new joke thread :D

[rickm]

2 Cajun funnies

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux fishing

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were fishing in a boat under a bridge.

Boudreaux looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and Boudreaux puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

Thibodeaux says, "Mais, Boudreaux, dat sure was touching, I didn't know you had it in you".

Boudreaux says, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do, after all , I was married to her for 40 years".

==
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux boat for sale

Boudreaux was driving by Thibodeaux's house when he saw a sign that said "boat 4 sale". He pulled into Thibodeaux's driveway and knocked on his door.

"Thibodeaux, we've been friends for years now. You never told me you had no boat!" said Boudreaux.

"I don't got no boat chere" said Thibodeaux.

"Then what's with the sign, it says "Boat 4 sale"" said Boudreaux.

"Follow me" said Thibodeaux. They walked around to the back of the house.

"See that 1972 Nova?" said Thibodeaux.

"Yeah" said Boudreaux.

"See that 1978 Dodge van?" said Thibodeaux.

"Yeah" said Boudreaux.

"Dey both for sale" said Thibodeaux.

==

[rickm]

A vampire moved to Italy and on the first night went out looking for his days supply of blood.

He found a good spot behind a tree by a bridge near a university.

A young Italian lass walked by, he grabbed her, sank his teeth into her neck, drained all of her blood and threw her body over the side of the bridge.

The next night he went to the same spot and a young Italian male student walked by. He grabbed him, sank his teeth into his neck, drained all of his blood and then threw the body over the side of the bridge.

The following night just after throwing another young Italian lass over the side of the bridge he realized that something was wrong. He never heard the body hit the water.

He looked over the side of the bridge and there he saw an alligator on the bank of the river.

It was licking it's lips and singing: "Drained WOPS keep falling on my head"

[winfred]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[GJPinAU]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.
Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

[632 Regal]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I'm sorry, I
cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The
florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open up, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a thank you card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the
shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[winfred]

This guy has been a fornicator and a villain all his life, but he decides he has got to mend his ways. So he decides to take up the monastic life. He goes to this monestry and is told the head monk will interview him to make sure his motives are right and that he is sure this is really what he wants to do. So they talk and discuss and the guy nods and seems to be giving all the right answers and he's happy with what it will mean to him. The conversation is just coming to an end and the head monk asks the man has he any questions that he now feels he needs to specifically ask. 'Well', he says, 'There is one thing bothering me father' 'Yes my son' says the father 'Well as i told you I am a fornicator and well I know I'd miss that relief of sexual tension and I just wonder how you lot manage' 'Ah yes, I was wondering when we'd get around to that', said the father. 'Well my son, we have this room, and in this room we have this barrell, and in this barrel there are a number of holes, and my son, on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, you would be allowed to relief your tension by making use of the facilities of the holes in this barrell' 'Ah', said the guy, thinking. 'But father, you said Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, um, what happens on Wednesday father?' 'Well my son, on Wednesday it would be your turn in the barrell'

[winfred]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."

[632 Regal]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."

[winfred]

One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight dear. I have a headache." The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love. "I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" "These are the pallbearers for your dead pussy."

[GJPinAU]

THE POWER OF OBSERVATION


Sherlock Holmes and Mr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn in Leo.

Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Is that all? Holmes asked.

"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?"

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you Dickhead. Someone has stolen the tent!"

[winfred]

i love it

[winfred]

A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside andshe greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again answers "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank God It's Friday. Get it, - duuhhh?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Unregistered]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR. She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells
nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf.

[Brian C.]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No. What do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man. " It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card.

You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

:p

[GJPinAU]

TOO SMART

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[winfred]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

[winfred]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!". "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!". She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" . "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask . It's her husband! He looks at her with a smile on face and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[GJPinAU]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either".

[winfred]

Three men died suddenly on Christmas Eve and were met at the pearly gates by none other than Saint Peter.

"In honor of this holy season you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to enter into Heaven," Saint Peter tells the gentlemen.

The first man fumbles through his pockets and produces a cigarette lighter. "It represents a candle," he tells Saint Peter.

He is granted entry.

The second man reaches into his trousers and jingles his keys. "They're bells," he explains.

He is granted entry.

The third man searches desperately through his pockets and pulls out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looks at the gentleman with a raised eyebrow and asks, "And just what does that symbolize?"

"They're Carols" the man explains.

[GJPinAU]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road and
a cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

[GJPinAU]

This just appeals to my sense of humour.

[winfred]

lmfao


This just appeals to my sense of humour.

[winfred]

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

[winfred]

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted for 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[GJPinAU]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I no come work today, I real sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt. I no come work."

The boss says "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feeling great, be at work soon. You got nice house."