*************november joke thread********************* [Archive]

winfred

11-02-2006, 10:39 PM

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

632 Regal

11-03-2006, 11:15 AM

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses,
one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're
heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, Panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepish ly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all going to die."

winfred

11-03-2006, 10:41 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
Her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

winfred

11-06-2006, 12:15 AM

Mr. Common Sense

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Zeuk in Oz

11-06-2006, 04:12 PM

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I

answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding

anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer

Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl

personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to

the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and

concentrate on the blood smears and bloody footprints."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had

entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had

already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in

murder case. He protested that he was just a telemarketer and knew

nothing about any murder.

Ignoring his protestations, I questioned the caller at great length

as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, cell phone

number, who he worked for, Social Security number, driver's license number,

had he ever been arrested, how he knew the dead guy, how long had he

known Mr. Brummer; where he had been, and could he prove where he had

been, about one hour before he made this phone call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned, confused, and his

answers were given in a shaky voice, but he continued to answer my

questions. He sounded like it was not the first time he had answered a police

officer's questions. I then told him we had located his position and

police officers were entering the building where he was to take him

into custody.

At that point I heard the phone fall to the floor and the scurrying

of his running away.

As I returned to our dinner table, my wife asked me why I had tears

streaming down my face. So help me, I couldn't tell her for about

fifteen minutes. My meal was now cold, but it was the best meal I

had eaten in a long, long time.

Zeuk in Oz

11-06-2006, 04:16 PM

Beyond the call of duty.

You want me to do what ........?

califblue

11-06-2006, 05:58 PM

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
fromthe original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point,my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , ...we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot,
"What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word
was...

CELEBRATE!!!":D

califblue

11-07-2006, 01:35 PM

An English, Irish & Scottish Couple are playing golf : The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his
pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy
yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit, or go to der barber."

winfred

11-07-2006, 11:38 PM

A girl from Georgia and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from Georgia, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then in her Sweetest Southern Accent replied:
"So, where ya from, bitch?"

dacoyote

11-08-2006, 12:21 PM

I heard a really funny joke today.... it goes like this...

Regal

winfred

11-09-2006, 11:23 PM

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has a humongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".

winfred

11-11-2006, 12:29 AM

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Response:

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will slow down before you are 65.
9. You find it difficult to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

winfred

11-11-2006, 11:26 PM

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me **** you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me **** you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me **** you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

trumpetr

11-12-2006, 01:28 PM

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
> favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
> blonde woman.
>
> Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
> apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
> he rattled her senseless.
>
> After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
>
> She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
>
> Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
> thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
>
> The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
>
> Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
> and softly says, "No."
>
> Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
> Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
> he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing
> and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back,
> gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles
> proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
>
> Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I
> Norvegian." .
>

winfred

11-12-2006, 11:47 PM

There were these three guys named Rick, Bob and Tom, who were really good friends. One day they went out after just getting paid, having a few drinks together, as usual, when Rick says to the boys

"Hey man, lets do something different for a change. I'm getting horny and I heard about this place down the road. Let's check it out." So the 3 men agreed and jumped in Rick's pick-up.

When they got there, they noticed there was a sign on the door that said 'Blow Jobs for $5, $10, & $15'.

So Bob not having to much extra cash to spend said "I'll go first for 5 dollars to see if it's worth it."
He goes up to the door and knocks, pulls out his 5 dollar bill and then enters the building. He was gone about 10 minutes when he comes back out of the door with a big 'ol grin on his face.

Seeing this Tom says, "Damn man, how was it?"
Bob said "That was the best damn blow job I ever had! I'll never forget it!."
So Tom said "Well, if it was that good, I'ma pay ten dollars!"

He goes up to the door and knocks, pulls out his ten dollar bill and then enters the building. He was gone about 30 minutes when he comes back out of the door with a big 'ol smile on his face.

Rick seeing this says, "Damn man, how was it?"
Tom said "That was the best damn blow job I ever had! I'll never forget it! She put whip cream around my dick with a cherry on top! Best damn blow job I ever had!"
Rick said "Well damn, if it was that good, I'ma pay fifteen dollars!"

So he goes up to the door and knocks, pulls out his fifteen dollars, and enters the building. He was gone about an hour when he comes back out of the door with a grin on his face from ear to ear.

Bob now having composed himself, saw this, and said "Damn man, how was it?"
Rick said "That was the best damn blow job I ever had! I'll never forget it! She put whip cream around my dick, put a cherry on top, and that son of a bitch looked so damn good, I ate it myself!

winfred

11-13-2006, 11:43 PM

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".

