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winfred

05-02-2008, 11:12 PM

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

ironie

05-03-2008, 02:17 AM

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

M20Turbo

05-03-2008, 10:42 AM

The IRS decides to audit Bubba, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Bubba shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Bubba. 'How about a
demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Bubba says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Bubba removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Bubba says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye.'Now the auditor can tell Bubba isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Bubba
removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Bubba's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Bubba asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there is no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Bubba stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Bubba's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Bubba told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could
come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

525i winter driver

05-04-2008, 06:51 AM

Thor, the god of thunder, is really bored one day and decides to go down to planet earth incognito for a drink at his favourite bar. Of course the ladies can't resist, and before too long he is taken home by one of the local girls for a night of drink-inspired passion.

The next morning, Thor quickly realizes that alcohol affects a god's perception much in the same way as it does a human's - that is to say, the girl who looked great last night, doesn't look so great anymore, is missing some teeth, and maybe even smells a little funny. "Thith wath the betht thex, i never want anyone elth," she declares. Being the noble warrior that he is, he tails it back to Valhalla just as fast as his 5spd 540i will take him.

The other gods are shocked by his misfortune, nevertheless they agree that he has done this poor girl a great disservice and must return again to rectify the matter. "Thor, if this poor girl doesn't find out the truth about you, no mortal man will ever satisfy her." Reluctantly, he returns to earth, hoping to put this matter behind him as quickly as possible.

He doesn't have to look far, she is waiting for him at the same bar.

"Oooh, lover you've come back to me - I've been waiting for you!"

"Uhh, hi... uhhh, look I don't remember your name..."

"...Thuthan..."

"Uhhh, yeah... Susan, look, there's something you should know... "

blank stare....

"Uhhh... yeah... it's just that... ummm.... well... I'm a God."

pause...

"... I know that already, lover."

"No no no... I mean I really am a real God... I'm Thor!"

Susan suddenly gets very angry. "Ah good, she understands," he thinks.

"You think you're thor! I'm tho ****ing thor I can't even pith!"

gale

05-06-2008, 08:40 PM

AN ELECTRICAL THEORY TO REALLY GIVE SOME THOUGHT TO......

BY JOSEPH LUCAS

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the

transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral

manifestation known as "smoke".

Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be

true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it

stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the termina ls of a battery,

prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases

to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from

an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be

observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and

inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device

to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the

system, nothing works afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some

time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very

unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more

prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American

counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and

all things British leak. Briti sh engines leak oil, British shock absorbers,

hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air

and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once

again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the

form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical

components - especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: "A gentleman does not motor about after dark." Joseph Lucas

(1842-1903)

mikell

05-07-2008, 08:23 AM

New Car

I bought a new Lexus SC430 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant Georgia On My Mind, replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "A*s H*les!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and....Ted Kennedy on Scotch. Damn, I LOVE this car!

GJPinAU

05-07-2008, 07:56 PM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young brunette, (yes it's
not a blonde this time!) wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for the
bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed,she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large
Australian bloke standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Aussie smiled and said, "Well, Babe, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I thought we were more than
friends"!

GJPinAU

05-07-2008, 07:57 PM

10 signs you might be a Taliban

10. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a £1,500 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your clothes.

4. You've never been asked, “Does this burka make my arse look big?”

3. You’re amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, “I love what you've done with your cave.”

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean!

ironie

05-08-2008, 03:58 AM

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

ironie

05-08-2008, 04:02 AM

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

Ferret

05-08-2008, 07:32 AM

The difference between cats and dogs:

Excerpts from a Dogs Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

gale

05-08-2008, 09:52 PM

New Words for 2008

SALAD DODGER: An overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank andfile. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -needless paperwork and processes.

GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 NotFound" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

OH - NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wakeup, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.

BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

gale

05-08-2008, 09:58 PM

Redneck map of the US:

http://www.nmia.com/~dgnrg/redneckusamap.jpg

ironie

05-09-2008, 02:04 AM

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under
the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
-----curiosity got the best of her and she
lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and
$281,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there
even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner,
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I
am so sorry! For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into
the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave
in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very
disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted
to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad
considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So, why do you have all that money
in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash

winfred

05-09-2008, 12:25 PM

it's a vagina not a clown car (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080509/ap_on_re_us/18_kids;_ylt=AvvSSNogvdrq6zmKBh0aNWJH2ocA)

ironie

05-10-2008, 05:35 AM

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading

winfred

05-10-2008, 11:34 PM

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

mikell

05-13-2008, 10:35 AM

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a hair cut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Vote carefully this year.

Barney Paull-Edwards

05-14-2008, 11:51 AM

http://bl118w.blu118.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.187.103/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3da934631e-d361-4d10-b6c0-b3376d8bd6fc.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3daW1h Z2UwMDEuZ2lm%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFals e%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a002801c8b5dd%25241f659510%252 4df66310a%2540newLAPTOP&oneredir=1&ip=10.6.1.135&d=d1087&mf=0

whiskychaser

05-14-2008, 01:47 PM

whiskychaser

05-14-2008, 02:13 PM

[IMG]]
Er.. doesnt work for me:(

attack eagle

05-15-2008, 04:51 AM

Barney Paull-Edwards

05-15-2008, 07:43 AM

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf. Can I see her twot?" Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up spluttering and coughing.

"Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

Barney Paull-Edwards

05-16-2008, 04:03 PM

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

winfred

05-16-2008, 11:14 PM

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office for his annual physical. After the physical, the Doctor asked him to get some sperm for testing.. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back some semen tomorrow."
The Old Man went home and tried with his right and left hand with no results. The Old man than called his wife in to help him. She tried and tried with the same results.
The Wife then suggested they ask the Young/Pretty lady that lived next door. They both went next Door and asked the young girl, who said she would be happy to help. She also tried and tried with the same results.
The next day the 85-year-old man went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the young lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" to help you get Sperm.
The old man replied, No we asked her to help us open the damn Jar. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.

Barney Paull-Edwards

05-18-2008, 04:09 PM

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

ryan roopnarine

05-19-2008, 12:29 PM

http://slowwave.com/Img/s08/sWENcat.jpg

BMWDriver

05-19-2008, 06:50 PM

LMAO ! I can't find the usb ports nor the s-video on my cats... They are over 10 years old... pre-usb I guess !

winfred

05-20-2008, 09:12 PM

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

I'm voting for the Pilot !

Zeppa

05-20-2008, 09:21 PM

The best engine in the world is the pussy.

It takes any size piston , is self lubricating , starts with one finger and every 4 weeks does its own oil change.

You can eat it to warm it up and if you **** it , it still works ...... Its just a pity the management system is so ****ing tempermental !!!!!

Barney Paull-Edwards

05-23-2008, 12:51 PM

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceeding of a Jewish couple.When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, 'Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.'
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, 'You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris (Circumcision)''
She replies, 'Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick

mikell

05-29-2008, 08:22 AM

Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!'

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back..... wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit.

What seems to be the problem?'

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.'

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 127.'

Barney Paull-Edwards

05-30-2008, 12:19 PM

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"