**************september joke thread*************

[winfred]

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

[mattyb]

This a story about 4 people named, EVERYCUNT, SOMECUNT, ANYCUNT and NOCUNT.

There was a job to be done and everycunt was aksed to do it, everycunt was sure somecunt could do it, but nocunt did it.

Somecunt got angry becuase it was everycunts job.

Everycunt thought somecunt would do it and nocunt realised that anycunt could have done it.

It ended up with everycunt blaming somecunt and nocunt did what anycunt could have done!

Oh how simple life can be sometimes!

[rufryder]

A policeman is driving down the road following the traffic. Suddenly the car in front swerves violently then straightens out then swerves again. After a couple of minutes of this repeatedly the policeman pulls the car over and approaches the blonde girl.

Girl: "Oh thank God you are here officer. As I'm driving along, a tree looms straight in front of me and I swerve to avoid crashing in to it and another one appears again straight away."

The policeman rolls his eyes "Ma'am, I think that is your air freshner."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She
was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.



Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

[winfred]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

[g7syw]

A young man was having terrible problems with his sex life and so he went to the doctor.
"Doctor, it's a bit embarrassing but whenever I have sex it's all over in about a minute"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Well, I'll give you some pills to reduce your excitement" - "Thanks" says the young man and goes off quite happy.

A few days later the young man is back to see the doctor again, "Sorry doc, but those pills you gave me didn't work and my girlfriend is getting a bit upset as she's still up for it while I'm finished!"

The doc thinks for a while - "I know, I've got the answer. Go to the local sports shop and buy yourself a starting pistol and as soon as you feel yourself coming fire the pistol. This will give you a shock and hopefully stop you coming too soon"

The young man goes away quite happy and buys himself the pistol. When he gets home his girlfriend isn't there so he thinks to himself "I can try the doc's idea out on my own before she gets back" and that's what he does. So there he is laying on his bed choking the chicken like crazy, he's just about to come so he fires the pistol - BANG! - the feeling goes away - "Hey, this does work, can't wait till she gets home"

The next day he goes back to the doc. Doc says "How are you feeling did it work?"

"I'm terrible" says the man "We were on the bed and at the right moment I felt under the bed for the pistol and fired it and the feeling went away just like you said"

"So what's the problem" says the doc
"Well, at the time we were having a 69 and when I fired the gun she **** all over my face and bit the helmet off my cock. To make matters worse a guy came out of the closet shouting that he's sorry and that he'll never do it again..."

[Karl]

Did you ever wonder...
...why managers get labor day off?

[GJPinAU]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all Perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? Shegiggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger ." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

[GJPinAU]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crcodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

[GJPinAU]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

[GJPinAU]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her
bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18",
she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[GJPinAU]

Telephone conversation goes;

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.

He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"



"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."



The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.



They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.



Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!

[winfred]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!

[quan98]

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small-town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbour bridge, and the man is further unimpressed: "I have a duck pond bigger that that harbour, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Syndey-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn -- "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself: "Bloody grasshoppers!"

[quan98]

There is a minnow swimming in a pond, who spots a worm. "Hmm," thinks the minnow, "if I swim up and eat that worm, I'll have lunch!"

There is a frog sitting on a lily pad, thinking to himself, "If I wait for that minnow to go after that worm, I can jump in and eat him and I'll have lunch!"

There is a fish in the pond who sees the frog and thinks, "If I wait for the frog to go after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swim over and eat him, and I'll have lunch!"

There is an eagle flying over the pond, who spies the fish and thinks, "If I wait for the fish to swim over to eat the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swoop down and catch him, and I'll have lunch!"

There is a hunter by the side of the pond staring up at the eagle and thinking, "If I wait for the eagle to swoop down to get the fish that is going after the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can shoot him and I'll have lunch!"

There is a mouse sitting behind the hunter thinking, "If I wait for the hunter to bend down to shoot the eagle when it dives after the fish that is going for the frog that is going for the minnow that is going for the worm, the crackers will fall out of his pocket, and I'll have lunch!"

There is a cat sitting behind the mouse thinking, "If I wait for the mouse to go after the crackers which fall out of the hunter's pocket when he bends down to shoot the eagle that is diving after the fish that is going for the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the worm (phew!), I can pounce on him, and I'll have lunch!"

