$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$june joke thread$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve,
Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and
tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'"

[winfred]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

[repenttokyo]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender comes over and says, 'hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?'

And the grasshoppers looks up and says 'you've got a drink named Steve?'

[GJPinAU]

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Queensland mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Victorian mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Victorian mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Queensland mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New South Wales mouse. The New South Wales mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat!"

[GJPinAU]

Not a joke but very interesting.


Wow! This video is incredible! It's a hike up El Chorro in Spain. Be prepared to feel a bit uneasy in some parts. Why? The concrete paths, once quite good, are now in serious disrepair. Yet the hiker moves on, from time to time, doing a balancing act as he places one foot in front of the other, navigating narrow railway-like ties, all that remain of some parts of the paths.
And he makes a point of showing us the dizzying heights. One slip-up, and you would careen down thousands of meters, having time to think about your impending death. Apparently, El Chorro is one of the most famous rock climbing areas in Europe. With more than 650 bolted climbing routes in an area accessible on foot,
El Chorro is an "El Dorado" for climbers (or a "Whipsaw" for off-roaders).
Because of its location in southern Spain, rock climbing is possible throughout the winter, though it can sometimes be cold and the paths snow-covered. The routes are mostly hard climbs, which is why El Chorro attracts rock climbers from the whole world.


Watch this video in full-screen! It is really worth it.

http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1438490562

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

I think I'd rather climb Charo.

http://www.charo.info/

[winfred]

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're male.

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Beer contains female hormones.
> >
> > Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the
> > results of a
> > recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
> > hormones in beer.
> >
> > Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
> > The theory is
> > that beer contains female hormones (hops!! contain
> > phytoestrogens) and that
> > by drinking enough beer, men's character turn into that
> > of women.
> >
> > To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
> > within a 1 hour
> > period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
> > subjects:
> >
> >
> > 1) Argued over nothing.
> > 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
> > 3) Gained weight.
> > 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
> > 5) Became overly emotional.
> > 6) Couldn't drive.
> > 7) Failed to think rationally.
> > 8) Had to sit down while urinating.
> >
> > No further testing was considered necessary..

[GJPinAU]

Do the Mexican accent

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees


Ees


Eees a Ham Bush.

[winfred]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!'

[zhandax]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just ain't gonna be your day is it, cupcake..."

[ryan roopnarine]

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/6550/gastexas1998pr5.jpg

[winfred]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

[winfred]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

[winfred]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[winfred]

it's not often I need to buy condoms. That's one of the perks of being married and all. Plus cheaper car insurance, but I digress. I usually have to when my wife has to take antibiotics after being sick because it screws with the birth control and we don't need a spawn running around right now. Not that I wouldn't like a kid but we have to prepare ourselves because it can go one of two ways. Either we will have the most bad ass child in the known Universe, or it will be a supervillain. I'm cool with both outcomes but for now it's like Uncle Ben (not the black rice guy) said, "With great power comes timely abortions," or something to that effect.

At any rate, last week was in need of a baby batter barrier (alliteration is fun, kids) and after work I made the run. I went to Wal-Mart and we all know we go in there for one damn thing and end up spending thirty dollars on **** we absolutely need. Besides the main item on my mind I got to thinking, "Hey, the NBA is a bunch of fags and puts games on that run until midnight and I need to be alert so I don't drop a bulldozer blade on myself and cut off my pegs." So I wandered around until I found some of that 5 Hour Energy I've been hearing so much about. In case you are wondering, it does work. Don't be a hero and drink caffeine with it either because you will **** up your heart. Trust me.

Everyone knows that you can't leave Wal-Mart without checking out the DVDs in the bargain bins so I perused through the Bill and Teds, the Mars Attacks, etc. Then I remembered something. Something glorious. Rambo was now out on DVD. I raced to the new release section and secured my copy of the second greatest movie ever made and walked confidently to the electronics department check out headed up by Geek McNerdinstien.

I put down my stuff and had a quick run through to see if I needed anything else.

Condoms.

Energy drink.

Rambo.

Nope, I had it all covered. I moved to the credit card reader and read the screen.

"Did your cashier greet you today?"

Why no, actually. He hadn't. I was about to ask him why he didn't greet me when I looked up and noticed that the cashier was doing a full body silent laugh. It looked like he was having a happy seizure or something. About the time when he had tears forming I spoke up.

"Its ok, I know what you are thinking and yes. I am this awesome."

At that point he finally let it all out to the point where a teeny bopper bitch came over to see what was so funny. She glanced down at my supplies and shot me the dirtiest look this side of Martha Stewart's bitch face. I let her know just what I thought of her distaste for me.

"Lighten up, you uptight cunt. It's Rambo night at my house and I'll have you know that watching mother ****ers get blown to smithereens is quite romantic."

After that little outburst the cashier could hardly control himself while scanning my crap. When it was all said and done he wished me a good night. I just waved at him and shook my plastic bag of goodness and went on my way.

Later that night after watching First Blood II, III and Rambo my wife and I hid in the bushes and snapped unsuspecting passerby's necks.

Random acts of brutal violence makes for fine foreplay.

[winfred]

True Floridians Know...

1.. Socks are only for bowling.
2..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
3..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
4..Your winter coat is made of denim.
5..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
6..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
6..Anything under 70 is chilly.
7.You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
8..You could swim before you could read.
9..You have to drive north to get to The South.
10..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
11..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
12..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
13..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
14..You dread love bug season.
15..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list.
They aren't
Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley , Frances ,
Ivan and Jeanne.
16..You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
17..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
18..You were 12 before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
18..'Down South' means Key West
20..You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York .
21..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
22..Shoes are for business meetings and church,
23..but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
24..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
25..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
26..You smirk when a game show's 'Grand Prize' is a trip or cruise to Florida
27..You measure distance in minutes .
28..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
29..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
30..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
32. .You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
33..You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer
34..It's not soda, cola, or pop.
it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor:
'What kinda coke you want?'
35..Anything under 95 is just warm.
36..You've hosted a hurricane party.
37..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)
38..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
39..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
40..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than to own a boat yourself.
41..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, NASCAR, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.
42..You were five before you realized they made houses without pools.
43..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
44..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
45..You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba '.
46..You not only forward this joke to your friends but you understand it

[winfred]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the ****ing darts team hasn't"!

[pundit]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down".

[zhandax]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Oh my God!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.

The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[zhandax]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know", he said, "but the ****ing darts team hasn't"!

[Ferret]

UK types may like this:

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

...

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

[mikell]

An Italian in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Italian looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?'

The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Italian told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Irishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
'Is that Jesus over there?'

The waitress nodded, so the Irishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, 'My treat.'

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, 'Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that God's boy over there?'

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, 'On my bill.'

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Italian, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Italian felt the strength come back into his legs, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Irishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability.'

[gale]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is
a rip in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out
onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Damn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back
and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right
next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a
game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my f
lower
beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say,
'$20 or off it comes!' '

Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Ok, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'-

[winfred]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

[gale]

THE JOURNEY OF MAN:

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl
with big ****.

[winfred]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold
the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'