£££££££££££££££july Jokes$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish and several other languages, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

[GJPinAU]

And you think lawyers don't have hearts. The best lawyer story of all time bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer so a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[GJPinAU]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white!'

[GJPinAU]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[winfred]

Burial at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface,
gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

[winfred]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

[winfred]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

[ironie]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every
night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't
get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if
a woman could just hold it for a while. '

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the
garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual
meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What
does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied.....

'Parkinson's.'

[winfred]

A Ritchie County, West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard.'

[GJPinAU]

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... '**** happens'

[ryan roopnarine]

i've got no dog in this fight, either way. however, this picture probably gets very rare use so here it goes....

http://www.servut.us/mirror/kuvat/motivation/the%20rotary%20engine.jpg

[winfred]

I've often been asked, 'what do you old guys do now that you're retired?'
Well, I have a friend who hangs out with me. He has a chemical engineering background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, tequila, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it.

[ryan roopnarine]

http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n11/g00df311a/121206ShahNuclearPlants488-.jpg

[winfred]

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

[gale]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, appears to kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.' His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

[Ross]

i've got no dog in this fight, either way. however, this picture probably gets very rare use so here it goes....

http://www.servut.us/mirror/kuvat/motivation/the%20rotary%20engine.jpg

A 13B I believe, same as here;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKXaCOj_p28

Tougher than communism I'd say

[whiskychaser]

A 13B I believe, same as here;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKXaCOj_p28

Tougher than communism I'd say

Its a great design. Redline any motor with no coolant and IMHO you need to be slapped. A lot :D

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

A 13B I believe, same as here;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKXaCOj_p28

Tougher than communism I'd say

Looked like the intial problem was a failed oil seal on the rotor, not a blown rotor....could've been fixed.

I used to race these, very tough motors as long as you never over heat or run 'em the without oil.


10A 12A or 13B ? only way to tell is the width or the rotor and housing, but this one looks like it's been ported out a bit.

[Ross]

Back in the early seventies I worked for Mazda. It was a good outfit and the cars were at least as good as anything Japan or the US had at that point.
They were REALLY thirsty then and the oil embargos hurt them badly. Mazda was the first manufacturer to start offering rebates because of it.
What did you race? The land speed record RX3 was once at our distribution center in preparation for the Chicago auto show. The zone service manager took it for a blast on the street, talk about loud.
I drove my RX2 from Nashville to Chicago in 6 1/2 hours using a snow brush(google it Bob)for cruise control holding the gas pedal to the floor. The tachs in those days had a buzzer at 7k, listened to that #$#%&$ for hours and it never fazed the car.

[ryan roopnarine]

i'm not trying to tie up the joke thread but that gets posted in threads about how sucky the new motor in the rx-8 is. I don't know rotaries so I couldn't identify if it was a new generation motor or not. Just a unique jpeg.

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

Rx-8 is a pig, way too heavy

1st generation Rx-7s were nice and light

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

Back in the early seventies I worked for Mazda. It was a good outfit and the cars were at least as good as anything Japan or the US had at that point.
They were REALLY thirsty then and the oil embargos hurt them badly. Mazda was the first manufacturer to start offering rebates because of it.
What did you race? The land speed record RX3 was once at our distribution center in preparation for the Chicago auto show. The zone service manager took it for a blast on the street, talk about loud.
I drove my RX2 from Nashville to Chicago in 6 1/2 hours using a snow brush(google it Bob)for cruise control holding the gas pedal to the floor. The tachs in those days had a buzzer at 7k, listened to that #$#%&$ for hours and it never fazed the car.

I had Rx2, Rx3 and 1st generation Rx7s, Lots of modifcations and crazy stuff

[winfred]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[winfred]

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one flash & it's gone. ha)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[filmy540i/6]

Re: the above Churchill quotes, I was reminded of one of my favorites. Was it attributed to Lady Astor as well? No idea, but...

Scene: some social event.
Snooty female luminary: "Mr. Churchill you are drunk!"
Mr. Churchill's response: "And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."

Touche', Winston :)

[winfred]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

[winfred]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

You got to love George!

[Ross]

Two Radical Arabs boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in for the flight when the Arab in the window seat said, "Excuse me, I need to get up and get a Coke."