The minnow darts, the frog jumps, the fish swims over, the eagle dives, the hunter bends down to shoot, the crackers fall and the mouse is about to run after them, when he hears a noise behind him and instinctively crouches down reeeaaal low. The cat pounces where he was expecting the mouse to be, and goes sailing into the pond.

The moral of the story?

The longer the climax, the wetter the pussy.

[quan98]

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realise certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts".

The second man is only too happy to help & in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no ****ing".

They yell back, "We're not ****ing".

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no ****ing".

Again they yell back, "We're not ****ing".

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no ****ing".

They yell back, "We're not ****ing!!".

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're ****ing!".

[quan98]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm ****ed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT ****ed! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you!"

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again:

"Okay ..... NOW you're ****ed!"

[quan98]

Confucius says...

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught redhanded.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon -- one prick, all gone.

[quan98]

Old Mr. Wienstien owns a factory that makes nails. He eventually retires and leaves his son to run the business. Just before Easter, he's reading a magazine and sees an ad with Christ on the cross and the message: "Use Wienstien nails for all your tough jobs."

He's appalled. He calls up his son and complains that the ad is terrible. The son apologises and promises to fix it.

A few days later, the old man opens another magazine. Now he sees a picture of a bare cross, with a bloody body wearing a crown of thorns lying at the foot. The caption: "Should have used Wienstien nails!"

[quan98]

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and
they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of
a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is
potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't
put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

[quan98]

One day there were two gays visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found
themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge
gorilla hard-on.

The one gay says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other gay says 'There's only one
way to find out and that's to touch it'

The gay reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on ! Before he can remove his arm the
gorilla graps him ... hauls him into the cage ... slams him onto the floor ... jumps on top of him ... and nearly buggers him to death.

Three days later the gay wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's
the gay's buddy. The buddy asks 'Are you hurt?' The bedridden gay says 'HURT!... OF COURSE
I'M HURT...HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!'

[quan98]

There's this newly-married couple who move into a house. The wife goes upstairs and notices a
mirror hanging on the wall. She goes up to and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my husband like most of all?" And the mirror replies "Your ****". She then says "Mirror mirror on the wall, give me size 44!". And hey presto, she gets these big ****.

Excitedly she rushes downstairs to show her husband, who is amazed upon seeing her. He asks her what happened and she tells him about the mirror. So the husband rushes upstairs to the mirror and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my wife like most of all?". The mirror
replies "Your dick". So the man says "Mirror mirror on the wall, make my dick touch the floor". So
his legs fall off...

[quan98]

A young lady gets a taxi home late at night and dicovers when she gets home that she has lost her purse. When the taxi driver is not prepared to let her off the $10 fare she raises her skirt to reveal she is wearing nothing underneath and asks the taxi driver if he will accept payment in kind.

The taxi driver jumps at his chance and gets in the back of the taxi with the young girl. He takes his trousers off and as she sees the size of his huge member she thinks, "Wow, this is my lucky night! I may have lost my purse but its not every night you can get a lift home and get rodgered by a bloke with a 12" dick into the bargain".

She looks again as she hears the taxi driver fumbling about and sees him slipping a series of large washers over the end of his member. "Oy, what's this!" she shouts, "What sort of pervert are you?"

The taxi driver looks up and says: "Well, you didn't expect the whole thing for only $10, did you?"

[quan98]

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread into the toilet?
A. To feed her toilet duck

Q. What was Michael Jackson's latest disappointment?
A. He found out Boyz to Men wasn't a delivery service.

Q. Why was the blonde so happy to finish the jigsaw puzzle in two days?
A. It said on the cover "3-6 years"

[quan98]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies:

"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

[quan98]

So there was a guy drinking at a bar in the country recently. The guy had drunk until he had no money left. The guy pleaded with the bartender to give him some drinks on the house. The bartender repeatedly declined the offer. After 10 minutes of nagging the bartender agreed, but only if the man did three things for the bartender. The drunk said sure.

First you must go out and knock out the bouncer -- who was over 150kg and had huge biceps.

Next you must go out the back and pull the bad tooth out of my dog.

Then finally you must have sex with the town slut.

So the drunk proceeded out the front and with a couple of hits the bouncer was on the ground. The bartender looked up in amazement and then pointed to the back to where the dog was.

