**********September Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
To STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
The salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."

[632 Regal]

An elderly man and a young woman had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?"

[632 Regal]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

[winfred]

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

[aston_jag_tech]

This is a written article in a motorcyle mag my friend told me today!! It reads..."So and so Mag... I love your magazine; it has been great for my hobby, but lately I think my wife is cheating on me! For the past few months she has been acting a little strange. She gets upset when I try to be romantic, flips out when I picked up her cell phone to check the time, and has been going out with her "girls" more. I ask which friends and she replies with girls from work that I dont dont know. And on top of it; coming home being dropped off by someone. I look outside and see no taxi, no friend, nothing! So I decided to park my motorcylce on the drive and see who is REALLY dropping her off to get some answers and thats when I saw it! A leak from my valve cover on my 83 yamaha venure royale. Now it looks easy enough to do the job myself; but would it just be better to take in into the shop and let them do the work? Thank you so much!"

That was the funniest joke Ive heard in a while. Not as funny on the forum for sure, but still worth typing.

[winfred]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"

[BillionPa]

Oh Snap!

[beemeraddict]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!


This is a written article in a motorcyle mag my friend told me today!! It reads..."So and so Mag... I love your magazine; it has been great for my hobby, but lately I think my wife is cheating on me! For the past few months she has been acting a little strange. She gets upset when I try to be romantic, flips out when I picked up her cell phone to check the time, and has been going out with her "girls" more. I ask which friends and she replies with girls from work that I dont dont know. And on top of it; coming home being dropped off by someone. I look outside and see no taxi, no friend, nothing! So I decided to park my motorcylce on the drive and see who is REALLY dropping her off to get some answers and thats when I saw it! A leak from my valve cover on my 83 yamaha venure royale. Now it looks easy enough to do the job myself; but would it just be better to take in into the shop and let them do the work? Thank you so much!"

That was the funniest joke Ive heard in a while. Not as funny on the forum for sure, but still worth typing.

[beemeraddict]

Subject: All About WD-40

I thought that you might like to know more about
this well known product.

When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's
the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty
shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as
well as glass, it's a miracle! Then try it on your
stove top... Viola! it's now shinier than it's ever
been. You'll be amazed.

The product began from a search for a rust
preventative solvent and degreaser to protect
missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three
technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical
Company. It's name comes from the project that was
to find a "water displacement" compound. They were
successful with the fortieth formulation, thus
WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect
their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so
pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also
known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at
home. The executives decided there might be a
consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.

The rest, as they say, is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four
people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There
are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff
manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive
smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there
is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing
2. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
3. Gets oil spot! s off concrete driveways
4. Gives floors that 'just waxed' sheen without
making it slippery
5. Keeps flies off cows
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards
7. Removes lipstick stains
8. Loosens stubborn zippers
9. Untangles jewelry chains
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from
oxidizing
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble
floors
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and
doors in homes
18. Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a
super fast slide
19. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for
ease of handling on riding mowers
20. Rids rocking chairs ! and swings of squeaky noises
21. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and
makes them easier to open
22. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to
open and close
23. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in
vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
24. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
25. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
26. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons
and bicycles for easy handling
27. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and
keeps them running smoothly
28. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades,
and other tools
29. Removes splattered grease on stove
30. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
31. Lubricates prosthetic limbs
32. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the
smell)
33. Removes all traces of duct tape
34. I have even heard of folks spraying it on their
arms, hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain.
35. Spraying it on fishing lures
attracts fish.

WD-40 has been designated the "official
multi-purpose problem-solver of NASCAR," a ringing
endorsement if there ever was one. Can WD-40 can
solve the Jeff Gordon problem?

In celebration of their 50th year, the company
conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of
it's customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is
a WD-40 Fan Club).

They compiled the information to identify the
favorite use in each of the 50 states. For Georgia and
Alabama the favorite use in both states was that it "penetrates
stuck bolts, lug nuts, and hose ends." Florida's
favorite use was "cleans and removes lovebugs from
grills and bumpers." California's favorite use was
penetrating the bolts on the Golden Gate Bridge.

The favorite use in the State of New York--WD-40
protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements. No
wonder they've had 50 successful years!!!


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

[aston_jag_tech]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!


ewwwwwwwwaaaa. Ill make sure I never have that combo.:(

[pundit]

A guy is in his backyard fixing a hole in his fence when he notices the little boy next door filling in a hole in the ground.
"Hi there Johnny. Whatcha doing?" he asks.

"I'm buryin' my goldfish." Johnny replied.

The guy notices the hole is about 3 feet in diameter and says...
"That seems like an awfully big hole to bury a goldfish in son?"

"Well not really..." Johnny said as he patted down the last remaining shovelfull of dirt."...not when you consider that it's inside your ****in' cat!"

[winfred]

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Ross]

A bus full of ugly people crashes and all are killed. While waiting in line at the gates of heaven God notices them and decides to grant each a special request as they enter his kingdom.
If you could wish for anything my child what would you have? asks God of the first ugly woman in line. Beauty, Lord, beauty she replies and the moment God touches her she is fabulously beautiful.
A man who is next sees this and recalls his lifetime of humiliation from being so ugly. He asks to be made handsome and is likewise transformed as he passes the pearly gates.
This is carried on by all in line, each becoming stunningly beautiful at the hand of God.
At the very end of the line a man begins snickering as he comes closer to his turn, and is in fits of laughter by the time God addresses him.
Finally composing himself in the presence of the Lord he also is offered to have a wish granted. Make 'em all ugly again he says.

[632 Regal]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

[GJPinAU]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house...

'talking dog for sale'

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yes, I do,' the Lab replies.

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.'

'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.'

[The Bigfella]

Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility."

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account." If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "'Den you try agin!"

[winfred]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around
at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it
for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[winfred]

A Cajun walks into a bar..

with A pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the
bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then
the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his
mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured
their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his
Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... "I'll try it - just don't
hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[winfred]

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[winfred]

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted.

[winfred]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[winfred]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and let her go.

[winfred]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with
it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

[632 Regal]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?


Thanks,

HarleyMan

[632 Regal]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I
go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I
think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to
get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit, replied the
doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met
Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were
having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so
happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new
pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
there now!!!"

[winfred]

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[BillionPa]

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

[winfred]

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the Son of a Bitch who ran over my FROG!"

[632 Regal]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

--------------------

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

[winfred]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[califblue]

A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a
little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket
for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the
back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got
there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top." :D

[winfred]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity like my applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while at tempting to run my favorite applications! I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User

[trumpetr]

^Thats one of my old favorites!!


There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the Son of a Bitch who ran over my FROG!"