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our Nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[winfred]

Yo momma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.

Yo momma's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.

Yo momma's so big, she roller-skates on busses.

Yo momma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.

Yo momma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.

Yo momma's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.

Yo momma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.

Yo momma's so big, she whistles bass.

Yo momma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.

Yo momma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo momma's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.

Yo momma's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!

Yo momma's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.

Yo momma's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.

[winfred]

first batch was better but theres some good ones in this one

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat, when we played hide and seek I spotted her behind the Himalayas

Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat, the whale from Free Willy freed her

Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat, when she bends over we miss 2 days of sunlight

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house the tires pop.

Yo momma's so fat, she don't know whether she's walking or rolling.

Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat, when she farts the whole planet came out.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat, her car is made of spandex.

Yo momma's so fat, we're inside her right now.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.

Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat, if she were an aeroplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.

Yo momma's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.

Yo momma's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts.

Yo momma's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees.

Yo momma's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help.

Yo mama' so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.

Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat, when she works at the movie theatre, she works as the screen.

Yo momma's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:

"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo momma's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.

Yo momma's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.

Yo momma's so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo momma's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

[attack eagle]

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/v/C/2/berlin-rally.jpg


Obamaism of the week: "Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel's. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under a McCain...administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change." --Sen. Barack Obama, speaking to reporters in Amman, Jordan

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He's like a rock star over there. It's impressive until you realize that David Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, did you see Barack Obama playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Iraq and Afghanistan share a common border, that’s what he was saying. Mistakenly said that Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border, and I thought, well, no wonder we can't find Osama Bin Laden -- we've been searching an imaginary border." --David Letterman


At a campaign event in Oregon, Barack Obama says, "I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws

[attack eagle]

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

[attack eagle]

Two Tough Questions

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

-------------------------------------------------------




































Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

[attack eagle]

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

[winfred]

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves for your car.

Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."

Yo momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo momma's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.

Yo momma's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.

Yo momma's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.

Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Delta a Airlines was a sorority.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo momma's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo momma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo momma's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.

Yo momma's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.

Yo momma's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the bitch since.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass.

Yo momma's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.

Yo momma's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater.

Yo momma's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a ****.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.

Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home

[attack eagle]

yo mamma's so out of touch she don't know yo mamma jokes haven't been funny since the years started with 1990.

[ryan roopnarine]

So, A Pirate Walks Into a Bar......
The bartender asks "Hey, why do you have a steering wheel on your dick?"
The Pirate says "Aarg!!. Cause it drives me nuts."

Why did the pirate take some vacation time?
For some Arrrrrr and Arrrrrr.

A pirate ship is preparing to attack a small sea-side village.
The Captain says to his first mate, "Quick, get me my red shirt"
And the first mate asks him "Why Captain?"
The Captain says, "So that none of the men will see me bleed."
As they near the shore, the Captain sees three British ships, cannon's at the ready, sailing right for them, he turns to the first mate and says, "Quick, get me my brown pants."

How much does pirate corn cost?
a buck an ear

What's a pirate's favorite sport?
Nascarrrrrrr

Where do pirates get fast food from?
Arrrrrbys. (or alternatively, Long John Silver's)

Little Billy had a cleft pallet.
One Halloween, he dressed up as Long John Silver and went trick or treating.
At Mr. Smith's house, he rang the bell and exclaimed "Brick or Breet!"
Mr. Smith said "Billy! What a great costume....I see your big boots, and your sword, and your eyepatch, and your skull & crossbones hat...tell me what you are, Billy?"
Billy said "I'm a Bye-Rat".
Mr. Smith said smiling, "A Pirate, eh? Well, Billy, where are your Buccaneers?"
Pointing to the side of his head Billy grumbled "My buccaneers are right here, *******, where are your buccan-eyes?"

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrrrrr!

[winfred]

yea but a whole generation has been born since then and may be unaware of the pathetic thing that is the yo mama's so.... :D


yo mamma's so out of touch she don't know yo mamma jokes haven't been funny since the years started with 1990.

[winfred]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Omega]

A man drags his 11 year old step daughter into a Phamacy

"We need to get a morning after pill for her"
"Gosh" says the doctor, "Is she sexually active?"
"No" replies the man "She just lies there, weeping like her mother"

[ironie]

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..

[ironie]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"