*************december joke thread********************* [Archive]

Yiorgos

12-02-2006, 04:05 AM

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for that."

mikell

12-02-2006, 10:00 AM

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain a s innocent as any first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

winfred

12-04-2006, 11:44 PM

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

winfred

12-05-2006, 11:32 PM

Two blonds were riding up an elevator. Long before reaching their floor, the elevator stopped and this really great looking guy got on.
He smiled at the blonds, and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery while the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him, he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave, the blonds saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.
The first blond turned to the second blond and said, " Eewweue!"
The second blond said," Thats o.k. If I can get him home, I'll give him Head & Shoulders."
The first blond asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

mikell

12-06-2006, 02:01 PM

Alleged to be a true story . . .

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , TX . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the Bar, apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night)-- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken".

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the
Designated Decoy."

We Ain't all as dumb as we look!!!

pgrindstaff

12-06-2006, 03:34 PM

Daddy's Phone Call
((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

Hello

Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?

No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank

After a brief pause, Daddy says, but honey, you don't have an Uncle Frank

Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now

Brief Pause

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway

Okay Daddy, just a minute

After a few minutes the little girl comes back to the phone . I did it Daddy

And what happened honey? he asked

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!

Oh my God, what about your Uncle Frank?

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't
know you took out the water last week to clean it . he hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he's dead

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . .

Swimming pool?

Is this 555-1234?

winfred

12-06-2006, 11:16 PM

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

nixter

12-07-2006, 11:47 AM

George Bush senior to George Bush junior: Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother, pulling out too late!

winfred

12-07-2006, 11:16 PM

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost".

mikell

12-12-2006, 10:27 AM

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the river. She went to the Verazzano Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder
and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

mikell

12-12-2006, 01:51 PM

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

winfred

12-12-2006, 11:14 PM

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.
As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."

GJPinAU

12-12-2006, 11:35 PM

The Purina Diet

*I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line
*to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
*
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
*The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
*up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
*awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
*orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
*
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
*it.
*I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
*works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
*eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
*nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
*
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
*enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
*
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
hit me.
*
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

GJPinAU

12-13-2006, 06:32 PM

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is freddie flintoff the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Strauss?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Harmison put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Milkboot

12-13-2006, 06:32 PM

My job is a joke..... that count? :(

Zeuk in Oz

12-13-2006, 11:05 PM

LOL - but remind me Greg - which country holds the Ashes at the moment ?

winfred

12-15-2006, 12:21 AM

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps tripped over and kicked the cat, the boy said "Mom should I tell him?"

LunatiC

12-15-2006, 01:15 AM

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

LunatiC

12-15-2006, 01:19 AM

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."

LunatiC

12-16-2006, 12:33 AM

21 Things you can only get away with saying @ Xmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

mikell

12-18-2006, 05:45 PM

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?" But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't offer that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"

GJPinAU

12-19-2006, 05:18 PM

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
*
But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed .
*
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.
*
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
*
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
*
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
*
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
*
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
*
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
*
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
*
"That's me before the surgery

GJPinAU

12-19-2006, 05:20 PM

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

winfred

12-26-2006, 12:03 AM

Scientific Philosophies

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

Brazilianbimmer

12-26-2006, 09:26 AM

A Lawyer (Driving an E34) gets pulled over for speeding. The young and inexperienced officer approaches the driver side window and asks for his Driver's license and registration. The Lawyer responds: "Sorry son, I don't have a license and the car is not mine so I don't have the registration either." The officer asks him to look in the glove box. The Lawyer says :" I can't do that because the gun I used to steal this car is in there." The officer asks him to step out of the car and open the trunk, to which the Lawyer says: "Can't do that either son, the body of the woman I killed to get this car is in there". At this point the young officer decides to call for backup. A few minutes later his sargeant is asking the lawyer for his license and registration. The Lawyer promptly produces the documents which seem to be all in order. The Sargeant asks him to open the glove box and he readily complies. "You see officer, only papers in there!". The sargeant asks him to open the trunk. He opens it. Seeing the empty trunk the sargeant says: "There must be some mistake here, the officer said you did not have a license or registration, you had a gun in your glove box and a corpse in your trunk" and the Lawyer replies, "That is absurd! What is he going to say next, that I was speeding?"

winfred

12-27-2006, 12:06 AM

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask
him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

mikell

12-27-2006, 02:03 PM

1. A bicycle can't stand alone... it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow... fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts... in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia... The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison... a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

mikell

12-29-2006, 12:03 PM

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. ! When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

winfred

12-30-2006, 12:37 AM

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Bimmer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."

jnmip

12-30-2006, 09:18 AM