+++++++++++February joke thread+++++++++++++++

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain’s' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...


"OK, I give up. Where's the f #ckin' ship?"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.


01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
concieved at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected s3x With a,
man I met that night. I do remember that the s3x was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks
.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's ,dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right bythe'
country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

> She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
> wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in.
> As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to
> make love to me this very moment."
> His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
> going to be my lucky day."
>
> Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his
> all; right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her "T" shirt
> still around her neck.
>
> A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
>
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[winfred]

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $36.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Zeuk in Oz]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

[winfred]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

[GJPinAU]

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and
Sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy
behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it
is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently
Shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're
ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000,
but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620
miles fom here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"








"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

[winfred]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The '*******' is usually in charge!

[ryan roopnarine]

these aren't mine, they are from fark.com, from a story entitled "i'm 5'7", 270 lbs, why am I being told that I am obese?"

"Because you could comfortably wear a 10-year-old child as a belt?"

Q: "Why am I being told I am obese?"
A: "Because every time you walk into a French restaurant, they immediately yell, 'We surrender!'"

Q: "Why am I being told I am obese?"
A: "When I tapped your knee to check your reflexes, a 7-year-old boy fell out from the back side of your leg."

"YOU ARE NOT OBESE, YOU, PRIVATE PYLE, ARE A DISGUSTING FATBODY!"

A: "Because you show up on Google Maps."

"Because it would take you 3 trips to haul ass."

Because instead of a six pack, you have an industrial vat

A: "You're not. If you pulled your head out of the fridge, you'd notice that people are actually calling you 'fatass'."



my favorite

Q: "Why am I being told I am obese?"
A: "Because the National Guard painted an "H" on your back and helicopters tried to land on you."

[winfred]

my favorite, 6'2" 270 here and i am on the dennis leary diet, i gotta look down and be able to see my dick whenever i want



"Because it would take you 3 trips to haul ass"

[artguy]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY car eful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

[Ross]

What's the Dennis Leary diet? Cigarettes and booze?
Actually that works quite well.

[GJPinAU]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'


The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

[GJPinAU]

Celibacy

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
Factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened
To the instructor declare

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
Important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's
Favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self raising, isn't it?"



Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.*

[mikell]

A recent fire at Los Alamos has had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend.

Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element is known to exist.

This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years. The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, that are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass."

[whiskychaser]

Ok, its not a joke. But it doesnt matter how many times I watch it, it makes me laugh:D
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/sinking-p1.php

[whiskychaser]

Not a joke either but I think its funny:
http://www.randomjokes.co.za/picturejokes/40563_%5BContributed%20by%20BN%5DThese%20men%20are %20installing%20bollards%20to%20stop%20cars%20park ing%20on%20the%20pavement%20outside%20an%20Irish%2 0sports%20bar.htm

[winfred]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.



A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.



The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.



"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!



"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.



"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "****", the Rottweiler ate him!"

[attack eagle]

repost from 2-3 months ago.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

It takes a university degree to fly a plane but only an apprenticeship to fix one:
a reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an
S) By Maintenance Engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And Best Of All!!

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel; sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

A blonde walks into a bar and orders a beer.



The bartender says "Anheuser-Bush?












To which she replies, "fine, and hows your cock?

[RockJock]

Haha! ...... nice one doc! :D



A blonde walks into a bar and orders a beer.



The bartender says "Anheuser-Bush?












To which she replies, "fine, and hows your cock?

[attack eagle]

yall must pronounce it AN hows err instead of AN Hise err.

[mikell]

Literary license. . . sometimes you have to stretch to make things work out.

[attack eagle]

took me a few minutes for figure it out... :)

[Spice Boy]

I went to the doctors yesterday for a prostate exam, I'd never had one before and was worried.

"Not to worry," said the doctor, "just get undressed and hop on to the bed". A little nervous, I did so and I heard him snap some rubber gloves on. "Now I'm just going to put my hand on your shoulder as I push in", he said.

He held my shoulder and I felt him enter; it was unpleasant but not painful. It was only when I felt a hand on the other shoulder too that I fainted.

[Spice Boy]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously 'What ya doin dad?' His father quickly replied,

'I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.'

To which Little Johnny replied 'What ya gonna do, **** him?'

[Spice Boy]

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to get him a beer.

The bartender asks, "which one?"

The guy says "any one, as long as its not Carling."

The bartender then asks, "What's wrong with Carling?"

So the guy says, "Nothing, its just the last time I drank Carling I went home and blew chunks!"

So the bartender says, "That's what happens when you have too much beer"

So the guy says, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."

[Spice Boy]

Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup

[trumpetr]

Bought a race horse, and named him "My Face".
He's not very good, but imagine all the people in the stands yelling
"COME ON MY FACE!! COME ON MY FACE!"

[winfred]

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Guapo]

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Where's the joke?

[winfred]

that's the joke :D


Where's the joke?

[winfred]

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[Zeuk in Oz]

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my arse look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban...

1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

For the British!



A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 50pence

piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad

realises the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting

for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit

is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a

cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee

cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the

counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the

market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the

boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently

at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin,which

the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman

walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've

never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a

doctor?"



"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue".

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in
no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to
do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar.

He never did any of that shite"

[winfred]

Why athletes cannot hold real jobs

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then, line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton "

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin' )

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call y ou the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.


The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****

[winfred]

GRANDMA as a Senior Driver

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!