*~*~*~*~*~July Joke Thread~*~*~*~*~*

[632 Regal]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy
didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He
asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[GJPinAU]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts
Slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,puts her
coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office'

[bimmerred535i]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts
Slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,puts her
coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office'


:D So true haha

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack the pace car.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run..

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...


# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

[whiskychaser]

Vale? I didnt know we had any latin scholars on the board. Those who have studied it may find this easy amusing:
Brutus adarat forte
Caesar adaram
Brutus sicin homnibus
Caesar sicin tram

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops by a toy shop and asks the sales perrson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?* We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for=$19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

[gale]

Top ten things a man would do if he woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if he could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross his legs without rearranging his junk.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned G-spot

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.


They manage to swim to a Small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



































So, they buried Susie

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

The Journey of a Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotiona l. Everything was an em ergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.













I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ****.

[ryan roopnarine]

the old joke...

British soldier going thru basic training, when it comes time to issue him a rifle there are no rifles left. So the supply sarge gives the recruit a broom stick, and tells him to hold it up to his shoulder and yell BANG BANG. So brave young recruit goes to get his issue bayonet and again they are out, so the supply sarge ties a small wooden rod to the recruit's broom stick. He tells the recruit to push the broom stick forward, and yell STICK, STICK.

So young British lad goes to war and is facing an enemy charge for the first time. He holds his broom stick up and shouts BANG. An enemy soldier falls. The lad is impressed so he yells BANG again and another enemy drops. So the lad is shouting BANG BANG just as loud and as fast as he can, until he sees an enemy soldier headed right for him. The lad aims straight at the enemy and yells BANG BANG BANG. The enemy soldier keeps on coming and is within feet of the lad. So the lad takes his broom stick and ties on the small wooden rod and starts yelling STICK STICK STICK.

The enemy soldier keeps coming non-stop, knocks the lad over, and walks across his chest saying, TANK TANK TANK....

http://www.ar15.com/images/pixels/clear.gif

[whiskychaser]

Young lad comes home from school pleased with himself:
Son: Hey dad! I got a part in the school play!!! I get to be a man who has been married for 25 years!!!
Dad: Never mind son. You might get a speaking part next time

[KurtM]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

Three couples
wanted to join a church…




Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and
a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, “We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for
two weeks.”


The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?” The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church.” said the pastor.


The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, “Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The man replied, “The
first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a
couple of nights but, yes we made it.” Congratulations! Welcome to the church.”
said the pastor.


The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks,
‘Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?” “Well Pastor, we
were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, “the young man replied.” What
happened?” inquired the pastor.” My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the
top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and took advantage of her right there.”
*“You understand of course, this means you will not be
welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.”







That’s OK.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at
Safeway anymore, either."