~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~february joke thread ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[winfred]

Once a MARINE always a MARINE On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said;

" Mission Accomplished."

[GJPinAU]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!

[Ross]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will
teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get
him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs
out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach
the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and
talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing'
around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become
the Governor of Illinois.

[Renman]

BB Kings Birthday Gift:
BB King's wife is talking with her girlfriend and asks, "what can I possibly get BB for his upcoming Birthday, he already has everything he could ever want"! The girlfriend replies, "I've got it! Have his initials tatooed onto your ass, he will absolutely love it, trust me"!
So BB King's wife goes off to the tattoo parlor.
The following day on BB King's Birthday his wife says, "BB, I have a little something for you for your Birthday dear". BB replies, "You shouldn't have baby, I'm so blessed already, I have everything a man could ever want"!
At that moment BB's wife drops her skirt and bends over to show him those big luscious butt cheeks. BB stares for a moment and then exclaims, "Who the hell is BOB"!!!!

[GJPinAU]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[GJPinAU]

Three kids fishing....
Kevin Rudd (Australian Prime Minister - fence post turtle) was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll
take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.' Kevin said, 'I'll
get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!'

[Ross]

The boss needed to fire somebody and had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went directly to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, Ive never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. " I feel like ****".

[ryan roopnarine]

A Blonde was weed-eating her yard
and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat,
along with the tail over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?



WALMART is the largest
RETAILER in the world!!!

[califblue]

Before and after marriage...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage....


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!



After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

[califblue]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep, Ralph.

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too
much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're
the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me
you've never laid an egg before?'

' Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,'
says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of
his head, and heard his wife yell.....

*'Ralph! Wake up! You **** the bed!'*

[Ross]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Old Biker are all
walking together one day.


They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.


'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',


says the Genie.


The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada '


POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians


can come into our precious land..'


POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.


The Biker says, 'I am very curious.


Please tell me more about this wall.'


The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick
and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;


it's virtually impenetrable.'


The Biker sits down on his Harley
, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,


smiles and says,


'Fill it with water.'

[gale]

Two Golfers:

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that
he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, that it
appears we're about evenly matched, how about playing for five Euros a
hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed
to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his 80.00
Euros, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a Galway course
and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the
local Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "Ye won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Tis there anything I can do to make it up to you Father?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll
marry them."

[winfred]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[ryan roopnarine]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[Herb]

A little girl comes home and says to her mother, "The little boy next door has a dick like a peanut!"

The mother asks, "Why, is it small?"

Little girl says, "No its salty!"

[ryan roopnarine]

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/franksymptoms/Funny%20stuff/hazardous.jpg