*0*0*0*0*0 April Joke Thread 0*0*0*0*0*

[632 Regal]

Heh :D

http://www.thebailoutgame.us/

2874 and a lot of vacant land

17138 and #614

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

Heh :D

http://www.thebailoutgame.us/

2874 and a lot of vacant land

F um, I bailed no one out

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

OMFG WTF????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l12Csc_lW0Q

As an American, I am going for a preemptive tactical nuclear strike on this country of zombies.

[GJPinAU]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked him if it would be alright if he could use one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should Dad; they're very strong
And rather expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"

[winfred]

Little Johnny had just come back to school from his summer break and the teacher was asking all of the kids to stand up and tell the class what they had done in their holidays. When it came to the turn of Johnny he stood up and told the teacher " Well M'am I went down the woods with my mates, found some frogs and stuck fireworks up their ASSES". Horrified, the teacher replied " You mean RECTUM". Johnny was surprised and paused for a moment "WRECKD'EM? ****ing blew 'em to pieces!"

[Kibokojoe]

This is hysterical

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWTCIpT1j7U

[gale]

Three ironworkers on the top level of a skyscraper, one Irishman, one Mexican, and one Southern redneck.

They take a lunchbreak & the Irishman says "corned beef and cabbage again? if she packs me this same lunch again I'm jumping off the building!"

The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says "burritos again, if she packs burritos one more time I'm jumping off the building!"

The redneck opens his lunchbox "bologna sandwiches again, if I have them one more time I'm jumping off the building!"

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch, finds corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, finds burritos, and jumps to his death.

The redneck opens his lunch, finds bologna sandwiches, and jumps to his death.

The 3 grieving widows gathered after the funeral. The Irishman's wife said "if only I'd known he didn't like his lunch, I'd pack him something different every day."

The Mexican's wife said "if only I'd known he didn't like burritos I'd give him tacos and enchiladas and taquitos."

The redneck's wife said "he packs his own lunch!"

[mikell]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[GJPinAU]

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...

He said no but he had told a donkey to **** off once.

[GJPinAU]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath
he asked, 'Please, may I hide under
your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later, two
Military Police ran up and asked, Sister,
have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.
'After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude,
but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a
little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....
I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[Kibokojoe]

Now that's funny

[califblue]

love at age 10:
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny .'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Went to my local COSTCO to buy a large bag of Purina dog chow for Fritz, our Dog. In the checkout line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm a wise arse, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. Added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, after losing 50 pounds and awakening in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.



(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[GJPinAU]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their
boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the ****in’h boat"

[632 Regal]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFjFiQTSPes

[tim eh?]

haha if you thought that up on the spot I am impressed!

If I worked at cosco I'd be happy to have you back - haha 'do you have a dog?'

Once I warned a ride-seeker that I smoked.

...long pause.... 'in the car?'

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

haha if you thought that up on the spot I am impressed!

If I worked at cosco I'd be happy to have you back - haha 'do you have a dog?'

Once I warned a ride-seeker that I smoked.

...long pause.... 'in the car?'

Not my first problem at Costco, I also yell "Feeding Frenzy" and make Cow (Mooo Moo) sounds when herds of people abandon their carts in the middle of the isle and flock for a free sample of a microwave burrito.

[whiskychaser]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their
boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the ****in’h boat"
Thats classic:D
Paddy goes to garage to buy a car but only has £20.
Garage owner says 'I've got a car for £20 - but its got no doors'
Paddy says ' Well how do I get in it if its got no doors?'

Its the way you tell 'em