Jokes 11/17

[632 Regal]

Wild Jamaican Sex

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married
couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals
I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and

tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the
blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over
a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

[winfred]

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance. The acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to say to me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
"Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary...."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really...."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[632 Regal]

Steelers vs Browns (http://users.spii.net/n8ghz/)

[winfred]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and
then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong

[GJPinAU]

for blondes.

[winfred]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[632 Regal]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a
Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in
enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the
machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare
hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking

[winfred]

always liked that one

[winfred]

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen

[winfred]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

[winfred]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.