= = = = = = = = = = = = = = October Joke Thread = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

[gale]

Better than a Flu Shot:

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the
better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer said. "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too. I'm also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilised eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes widened and he exclaimed, "Good heavens! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my licence! They'll throw you in jail! They'll throw both of us in jail!! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Ah, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[gale]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra. 'Can I have 6 tablets,
cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist but a quarter tablet will not
give you a full erection '

'I am 96,' said the old man.

'I don't want an erection.

I just want it sticking out far enough

so that I don't piss on my slippers.'

[GJPinAU]

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become
Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Good Year and become MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name
Titty Titty Bang Bang.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

[GJPinAU]

Dear Sirs,



In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the
moment, I was wondering if you could advise me... if one of my cheques is
returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to
me or to you?

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

There was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all of his money. But he was a real miser.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want to take my money with me to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him faithfully that, when he died, she would put all of his money into his coffin with him.

Well, he died and was laid out in his coffin. His wife, dressed in black, was sitting beside him, and her oldest friend was sitting next to her. When the funeral ceremony ended, as the undertakers approached to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her. She leaned over and gently put the box into the coffin. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.


Her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him???"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I transferred his savings into my account, and wrote him a cheque for the lot.... If he can cash it, then it's his to spend."

[GJPinAU]

Stock market quote of the week.......

"This is worse than a divorce...I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife"

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand-new Porsche appears, and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans & a Cartier watch, steps out and asks the shepherd: ‘If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?’
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says ‘Okay’.
The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high-tech mini-printer. She studies the report and says to the shepherd: ‘You have 1,586 sheep’.
The shepherd replies: ‘That’s correct. You can have the pick of my flock’.
The woman packs away her equipment, looks at the flock and puts one in the boot of her Porsche. As she is about to leave the shepherd says: ‘If I can guess your profession, will you return the animal to me?’ The woman thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says: ‘You are an I.T. manager’. ‘Correct’, responds the woman, ‘but how did you know?’
The shepherd replies: ‘Simple. First, you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. Third, you don’t understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway. Now, can I have my dog back?

[filip00]

this is how you're supposed to hold in a tram if it's crowdy:

http://www.imagesforme.com/out.php/i195114_fk023.jpg

[632 Regal]

this is how to hold your ass if your a pole... wish i was a pole.

http://www.imagesforme.com/out.php/i195114_fk023.jpg[/quote]

[mikell]

New stock market terms:
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[winfred]

Beethoven Symphonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"