**********january joke thread********

[Paul in NZ]

where oh where do you get them all from Winfred???

[winfred]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,


JESUS SAVES

[Patrick]

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS

DETROIT—With fourth quarter sales sluggish, the recent third quarter posting of a record $39B loss and domestic market share continuously down since the early 1990’s, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday to help boost sales.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 2008 cars.

“Auto accidents have never been so exciting, “said GM vice-president of marketing Lionel Watkins, who expects the contest to boost sales significantly. “When you play the new GM Instant-Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean winning the Grand Prize, a trip for two to Super Bowl XLIII in New Orleans. Or a year’s worth of free Mobil gasoline.”

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2008, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

“As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, boy, this could be it—I could be a big winner!’” said Cincinnati’s Martin Franks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the 2007 Buick LaCrosse they were driving skidded on black ice and slammed into an oncoming truck. “When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read the airbag!”

“It’s really addictive,” said Sacramento, CA resident Marjorie Kemp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. “I’ve already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven’t won. I swear I’m going to win those tickets—even if it kills me!”

Kemp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Vibe and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. “In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that’s understandable. After all, they’re scary and dangerous and sometimes, even fatal,” GM CEO Roger Oberman said. “But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn’t like that?”

Hartford, CT resident Joseph Mendez was killed Sunday when his Pontiac Solstice hit a freight train. Mendez won $500 in the accident. CEO Oberman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize would be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM’s official contest rules, available on their website, odds of winning the Grand Prize are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. “If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place—approximately 1 in 720,000—the actual odds of winning a prize each time you drive your car is more like 1 in 31 trillion.”

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. “I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Malibu,” said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Moore. “My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn’t inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver who hit me, while driving a rented 2007 Chevy Aveo, won a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift certificate. That’s just wrong.”

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

I want to live my next life ........backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go to collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-
Like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[whiskychaser]

Well ...

[whiskychaser]

Oh yes she did!

[winfred]

Am I Gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' You're fit to be framed,
you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or
****. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.

[winfred]

Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
He tells her, "it's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

I found Winfred`s calculator!
http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf

[quan98]

sad yet funny at the same time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD2nvhCotIg&feature=bz301

[///Sniper535]

Oh yes she did!

what the hell are these types of pictures called?

[Morgenster]

what the hell are these types of pictures called?

You can compose them yourself on the Despair website.

http://www.despair.com

[Guapo]

You can compose them yourself on the Despair website.

http://www.despair.com

Yeah, made a couple fun ones for my Z car a few years ago:

http://www.guapozx.com/misc/porschedinner.jpg

http://www.guapozx.com/misc/thehunt.jpg

[quan98]

Yeah, made a couple fun ones for my Z car a few years ago:

http://www.guapozx.com/misc/porschedinner.jpg

http://www.guapozx.com/misc/thehunt.jpg

Guapo - was that a TT? How'd you compare it to the bimmer in terms of overall performance, engineering / design, and maintenance?

[Guapo]

Guapo - was that a TT? How'd you compare it to the bimmer in terms of overall performance, engineering / design, and maintenance?

Well, yes, it is a TT. It started out as an NA, but I did a TT conversion about 4 years ago. It is pretty much my first love "fun car".

Performance, it outruns my Bimmer hands down. However, I'm close to 400 rwhp, and the 525 might have 150, LOL. The Z also has all the suspension goodies, including coilovers, sways, etc, so it handles pretty well.

For a Japanese car, the engineering is damn good. It really was a revolutionary car when it came out in the late '89. Very solid, very well built. There are a couple of things they could have improved on at the outset such as lousy injector connectors, but overall it is quite good.

The major downside to is that they didn't bother to take maintenance into account when designing it. The engine bay is VERY tightly packed, and something that should be simple like the PCV valves (it has 2), is typically a 2 hr job. Changing the turbos requires a motor pull. When I got the Bimmer, I marveled at how easy everything is. I giggle like a little boy every time I work on it, as the BMW designers clearly were thinking about how someone would have to work on it someday. It is a pure joy to work on after cutting my teeth on the Z.

I find the Bimmer works great as my daily driver, not nearly as fast, but handles quite well and is very comfortable. The Z is just pure silliness. They compliment each other very nicely.

[ryan roopnarine]

Cop on horse approaches a little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that ?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. '

"Next year, tell him to put a reflector on it" says the cop and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well,' says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse."

[winfred]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

He holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one."

[winfred]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!

[Ross]

A U.S. senator dies and his soul arrives in Heaven. The senator is greeted by St. Peter who is surpised to see a politician at the gate.
St. Peter calls "upstairs" for instructions suspecting the senators presence to be a mistake. He is told to offer the senator a trial day in hell as God feels the senator may be more comfortable there. After the day is up the senator is free to choose where to spend eternity.
St. Peter explains this to the senator and the senator agrees to visit hell for a day. He is escorted to the elevator.
The doors open to reveal a perfectly manicured fairway on a seaside golfcourse. The senators old cronies are all there. He is just in time to fill out a foursome. He shoots a great game and thoroughly enjoys himself reminiscing about the old days of graft and corruption on earth.
After golf they all retire to an oppulent clubhouse for cocktails, a gourmet meal followed by dancing into the wee hours with beautiful young women, cognac and cigars.
Soon he hears the voice of St. Peter calling him to return to Heaven.
He arrives in Heaven greeted by the most beautiful sunrise he has ever witnessed. The members of his family that have passed before greet him with loving embraces. The day is spent strolling through rolling pastures with family and meeting great people from the past. He finds he will eventually have an audience with the Lord himself.
Again he is beckoned by St. Peter. This time he is asked to make his choice.
"Well St Peter, Heaven has been great but perhaps hell would be more comfortable. All my old friends are there and we had a great time yesterday."
Once again he is escorted to the elevator. This time the door opens to a burning and barren landscape, reeking of feces and rotting flesh, filth raining from above. The same group is there only now wretched looking and moaning with pain.
The devil himself emerges from the group and approaches, putting an arm around the senator. What has happened? inquires the senator Yesterday was fabulous. Where are the golf course, the women, all the food and wine?
Yesterday we were campaigning... today, you voted.

[winfred]

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

[GJPinAU]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it !

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

[BigKriss]

heheheh, when was PC ever a part of this forum though :)


Well ...

[winfred]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

[GJPinAU]

The International Council of Man laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[winfred]

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

[winfred]

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women, and loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN !"

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart

[GJPinAU]

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day.

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in (Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* RTA Condoms: Speed kills

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

[winfred]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

[GJPinAU]

HANDLING A DIFFICULT CUSTOMER........

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasised his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

[Ross]

BMW condoms; The ultimate driving machine

[winfred]

An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

[winfred]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully.
Each is an artificial word with only one letter
altered to form a real word.
Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n .): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

[whiskychaser]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says,
'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !'

[winfred]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

[GJPinAU]

A young Territory man goes to a chemist shop and says to the pharmacist:

'I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?'



The pharmacist responds: 'A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.'


'TACKS!' the shocked territorian says. 'Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[winfred]

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you ****ing cunt!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's ****ing hilarious!

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an *******!"

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."