**********August Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied).

The Professor's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[632 Regal]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. . .He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[632 Regal]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my dick, pissed all over me, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

[632 Regal]

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."

[632 Regal]

This guy is sitting at home one afternoon watching TV when his wife walks in and starts beating the crap out of him with a frying pan.
"What the hell are you doing woman?" shouts the guy.
His wife tells him that she was just washing his pants and found a piece of paper with the name 'Marilyn' written on it.
"No honey, you don't understand" says the man "Marilyn is the name of a horse I bet on yesterday at the races"
The wife apologizes profusely and goes back to doing her own thing.
Ten minutes later she comes back into the room and again begins beating the daylights out of her husband.
"What the hell are you doing now?" he asks
"Your horse just called!" answers the wife.

[632 Regal]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[632 Regal]

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

[GoldenOne]

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

i thought that was the better one lol all funny though!

[GJPinAU]

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

Byte - What mosquitoes do

Bit - What mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.

[GJPinAU]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

[HDhandyman]

joke!

[632 Regal]

I like it!

[califblue]

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome and strong
A man who will listen carefully and long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who will call and won't wait for weeks.
I want a man who is gainfully employed
And when I spend his money, won't be annoyed.
A man who holds my arm as he opens the door
And massages my neck as he asks to do more.
I guess what I want is a man who loves to the end
A man who will always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store, a Shooting Range, a Fast Ski boat, and a golf course.
I know that doesn't rhyme, but I don't give a ****.

[califblue]

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.
There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face,
stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of
nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teen-aged
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull
elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground,

then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring
at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.


After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[winfred]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....

[ILoveMPower]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut
before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways,
put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started
buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen
seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

[winfred]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

[winfred]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able
to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and
said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[winfred]

"Canoe racing", American style...

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[ILoveMPower]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[winfred]

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[VentoGT]

www.shaveeverywhere.com

[winfred]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

[califblue]

Little Johnny went up to his father and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an

assignment to determine the difference between potentially and

realistically. Can you help me?"



The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she

would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if

she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your

brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and

tell me what you learn from that."



So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We

could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great

University!"



Little Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?"



The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a

heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"



Little Johnny then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?"



"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks

would buy?"



Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his

dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

potentially and realistically?"



Little Johnny replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three

million dollars......... but Realistically,......... we're living with two

sluts and a queer."

[winfred]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

[F4Phantom]

Bentley Forums
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw,
I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums
-Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.
-"Got my first ticket going 90 in a 25 zone, how can I get out of it?"

Monte Carlo forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
-Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
-Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm
from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in
and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce
court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical
board?

Mini forum
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie
company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget
where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the
black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35
in gas.

Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
-Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
-Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
-Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
-Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start

Jetta 1.8T forums
- Some punk kid in *insert any non-German car here* tried to race me on that curvey country road!]

Mitsubishi 3000GT forums
"What upgrades do I need to beat my friends Supra?"

And the Supra forums:
"Another kill video: Supra vs Viper"
(links to crappy nightime freeway on-ramp video)

Viper forums:
"Crazy Supra nearly kills us both on the freeway on-ramp and video recorded it."

240sx forums:
"Hi, I'm new 2 drifting. Is it really worth it to install a roll cage?"

vw gti forums:
Just got coilovers, its dragging on the ground (almost did a frontflip pics)

MG forums:
"I store my oil underneath the engine"
"Lucas rules"

Datsun forums:
"Im at 700000 miles when do I need to rebuild the engine?"

Turbododge forums: 50$ minivan with 500$ in mods beats Viper!

Viper forums: Beware, some punk stuck a Ferarri motor in his Caravan

[H] possibilities:
- so i'm looking for a car...
- how do i adjust my ecu's fuel map

altimas.net
- how do i turbo my 2nd gen?
- need altezzas for my 3rd gen...

club4ag:
- i want my car to be like takumi's panda trureneno! (this gets posted 5 times a week, i'm serious )
- where do i get a 2jz for my hatchi rocko?

hondatech:
- lambo doors gave me 17hp at the rear wheels PICKS OF DYNO INSIDE!!!1

vw vortex:
- just painted my brakes and they look hot

corral:
- my 500hp 302's block cracked in half! pics!

h]ard forums
-"I have $300, help me decide which car to buy!"
-"Yeah, so I gots a new job and will have around $56,483 to spend for a new car. Which BMW should I get?"

