**********december joke thread**********

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY



After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, since they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the woodshed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count . . .

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

"uhmm . . "

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.




This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Iowa, Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia and in some parts of Washington, DC.

[winfred]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[winfred]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

[mikell]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,"It's certainly not
a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[whiskychaser]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2000.00. Tux rental-£200 tops. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[ryan roopnarine]

probably offensive to the english.....

this is from an internet thread about more little boys learning to cook because of shows like hell's kitchen, the food channel fare, et cetera. somehow it devolved into a discussion about gordon ramsay. a guy on this board randomly goes around and makes songs, haikus, poems about the relevant subject matter.... i know it is immature, but i laughted like a jackass at it for about 90 seconds, so i felt like posting it here.


All you British mother farkers can suck my dick
All your food farking tastes like shiat
Like Kung-Pow par boiled elephant clit
And you make cheese that has mother farking grit

I'll boil some water and pour it over over your head
Tea Bag your face, I think nuff's said

Bust out the lemon and squeeze it in your eye
Dinner time in Britain time for donkey shiat pie

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

If you can`t stand having the piss taken out of you, don`t be english!! To quote an english politician" one lunatic lefty in a loin-cloth and we lost a bloody empire" Sorry Ghandi.

[whiskychaser]

If you can`t stand having the piss taken out of you, don`t be english!! To quote an english politician" one lunatic lefty in a loin-cloth and we lost a bloody empire" Sorry Ghandi.
x1
And as for chefs, check out the type on the bottom of the packet that this one recommends:
http://www.buzzhumor.com/pictures/3845/Ainsley_Harriot_Sausages

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.....
He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'
"So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'
"I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm, "said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try these on."
So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."
So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

[GJPinAU]

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss then days events over a couple of shandies.
One questions the other two, 'Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it'
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, 'Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.'

'No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it' offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order,
'Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please'. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, 'I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast'

The waitress gets to the last groom' I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have...' he takes a deep breath 'SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST' he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.

'Seven pieces of toast sir?' queries the waitress. 'Why, that's an awful lot' 'Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.' She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again.

'And by the way love, can you make two of those brown!!!’

[GJPinAU]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and he returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[GJPinAU]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.

It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this'.
He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, 'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'
Paddy says 'I've put the dog in our yard. Fookin' see how THEY like it !'

[GJPinAU]

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all..
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them..I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Ron..

P.S.
My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showin

[winfred]

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses - until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the - bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of - termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but - How?

6.
Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.

7.
No news is - impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a - Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new - Math

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust - Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the - pigs.

13.
An idle mind is - the best way to relax

14.
Where there's smoke there's - pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is - not much.

17.
Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than - Pregnant

[winfred]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[winfred]

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the over-
whelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As
part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of deli-
vering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus.He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off."

The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as
well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee
wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got
Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

[attack eagle]

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

[attack eagle]

'Twas the night before Christmas on the Enterprise-D,
On a routine short hop to Starbase 03,
With Data on duty in the command chair,
At Warp 6, the Enterprise soon would be there.

Just for something to do while the other crew slept,
He scanned where historical records were kept --
And with a blink of his eye and a cock of his head,
"Intriguing! Tomorrow is Christmas!" he said.

But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why,
And so he buzzed Geordi, who awoke with a sigh:
"Christmas? It's only an old holiday --
Now just let me get back to sleep, okay?"

"But is to wish Merry Christmas not human to do?"
And so Data wished it -- to the whole ship and crew.
Everyone on the Enterprise awoke from this clatter --
Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter.

"What is the meaning of this noise, Mister Data?"
"Sir, is it not Christmas--?" "We'll discuss it much later!"

Just then Worf said, "Captain -- a Klingon Prey Bird!
Its hull has been damaged -- it's uncloaking, sir."
"On screen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed:
"Federation vessel, our Life Support systems have failed!

A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst,
(though naturally, of course, we'd fired on it first)."

The Klingons beamed over, and the senior staff met,
To try and determine the source of the threat.
Said Picard, "Mister Data, an assignment for you:
Give all of these Klingons something to do!
They think it's the Romulans we should look for,
Get them all off the bridge, before there's a war!"

So Data departed, while the rest of the crew
Wondered: Romulans? Ferengi? If not them, then who?

Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck Three!"
The entire bridge crew ran down there to see.
Roared Picard, "Mister Data, what the devil is this!!"
"Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."

And so there they were -- on holodecks 3, 4 and 5
With synthohol, singing and Rokeg Blood Pie!
Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer
Friend,foe, and family came from both far and near.

The Romulans showed up with some Romulan Ale,
The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale!
But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told,
With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold.

Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us -- attack!"
Said Picard, "On Christmas? -- Mister Worf, just hold back."
And then as the ship came into view,
Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!

He wore a white beard and a suit of deep red...
"Joyeux Noel, mon captain," was what Santa Q said.
"Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk.
You need good defense systems in this line of work.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away...
Did you think anyone else could do this job in one day?"

"I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi,
"Peace in the galaxy, Good Will and Joy."
And they stood on the bridge and watched Q take flight,
shouting,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

[winfred]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

This is for the UK part of the forum,US may need translation!!

Signs seen outside St Lukes church Chelsea.

Just to prove to you that you're not the only one in touch with the Church ..........

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: ----------------------------------------------------


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.




The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."




Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.




Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.




The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.




Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.




Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.



Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.



For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.




Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.




Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.




The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."




Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.




A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.




At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.




Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.




Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.




Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility ....




Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.



The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.




This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.




Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.




The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.




Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.




The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.




Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.




The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours ."

[whiskychaser]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

They are all good but thats my personal favourite. Nice one:)

[Dragunov]

Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

"No, you have the wrong number......."

[winfred]

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[winfred]

A Navy Admiral and a Coast Guard Chief are at the barbers getting their hair cut and a shave.
The barber asked the Admiral if he wanted after shave and he proclaimed loudly '**** no, my wife will think I smell like the inside of a whore-house!'
The Chief said quietly, go ahead and hook me up, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.'