After a few seconds the bartender heard a loud RUFF! RUFF! Five minutes latet RUFF! RUFF! again. Then 10 minutes later RUFF!RUFF!.

The bartender was just starting to get worried when the drunk came in through the front with a big smile on his face and said, "So ,where is this town slut with the bad tooth?"

[quan98]

There's this Indian fellow and he walks into a supermarket. He asks the attendant what types of toilet paper they have. The attandant tells him that they have several brands, ranging from the Kleenex for five bucks a roll to the NO-NAME brand for twenty cents a roll. So the Indian man says, "OK, I will have two rolls of NO-NAME paper, please".

The next week he comes back into the store and says to the attendant, "I have thought of a name for your NO-NAME toilet paper."

"Oh yes -- and what's that?"

"I shall call it the John Wayne toilet paper."

"Why?"

"Because, it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no **** from no Indian!"

[quan98]

The Pope was kidnaped by some Italian Terrorists, who told him that, in order to be released, he would have to be photographed screwing a 17-year-old girl. The terrorists figured that with this hanging over his head, the Pope would stop the church's campaign against terrorism.

The pontiff was outraged. But after the terrorists made it clear that he would be killed otherwise, he reluctantly agreed, but only on three conditions.

"One," the Holy Father said, "the young girl must be blindfolded so she cannot see what horrible thing is happening. Two, the girl must be wearing earplugs so she can't hear."

"All right," the leader of the terrorists said. "What's the third condition?"

The Pope replied, "The girl's got to have real big ****."

[quan98]

Guy goes to the doctor and says: "I have three problems doc."

"First, my wife is a sex maniac. Screw, screw, screw all night. I'm almost too tired to go to the office."

"Second, my secretary is a sex maniac. Screw, screw, screw all day, it's absolutely burning me out."

"And thirdly, and this's the problem thats really worrying me, is that I get blackouts when I wank."

[quan98]

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order three pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs.

The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew.

The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger.

The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers, squeezes it and says, "Alright ye wee ****er. Spit it out! Noo!"

[quan98]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's".

The lawyer said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

"Yea, I got about 140 acres"

"No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

"No, I don't have a Case, but I do have a John Deere"

"No, you don't understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

"Course I got a grudge -- it's where I park my John Deere"

"No, sir -- I mean, do you have a suit?"

"Yes, sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays"

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No, sir, we both get up about 4.30"

Finally, the attorney says, "Well, let me put it this way -- Why do you want a divorce?

And the farmer says, "Well, I jist never can have a meaningful conversation with her".

[quan98]

The beautiful blonde gold-digger, out to get rich quick, married an old, frail billionaire.

On the wedding night, she waited for him, dressed in a dazzling, revealing negligee, designed to show all her ample charms.

Finally, the old man came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a condom, plugging cottonwool into his nostrils and ears.

"Darling," she cooed. "Why the cottonwool?"

"There are two things I can't stand," the old man explained. "One is the sound of a woman screaming, and the other is the smell of burning rubber!"

[quan98]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their
honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.







"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

[winfred]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[winfred]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Zeuk in Oz]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that."
"If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant." "It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f**king brother won't let me in
without a tie!"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

What's yours?"


"I'll have the same please," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be

£9.40

please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the

exact amount for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

Hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.


For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the

week

"The usual?" asks the waitress.


"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and

salad

Says the man.


"Yep! the same please," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62p."


Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it
On the table.


The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.


How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket

every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and

Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me just two

wishes. My First wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would

just put my Hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always

be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a

Couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

Money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird

With a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

For the english:: I can sympathise with the Italians,know what its like to lose a tenner.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

a gas man knocks on a door, a teenage boy answers wearing stockings,suspenders and knee high boots,smoking a joint with a rubber cock stuck on his head,"is your mother in?" The boy says,"what do you ****ING THINK?"

[winfred]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old
ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided I'd better get my shopping done.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Two Women Playing Golf.



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down
to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me," she told him.



"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.



He was in obvious agony lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments then asked.... "How does that feel?"




He replied, " it feels great, but my thumb still hurts".

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

> You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side
> is a
> valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the
> same
> speed as you.
>
> In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as
> your car
> and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
> ground
> level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling
> at the
> same speed as you.
> What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
> situation?
>
>
>
> Page down
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer:
> Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

[winfred]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[winfred]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[BMWDriver]

tonight, i meet fate and destiny.

if i'm lucky, they'll both be in my bed tomorrow morning.