Reply: "dude, save your dough. Get aand put in a (Northstar or SBC)."
Reply: "insurance will rape you on that thing."
Reply: "Get a turbo brick!"
Reply: "turbo dodge!"
Reply: "no, really - I want a BMW"
Reply: "M3"
Reply: "M3"
Reply: "M3"
Reply: "M3"
Reply: "M3"
Reply: "M3"
Reply: "I'm thinking about getting an automatic. Whatcha think?"

Triumph Forums:
What's the best way to weld rust?

Lotus Super 7 Replica Forums:
Are brakes necessary or do they just add weight?

Classic Mini Forums:
I think if I take my rear seats out I can get the drivers seat back enough!

Ford Fiesta Forum:
Jay's SHO Fiesta Pics (Are these a repost?) Repost #3,272,518

[H] Car forum:
"I'm 16, drive a Vette and have three tickets, looking for cheap insurance"

Escalade forum:
"Where's the best place to get my spinnaz diamond encrusted?"

Subaru forum:
"My interior sucks. D:"
"I lost second gear in my WRX again PICS D:"
"None of the other Subie drivers wave back at me on the road, but the EVO drivers do!"

GAOC/grandamgt.com
My lower intake manifold went out again
My power windows stop working
pre96 GAs (There is a swinming pool in my trunk)
how can i get a quick 4 cylinder?
where to get clear corners.
how do you clear the taillights?
Will the SC from the Bonne SSEi fit on my 3400?
-Does this (inset random ebay BS speed chip) on ebay works
-Can a 3800 fit in my grand am
How much horsepower will this (insert name of WAI) CAI intake add?
How much horsepower will a 160 degree thermostat add to my STOCK car?

3000GT/Stealth forum
:Woke up this morning and ECU caught fire!!! how to rebuild at little or no cost
:What is the orange light on the dash that looks like it has fluid in it,

3rd Gen RX-7 Forums:
"Are FD's reliable?"
"Which apex seals to get, again?"
"Go single or go home"

Navigator forums : Help! 28" rims rub when I turn!

Ford truck world : Help! 38.5's rub when I turn!
-how much could i trade this rust bucket in for and get me a chevy? im wanting a great truck

[mikell]

An elderly lady phoned our local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog...or the senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[califblue]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the
astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One
day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in
the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited
and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a
message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA
official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and
told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The
NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and
played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these *******s. They have come to steal your land.":p

[winfred]

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[632 Regal]

A cowboy from southeastern New Mexico rodeoing in Albuquerque gets pulled
over by a New Mexico State trooper for speeding. The trooper started to
lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?" The trooper
stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're
called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.

They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment
later he stops and says, "Are you calling' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement
to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

Aft er a long pause, the cowboy, in his best southeastern New Mexican drawl
says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[califblue]

Subject: Harassment



Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget.":p

[winfred]

A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.
After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm ****ed now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"

[winfred]

Military Wisdom "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

- U.S. Marine Corps

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

- U.S. Air Force Manual

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General Macarthur

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

- Infantry Journal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S. Army Ordnance

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

- Infantry Journal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

- U.S. Navy Swabbie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- David Hackworth

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

- Infantry Journal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."

- Anonymous

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

- Unknown Marine Recruit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

- Your Buddies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

- USAF Ammo Troop

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

- From an old carrier sailor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

- Jon McBride, astronaut

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[winfred]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

[califblue]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the AFM"

She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?":D

[winfred]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100,
the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer
Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[bimmer95]

haha lots of good stuff... i like it

[winfred]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[azale]

These were voted the top ten . . .
Aren't there usually 10 items in a list of the "top ten"?

[winfred]

no that's a myth


Aren't there usually 10 items in a list of the "top ten"?

[winfred]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong

[califblue]

My wife left me... I don't understand.
After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses.
I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.:D

[Thayne]

Nice jokes so far! :D

[632 Regal]

The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Houston.. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"

[winfred]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be
very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[Alexlind123]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be
very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

One of the few times that i have actually LoLed at an online joke...