%%%%%%%%%%%%november joke thread%%%%%%%%%%%%%5

[winfred]

A PERFECT DAY

For a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants....open presents--expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from "secret admirer"
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk; says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower---alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

For a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and eggs, coffee, toast. All cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2 under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport; several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with nude, all-female crew who all bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
6:45 ****, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of ****
9:30 Sex with three women, all of whom have lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[e34.535i.sport]

LOL! I like it. :D

[GJPinAU]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[GJPinAU]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[winfred]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.' 'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, ' every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.' 'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

[winfred]

Things to Know:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[mikell]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

[GJPinAU]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.

[GJPinAU]

A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Australian from the east.

The bartender says, "Yor nut frum arund hier, are you?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "Whut do you do un Cunuda?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A texidumust? Whut duz a texidumust do? Do you drive a texi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. Hu'z one uv us."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co – worker standing at the coffee machine,
Inhales a big breath of air and tells her
“Your hair smells nice.”
After a week of this she went to see Personnel
And puts in a sexual harassment complaint in against him.
The Personnel manager said
“What’s wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?”
She Said “Its Keith the F++king Dwarf!!!!”

[gale]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and
says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

I recognize her, she's the waitress form the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bob. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time.'


BOB'S FUNERAL WILL BE ON FRIDAY!!!

[GJPinAU]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. '


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'

[ryan roopnarine]

http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa187/manos77035/JackBauerkitten.jpg

[Ross]

Subject: FW: Happy Thanksgiving to all!



A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In
desperation, John threw up his hands, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[gale]

How To Cook A Thanksgiving Turkey

Step 1: Go Buy A Turkey
Step 2: Take A Drink Of Whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put Turkey In The Oven
Step 4: Take Another 2 Drinks Of Whiskey
Step 5: Set The Degree At 375 Ovens
Step 6: Take 3 More Whiskeys Of Drink
Step 7: Turn Oven The On
Step 8: Take 4 Whisks Of Drinky
Step 9: Turk The Bastey
Step 10: Whiskey Another Bottle Of Get
Step 11: Stick A Turkey In The Thermometer
Step 12: Glass Yourself A Pour Of Whiskey
Step 13: Bake The Whiskey For Hours
Step 14: Test The Lurkey For Numbness
Step 15: Take The Oven Out Of The Lurkey
Step 16: Floor The Lurkey Up Off Of The Pick
Step 17: Turk The Carvey
Step 18: Get Yourself Nuther Scottle Of Botch
Step 19: Tet The Sable And Pour Yourself A Glass Of Turkey
Step 20: Bless The Saying, Pass And Eat Out