**********August Joke Thread**********

[gale]

UK Help Line:

Dear Miriam

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching
TV as usual.

I hadn't gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and
the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I found him in the bedroom. I couldn't believe my eyes! He
was parading in front of the wardrobe mirrors dressed in my underwear and
high heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.

I am 32 and my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I
confronted him he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie
because he couldn't find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him
about the makeup he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my
clothes for six months.

I told him it would have to stop or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever
since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant and I
don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help?

Mrs B Essex

Miriam Replies:

"A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum
pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these solves the problem it could
be that the fuel pump is faulty causing low delivery pressure to the
carburettor float chamber."

[Macv]

5 Rules for men to be happy:

1.) It's important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2.) It's important to have a women who makes you laugh.
3.) It's important to have a women who doesn't lie and you can trust.
4.) It's important to have a women who's good in bed and like to be with you.
5.) It's important that none of the four women know each other.

[BFEINZIMER]

5 Rules for men to be happy:

1.) It's important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2.) It's important to have a women who makes you laugh.
3.) It's important to have a women who doesn't lie and you can trust.
4.) It's important to have a women who's good in bed and like to be with you.
5.) It's important that none of the four women know each other.

Amen

[bmwrp8]

Amen
X2!!!!!!!

[BMWDriver]

Installing Windows

On your computer :

Open packaging. Depending on your hardware, it may take several minutes to install.

Make sure all your hardware is connected to the computer. Windows will recognize everything connected to your computer and install the appropriate drivers.

Turn on the computer and insert Windows CD into your CD-Rom drive. Windows will now load and install itself onto your computer.

You will be prompted for the configuration of your Windows installation.

Once installation is complete, your computer will reboot.

On your house :

Open packaging. Depending on the staff you hired, it may take several hours to install.

Make sure you have all the hardware and tools. Workers should recognize all the tools and use them appropriately. Some tools may need to be connected to an electrical outlet.

Insert window into its frame. Workers should start to put in nails or screws to hold it in place.

You will be prompted for beer or refreshments during installation.

Once installation is complete, workers will go home, kick off their boots and have more of your beer.

[winfred]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, 'I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, 'I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in Sales, also.
What do you sell?'
She replied, 'If I tell you, you'll laugh.'
'No, I won't', he responded.
Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath while his sides ached and his face turned bright red.
She said, 'See I knew you would laugh.'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied. 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, i am still a hole behind you

[winfred]

A survey was conducted with a thousand men to try and establish why men like blow jobs so much.

5% said that they like the feel of their cock in a womans moist mouth

20% said that they like the domination they have over their woman

and 75% said that they like the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

[Milkboot]

*falls off chair* HAHAHA

[g7syw]

A young husband shouts downstairs to his new bride "Hey, come up here and hold my clock please"
The newly-wed woman runs upstairs and into the bedroom to find her husband laying naked on the bed with a huge erection.
She says to him "That's a cock, NOT a clock" to which the young man replies "It will be a clock when you put your two hands and face on it"

[winfred]

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'

[winfred]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[winfred]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'

[winfred]

European Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[califblue]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bed room, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet
floor. "You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and You're running around naked scaring
the kids!!"

[BMWDriver]

European Heighten Threat Levels
...

Canadian status has gone from "Very Polite" to "Polite".

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

[QUOTE=winfred]European Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.[/QUOTE
The British are on tiresome and have sent a gunboat to retake New Amsterdam, USCG arrested them as potential terrorists.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS Town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[GJPinAU]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all the slackers and time wasters.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make around $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO put his hand in his pocket and then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!!."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Yeah!...."

"He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!!!!"

[GJPinAU]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by
the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex
fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the
entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the
week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from...Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "I'll call John Howard - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten
enches long and eight enches thuck! That way
they'll continue to respect the all blacks!!"

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes.

She finds condoms;10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and
gold.

With small writing on each one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie ....
Oy
Oy
Oy

[winfred]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

[winfred]

So What's This Signify, Mr Freud?

Don't we all wish we could sometimes control our dreams a little more? Have ones we enjoyed make a repeat performance. Send those tearjerkers away so they're never seen again. Maybe extend one by a few minutes.

I had a really ****ed up dream this morning. But as bizarre and macabre as it was, I rather enjoyed it. How could I not, I was fighting zombies. But not just any zombie; childen zombies. From what I can remember -- things get a little fuzzier as time marches on -- the vast majority of them were around 5-8 years old. They had vacant eyes and bloodstained teeth just like any other zombie, they were just smaller. And of course clumsier because they were just kids. But being so small, it did give you the feeling of invincibility when I could throw a few of them at a time with the swingle sweep of my arm. Kind of like how a girl with tiny hands can make your dick look huge. But anyway, here I was with a handful of other adults -- none of whom I recognized or played any major role in the dream, other than just being there and fighting zombies the same as me.

And one small quirk I'd like to mention is, I had my gun with me. But it wouldn't shoot. I would rack the slide and send a round into the chamber, point it at a zombie kid's forehead, and squeeze the trigger. And squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeze. And the trigger would slowly go all the way back to where it pressed up against the frame and wouldn't go anymore. And you could sense that the firing pin was 99.999% released, and you just needed to squeeze the trigger a little more to make it fire... but it wouldn't budge. I'd rack the slide again, sending the unexpended round somersaulting through the air, and load a new round only to experience the same thing. I guess it was like the firearms version of the running in mud dream, I dunno.