[winfred]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[winfred]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school Telephone answering machine This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

[gale]

. . .
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

LOL, ROTFLMAO :D Still laughing 2 days later -- hehehe!!!

[gale]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[winfred]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Dear Mr. James Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"?
I'm guessing you haven't.

Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."

Are you fuc*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
"happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull sh*t.

And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

I have a colonial cousin, E34 of course. It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote
> >reservation
> > >>in South Alberta Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going
> >to Be
> > >>cold Or Mild.
> > >>
> > >> Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been
> >taught
> > >>the Old Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The
>
> > >>winter Was Going To Be Like.
> > >>
> > >> Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe That
> >the
> > >>winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The
> > >>village
> >
> > >>should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.
> > >>
> > >> But Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An
> >idea. He
> > >>went To The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And
> >asked,
> > >>'is The
> > >> Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?'
> > >>
> > >> 'it Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be Quite Cold,' The
> > >> Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.
> > >>
> > >> So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect
> >even
> > >>more Firewood In Order To Be Prepared.
> > >>
> > >> A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again.
> >'does It
> > >>still Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?'
> > >>
> > >> 'yes,' The Man At National Weather Service Again Replied,
> > >> 'it's
> >
> > >>going To Be A Very Cold Winter.'
> > >>
> > >> The Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To
> >collect
> > >>every Scrap Of Firewood They Could Find.
> > >>
> > >> Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service
>
> > >>again. 'are You Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very
> >cold?'
> > >>
> > >> 'absolutely,' The Man Replied. 'it's Looking More And More
> > >> Like
> >it
> > >>is Going To Be One Of The Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen.'
> > >>
> > >> 'how Can You Be So Sure?' The Chief Asked.
> > >> The Weatherman Replied, 'the Indians Are Collecting Firewood
> >like
> > >>crazy.'

[Ross]

A man asks his wife why when they argue she doesn't fight back. How do you manage your anger? He asks.
"I clean the toilet" she replies. How does this help? the husband asks.
" I use your toothbrush"

[winfred]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[632 Regal]

One hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the
dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned
the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat, she's cool ‘cause I got 'er
tied up under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand, your dog needs to be bred.

"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she's not hungry,
cause I fed ‘er beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to
understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

[632 Regal]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down
under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't
wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying
to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp
–and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you $500?"

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give
me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He
promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay
me back."

[Spice Boy]

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that ****. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That **** is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the **** that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that ****, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that **** if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your ****, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all ****ing surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big ****ing deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty **** you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really ****ing you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

That is all.

[winfred]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

[Zeuk in Oz]

So you reckon you watched enough episodes of Neighbours to be an expert on Aussie lingo - try this quick unofficial citizenship quiz:

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin
of, the term "died in the arse"?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos
rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a
Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies,
bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block
after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If
they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and
Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between
flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...
b) You're going home in the back of a ...
c) Fair suck of the ...
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss.
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard up
on blocks? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage,
curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow
mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and
other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop
and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been
nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat barbie, can you eat other
people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required
by Law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an
esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue"
Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer
or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

[632 Regal]

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better.For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge#3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became

Judge 3."Here are the scorecard notes from the
event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell
is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your Driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy!!!

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky,with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the
reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste Besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
Maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods,
Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 --
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible
To burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
Refills. This 300 lb. Woman is
starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear
waste I'm Eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers
Make a strong statement.
Judge # 3
-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my
Eyes. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
Offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
Tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm Burning my lips off. It really
ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
Screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best
yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped
on Myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
Inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum,
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last
moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a
grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's
too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1
-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This
final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

[winfred]

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[shogun]

PC trouble - ID ten T error :)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that.. incase I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.

[winfred]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and
when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for
having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The
more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

[winfred]

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"

...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.

...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."

...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

[gale]

...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle...


LOL

[winfred]

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing, make yourself a cocktail and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Jeff, you are entirely responsible for the best of the year! Had to read it three times before I could read it completely during which 10780 tons of gravel did two turns in the middle of the english channel, even the french authorities laughed when I sent it. Best yet!

[winfred]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.