92E34

11-14-2006, 10:10 AM

This has probably been up here once before but I hate ricers so:

You Might Be A Ricer If…

You've spent more on graphics and decals than you have in gas, for the whole year

You sound like you're going 90, but you're creeping past 25

You upgraded to the "big bore" 2 inch exhaust

You lose 2 mpg by installing a body kit

Your wing is so large that if you go faster than 65, your bumper drags

You think "displacement" is something that happens to homeless people

Yugo's give you a run for the money

You continuously run red lights because they are invisible thru your red window tint

15's are considered HUGE rims

You can reach back and defrost the rear window by hand

You will race anyone, anytime, and already know that you will lose.

You think Moby is one of the greatest composers of our time

You spend all your money pimping it out because spending money to make it faster is a waste

Your little sister is the only one impressed with your car

When you win a race, you don't really win, it's just that the other guy felt soooo sorry for you

You think your mom's Corolla is fast

The cross section of your exhaust tip is bigger than the contact patch of your tires

Your aftermarket tach is bigger than your fist

You bought the big ass tach to try to scare off the fast cars. But all it does is let people know how hard you have to push it to exceed the legal speed limit

You rev on school busses

Hell, you rev on people in electric wheelchairs

You buy and install custom rims a pair at a time

YOU REALIZE THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE COOL!!!

You've entered a 12 step program called "How to come to terms with your limitations"

The bill of your hat gets caught when you roll the window up

You cut 2" holes in your rear bumper and don't know what they're for

You cut 2" holes in your rear bumper and DO know what they're for

You go to the auto paint store and pick out the most retina burning color you can find

You buy race gas to drop you from 17.02 to 16.9 in the quarter, and then tell all your friends how fast you went

You add a second battery to power all the neon, and the mini disco ball

You add a wing on TOP of your car, 'cause wagons need down force too

You've ever painted bare, raw fiberglass black and said "Look! It's just like carbon fiber!"

You get pimped out props from the mini truck crowd

You still only get dates from high school girls

You actually own a pair of light up glasses from Checker Auto

When you install your super phat wing, you put the pointy ends up

You purchase and install a body kit, one piece at a time

You saw the "Rice Boy" magazine in the back of Sport Compact, and inquired about a subscription

Your brother is pissed cause you stole the muffler off his dirt bike (it was a direct fit!)

Your dad is worried cause you bought a car with less displacement than his lawnmower

winfred

11-14-2006, 11:44 PM

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!

winfred

11-15-2006, 10:20 PM

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in
Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

winfred

11-16-2006, 10:33 PM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

winfred

11-18-2006, 11:22 PM

While traveling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants.
The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly garden and the owner spied him.
Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the Sheriff.
The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he replied, “Well, he’s big and gray and has a tail on both ends.”
The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing.
The backwoodsman replied, “He’s standing in my garden pulling cornstalks up with his tail.”
The Sheriff then asked what’s he doing with the cornstalks?
The backwoodsman said,” Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldn’t believe me!

winfred

11-19-2006, 11:51 PM

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

winfred

11-20-2006, 11:22 PM

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them."

winfred

11-22-2006, 10:40 PM

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

Wes F

11-22-2006, 11:12 PM

Alright, I started a thread about a joke that completely died, so I guess I'll add it here:

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again." :D

jnmip

11-23-2006, 07:18 AM

Elekta

11-23-2006, 09:22 AM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman who waves
at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says :

"No, I'm your son's math teacher."

winfred

11-23-2006, 11:45 AM

a good oldie modernized and revised topically for recycling

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

winfred

11-23-2006, 12:58 PM

some little known, but interesting facts.
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

winfred

11-24-2006, 10:59 PM

A Realtor in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....."

winfred

11-25-2006, 11:30 PM

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

winfred

11-25-2006, 11:31 PM

BEER vs. PUSSY: THE PLAYOFF

1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy

7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY

10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER

?12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER

13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
????????????????????????? PUSSY 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER

winfred

11-27-2006, 12:02 AM

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck! The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

winfred

11-28-2006, 12:07 AM

she'd be the perfect lady if she didn't say **** so much

Top 17 Country Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One Country Song ---

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few

mikell

11-29-2006, 01:31 PM

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer.
yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they??
Santa
------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do??
Love Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
--------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
---------------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys??
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
---------------------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
------------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

mikell

11-29-2006, 05:39 PM

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future."

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit ," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

winfred

11-29-2006, 11:48 PM

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”

winfred

11-30-2006, 11:00 PM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."