**********February Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

To all you northerners or displaced northerners:


Norman and his wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have three to four inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while eating breakfast, they hear the announcer say, "We are expecting four to five inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week when they are having breakfast, the radio announcer begins, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park . . . " but the power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do!"

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

[Venus4NU]

February? Here in the central time zone it is January 30..... which means no where in the world is it February yet, January has 31 days.

Just my two cents worth.

K~

PS: Good joke!


To all you northerners or displaced northerners:


Norman and his wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have three to four inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while eating breakfast, they hear the announcer say, "We are expecting four to five inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week when they are having breakfast, the radio announcer begins, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park . . . " but the power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do!"

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

[632 Regal]

im on a different planet right now.
February? Here in the central time zone it is January 30..... which means no where in the world is it February yet, January has 31 days.

Just my two cents worth.

K~

PS: Good joke!

[Venus4NU]

im on a different planet right now.

Oh, now it all makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for clarifying. At first I thought I had lost another whole day of my life. Still haven't found the last one I lost.

K~

[Arxon]

Venus, try the old orthodox cristian calendar, you will earn 13 days!:)

[GJPinAU]

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Un**** you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing... and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress! is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor?

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly,terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You're depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If *******s could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-****?

[Arxon]

John and Mary are just married, John is a virgin and he does n't know anything about... So he ask his friend George's advice.
"don't worry" he said, "just do what exactly she does, it is easy"
So now John is nervus and alone with Mary in the bedroom...
Mary takes off her dress, John takes off his suit.
Mary, is waiting a little and after nothing happens, takes off her underwear, John takes off his underwear too.
Mary getting angrie, going to bed and lie down, John follows her, and lie down too.
Mary is desreratly, then raises and open her legs and waiting, John does exactly the same!
Then Mary asking him, " Hey John, do you know somebody to come and give us a ****?"

[califblue]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand
and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"">
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
wiener is hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too :D

[winfred]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[winfred]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail.
Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over.
"Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion."
The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again.
As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

[Venus4NU]

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One
day Wally didn't show up, Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there
sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart
like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury

[Venus4NU]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[LunatiC]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call!"

[Venus4NU]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," He said, "What do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[califblue]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied:

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Digita1 Ecstasy]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail.
Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over.
"Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion."
The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again.
As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

150, not bad....hmm

[winfred]

http://members.cox.net/wdixon27/germanfloat.jpg


One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied:

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[winfred]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a clean dish and...."

[Renman]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a clean dish and...."

A 50 year old guy goes to the Doc for a check-up. Knowing that at 50 you always get the rubber glove treatment, he drops his drawers and bends over the exam table. The Doc shoves (2) fingers up his ass. The patient exclaims, "Doc, what the hell are you doing cramming (2) fingers up my ass?"
The Doc then said, "I thought you might need a second opinion".

[GJPinAU]

Words Women Use

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying you're stupid.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you
know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true.

[GJPinAU]

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Frankie,..... The dwarf"

[632 Regal]

Subject: As tax filing approaches..


Planning a strategy in case you're audited..



The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.
"How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all
over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[BuckNaked]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff
Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'" --Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have
another beer." - W. C. Fields

[pundit]

Husband: Hi honey. How about sex?

Wife: How about foreplay?

Husband: Oh not tonight dear... I have a headache!

[winfred]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:


1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[winfred]

A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him,” if you're blind, why do you want to fly?"
And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience.
So off through the skies they went!
The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has
passed out!"
A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?"
The man said, "because **** is running out of my collar!!!!"

[winfred]

The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

[GJPinAU]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
Question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
Hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
A shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver Said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights Out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little
Tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
My first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the
Last 25 years!"

[GJPinAU]

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the computer room.

He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated ,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

"Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, there was no response.

So he walked right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"





and she says "For the 5th time, CHICKEN !"

[winfred]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

[winfred]

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.



I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of ****. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "********, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

[indierthanthou]

*ahem.*

http://astro1.customer.netspace.net.au/owned/owned.jpg

[LunatiC]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

[winfred]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

[winfred]

Airline Cabin Announcements II

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline’s fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,” Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[winfred]

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

[Venus4NU]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don’t know, Sir; I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

-

-

-

-

-

The man pulls off his oxygen mask……. smiles at her and says very slowly………….



"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but - listen very,very closely. . . . . .



" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[winfred]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" *

[Venus4NU]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of
higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words
redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican,
a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt
that
her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what
he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she
was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was
taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She
didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends because she spent all her time studying.

He asked her how her friend Audrey was doing. She replied, "Audrey is
barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies,
and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for
her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of
times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked
really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of
hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I
worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the
Republican party"

[Venus4NU]

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following.

Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. W hat do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
What does th e law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer: :

BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....

(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

[Renman]

Did you hear the one about the constipated jitterbug?



>
>

He couldn't jit.

[winfred]

southern and make that a glock model 31 in 357 sig with federal ashtrays for daily carry (id load my own but if ya gotta use it for defense commercial ammo holds up better in court) and my own loadings for the range


Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following.

Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. W hat do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
What does th e law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer: :

BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....

(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

[Ross]

LOVE it!

[540 touring]

Did everyone spend loads on their wives / girlfriends on valentines day ?
I got my wife and brand new bag, and a belt to go with it.


The hoover has never worked so well !!!!

phil raine

[winfred]

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[winfred]

Military Wisdom I

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

[Renman]

A couple that has been dating and maintaining their virginity for years finally decides to get hitched.
After a glorious ceremony and reception the bride and groom retreat to the honeymoon suite to commence the marriage. Upon entering the suite, the Groom becomes overwhelmed with stress. The Bride asks "what's wrong honey?". The Groom responds in a very concerned voice and says, "there is something I need to tell you but I've been dreading it". The Bride says, "look, I love you so much, there is nothing that will break our bond". So, the Groom tells her, "I'm built like a baby!". The Bride, looking more depressed says, "it will be ok, let me take a look at it".
So, the Groom pulls down his drawers and out comes this giant unit. She immediately says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby!".....

He says, "yeah, 8 lbs, 3 oz, 22 inches long". They lived happlily ever after.

[winfred]

Military Wisdom II

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies


------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
forgotten."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much
more difficult to fly there."

[winfred]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
''Try doing it with the engine running."

[winfred]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk!"

[gale]

Welcome to Jamaca mon, have a nice day:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,255483,00.html