((((((((((((((((((same chit joke different month))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[winfred]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"

"You're in the team for Tuesday."

[whiskychaser]

Not a joke but I thought it was hilarious. Silver Merc with registration number R8 CNT. He may well be but you'd think the owner wouldnt want to advertise it:D

[Ross]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
wan! t to se e

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[GJPinAU]

Hemi, the Maori builder, was going through a house he had just
built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what
colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and
she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next
room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next
room was to be tan ...

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked
him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell
green side up; what is that for?'

The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple
of Aussies laying the turf out front.'

[GJPinAU]

Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK tour.

They are; Joe (aged 5), Bob (aged 4), Dave (aged 5), Colin (aged 6) and Andy (aged 4)

[M20Turbo]

Shopping at Wal-Mart



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd
better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot
cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it
to Wal-Mart..

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot
and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be
fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits
the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[GJPinAU]

Polydesmid millipedes make up the largest group of millipedes with 2,700 known species worldwide. They range in size from less than 1 cm up to 12 cm and adults have between 18 and 21 segments. Each segment contains two pairs of legs and wing-like projections, giving them a hairy, flattened appearance. They have many pores along their body that produce hydrocyanide, formic acid and other irritants used for defence. Most species release the liquid slowly, but some can discharge it as a spray.


Please remember this when stepping on these little ****ers...

[GJPinAU]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows..
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Elekta]

A Republican walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Isn't that Jesus over there?" When the bartender said "Yes," the Republican sent over a drink. "Put it on my tab," he said.

A little later a Libertarian walked in. "Say," he said, "Isn't that Jesus sitting over there?" The barman said, "Yes," so the Libertarian sent over a hamburger.

Presently a Democrat showed up, noticed Jesus and sent over a plate of french fries.

Jesus soon left. On his way out he stopped to talk to the Republican. "Thanks for the drink," he said; "It was really good. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well," said the Republican, "I'm facing knee surgery..." "Don't say another word," said Jesus as he laid a hand on the man's knee. "You are healed."

Jesus came to the Libertarian and said, "Thanks for the hamburger. It was really good. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well," said the Libertarian, "I have cataracts..." Jesus placed his fingers on the man's eyes and said, "You are healed."

Finally, Jesus came to the Democrat. He thanked him for the fries and offered him any help he needed. "Don't touch me!" shouted the Democrat, "I'm on Disability!!"

[gale]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn..

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...... ......... ............ .......... .......... .

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[GJPinAU]

PM Kevin Rudd is talking to 3 armed forces personnel; 1 from each of his fighting forces.

He asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on deployment?

The Army Sergeant says, "I'd reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!"

The Navy PO says, "I'd reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !"

The RAAF Sergeant says, "I'd reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask
who the f*** has put a tent up in my hotel room?"

[gale]

Why men don't write advice columns:

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's
daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We
have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him.. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He
won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.


Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter

[BMWDriver]

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.