So after battling these little stumbling ****ers for a few minutes, I come across this zombie baby (baby zombie?). It's only a few moinths old, so it looks harmless at first. But sure enough, vacant eyes and gnashing teeth dictate otherwise. It pretty much looked like the zombie baby from the Dawn of the Dead remake, only not all blue and veiny. So as I pick this zombie baby up and hold him facing me (at arms length, I'm not stupid ya know) I suddenly realize all the other zombie kids are dispatched and this is the last one. The adults I've been fighting alongside of form a loose circle around me, waiting to see what I'm going to do. I know I have to dispatch this last remaining zombie, but hesitate for a second as to how. After all, my gun isn't working. Then it hits me. The greatest idea ever. I can act with complete impunity because hey; it's a zombie baby! I giggle just thinking about it.

And with everyone gathered around me I say, "Hey watch this... Shaken Baby Syndrome!" and proceed to shake the little ****er to death. Seriously.

So tell me, Dr Freud. What's that mean?

[GJPinAU]

Sigmund Freud's Priorities

Five things are happening in your house at the same time. In which sequence would you handle them?

1. The telephone is ringing!
2. The baby is crying!
3. Someone's knocking or calling you from the front door!
4. You hung the clothes out to dry and it is beginning to rain!
5. You left the tap on in the kitchen and the water is already overflowing!

In which sequence would you solve these problems? Write the sequence and check below how your decisions were made.

BUT BE HONEST, THE FINDINGS ARE EXCITING.

First write YOUR sequence from 1 to 5 then scroll below and read after!


All you have to do is prioritise and then check the answers.








Results:
Every individual point represents something in your life.
On the list you can see which meaning every point has:
1. Telephone represents Work
2. Baby represents Family
3. Door represents Friends
4. Clothes represent Money
5. Tap represents Sex

Your chosen sequence determines the priorities in your life.

Now....did you turn off the tap first ? ;-)

[whiskychaser]

Every country tells jokes about a neighbouring country's people being not so bright. This joke was told to be by a frenchman at the weekend:

3 car loads of Belgians want to cross to the UK so they decide to take the ferry from Calais to Dover. All is going well until they get close to the port when they see a big sign saying ''PAS DE CALAIS''. So they all turn round and go home

[winfred]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[winfred]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then
pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

[bsell]

My wife and I are watching? "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No."? She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

[bsell]

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,"
Sam explained.
"I want to make a perfect shot."

His companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here.

[winfred]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[winfred]

Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.
Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

[g7syw]

It was the start of the motor racing season and all the big boys were there. During the practice races the Ferrari car was called into the pits for a tyre change but unfortunately didn't stop quite quick enough and two of the vital pit crew were injured.
There was panic for the whole Ferrari team as without a complete pit crew they knew that it wouldn't be possible to race, so it was decided to contact as many people as possible to find suitable replacement crew members.
After an hour or so on the phone there stood before the Ferrari team a small bunch of assembled men all eager to get their chance at joining the pit crew. The team manager asked each indivdual what experience they'd got and how fast they could get parts off the car.

The first man worked for a breakdown recovery service and it took him 45 minutes to get to the car, another 15 minutes to spend looking at it before deciding that he needed to call for help.
"That's no good to us" cried the manager and sent the applicant on his way.

The second man worked for a fast-fit tyre & exhaust company and after three attempts at getting the car in the right place before jacking it up looks underneath, sighs and says "I'm going to have to replace the whole lot & I don't know if we have the parts in stock"
Again, the manager sent him away...

The manager said to the third man "I don't even want to know where you work, just show me you can do the job PLEASE!!"

The man calmly walked up to the car, undid all the wheelnuts, took all four wheels off and neatly stacked them up - all this in 15 seconds on his own. Impressed the manager asked him what he did for a living and where he was from, to which the man replied "I'm from Glasgow, unemployed and I can get you £50 a wheel for these..."

[winfred]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

[gale]

http://www.nmia.com/~dgnrg/hilary.jpg

[winfred]

love it :D


http://www.nmia.com/~dgnrg/hilary.jpg

[gale]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing
is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the
hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse
Jackson, and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to
car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

"About a gallon"

[winfred]

http://members.cox.net/wdixon27/germanfloat.jpg

[gale]

Hard to buck a theme . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2y_LEbdEVE

[winfred]

holyshit

[winfred]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

[winfred]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[winfred]

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.
"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."
The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."
"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."
The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.
No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."

[winfred]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that Reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[BMWDriver]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


I like these best.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired F-105 pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

[632 Regal]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more
times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."


It pays to be careful around old people.

[Zeuk in Oz]

Finally, a definition of globalisation I can understand and to which I can relate

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an A m e ri ca n doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is G l o b a li s a ti on !

[Sam-Son]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Spice Boy]

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

Funniest thing ive read in a long time!

[bmwrp8]

Lol

[winfred]

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
"How soon can I go home?"

[winfred]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[BMWDriver]

A legend on German engineering:

A Japanese team of engineers was able to make the world's smallest drill bit. Quite proud of their technical feat, they decided to send it around to engineering societies of the world. Doing so, they received much praise from their peers around the globe.

However, when it came back from Germany, they discovered a hole had been drilled right in its center.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Wassama and Mustafa are begging at the motorway service station, each holding a sign.

Wassama drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Mustafa only brings in £1 to £2 a day.

Mustafa asks Wassarma how he can possibly bring home a bag full of pound coins every day.

Wassarma says, "Just look at your sign."

"I have no work, a wife & SIX kids to support."

"Now look at mine."

Mustafa looks at Wassama's sign.


"I only need another £5 to move back to Somalia"

[632 Regal]

too much for even me. my son likes it tho


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2y_LEbdEVE

[Zeuk in Oz]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the Wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go In.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scholiasts?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."