and says "its ok honey, I know, just lay quiet and let the poison work"

632 Regal

07-15-2006, 07:46 AM

Growing Old!!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!"

She retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
and older

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"
and older

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
and older
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
and older

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful'"
and older

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

632 Regal

07-15-2006, 07:51 AM

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at
first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am
getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs
to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham,
steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's
no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches,"
which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he
thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but
awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill
Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I
don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and
don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Carol

pundit

07-15-2006, 06:19 PM

http://clients.net2000.com.au/~rowmat/1.jpg

http://clients.net2000.com.au/~rowmat/2.jpg

http://clients.net2000.com.au/~rowmat/3.jpg

winfred

07-16-2006, 10:13 PM

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

632 Regal

07-18-2006, 07:48 AM

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable
movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him; "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick andbring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

Gayle

07-18-2006, 08:36 PM

Zeuk in Oz

07-18-2006, 09:52 PM

I was even thinking about sending it to a few selfish men I know.

Que ? :D

Gayle

07-18-2006, 10:26 PM

Que ? :D

I need to do a disclaimer. My husband is not on the list of people I would send that to.

And Bo--I am sure your wife would not send you that joke either.

califblue

07-19-2006, 08:23 AM

"BEST DAMN DIVORCE LETTER EVER WRITTEN"

Dear Connie:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. " I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at 'Hooters' and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes:D , but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.

And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing tequila Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath:p and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out your little sister Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you:p ?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is.

Your Loving Ex-husband,
Dan

632 Regal

07-20-2006, 09:41 AM

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

She replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

The wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

trumpetr

07-20-2006, 01:53 PM

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to
his first-year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly

He pointed to a woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your
******* is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied,

"More than likely deer hunting, golfing, or fishing with his buddies."

Zeuk in Oz

07-20-2006, 04:32 PM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends ..you know you want to!