**********May Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had
Saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it
Came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the
Casket with me. I want to take my money to the
Afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her
Heart that when he died she would put all of the money
In the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
Sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting
Next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the
Undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife
Said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and
Put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
Rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
Enough to put all that money in there with your
Husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I
Can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was
Going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
With him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together,
Put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he
Can cash it, he can spend it."

[winfred]

Life is already hard. Try being stupid once...
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

SEVEN: Police in Radnor, Pa , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

EIGHT: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I ju st gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!


Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid

[winfred]

The setting is Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth," where I had joined a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying something approaching $48 each to get in, we wanted to conserve what little was left of our cash for important things like rubber lizards and the air hockey tables, so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch rather than fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants. Lunch consisted of one of those burritos in a plastic bag, and a can of Coke. I could go into great detail here, but why bother. You know precisely what I'm getting at here: intestinal gas. Funny thing is, lunch didn't seem to give me any problem. I don't think I farted once the whole afternoon. More junk food was consumed. Many violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know what my bowels had in store.

So late in the afternoon we step in line for the Jungle Cruise ride (you'll also find rubber lizards for sale in this area). The lines at Disneyland are densely packed in a serpentine configuration such that it's pretty much impossible to bail out from the middle. As I shuffle around a bend deep into the line, I notice there's a little girl right behind me who it would seem has been genetically engineered to be just the height that would place her nose precisely in line for problems. "Wouldn't it be funny," I think to myself, "if I had to fart right now?" We continue shuffling through the densely-packed line, and just as we come to the exact center of the line, with the small, innocent child mere inches away and at least 20 feet of human bodies in all directions and nowhere to run, I did just that. I passed gas. However, this was no ordinary flatus. Nothing like this has crept from my bowels before or since. This was ... a doomsday fart.

You know the expression, "silent but deadly"? You couldn't have heard this one with a stethoscope, but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the thermal band. It was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond. The oil fires of Kuwait couldn't hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl? Child's play! Weather patters were disrupted. LAX was "fogged in." The world knew a new evil on this day. A voluminous, hot, humid, painfully burning fart that makes the greenhose effect look like a pleasant alternative. It probably knocked down a couple local trailer parks just for good measure. I farted only once on this day, but it was more than most people will manage in a lifetime.

The line started moving. I did not look back, for fear that I might see a live action replay of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where people were melting and shriveling up (or would it be more like the ash bodies in Terminator 2?). We go around one of the bends in the line, headed back toward The Mushroom Cloud. My friends both choke, look back at me, and give the best glare they can manage with their eyes watering like that. I've just got this big grin on my face. They do not need to ask where "It" came from (brave souls, these folks - they still joined me on the submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself, I get a glimpse of what's left of the small child behind me. Her face is scrunched in pain, her hands violently waving the air in front of her. I don't think she needs to ask either. Except for the complete depilatation, it's nothing a good plastic surgeon can't fix.

[632 Regal]

Lmfao!!!

[Barry]

W,Thanks for a great belly crunching laugh.....It carried on for the duration of the read...and I farted..
Personally I find a fart the most amusing thing ,period..people are so stuck up bout gas..

[Rustam]

EH??? Whaddya mean by 'old bastards', sonny? Dont let the grey hair fool ya. Old age and treachery, will always overcome youth and skill. hehehe

i think "skill" should be on the other side as well...

[632 Regal]

A Horse, a Chicken & a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and

began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he

had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the

chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in

the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping

he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a

hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying

the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken

then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,

rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the

farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down

thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.



The moral of the story? ...... (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks!"

[632 Regal]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be.

[632 Regal]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,



Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me

housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free education!"



The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".



The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having

such a beautiful country here in America!"



The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."



The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"



That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not

an American!"



He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"



She says, "No, I am from Russia!"



Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"



The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"

[trumpetr]

A hairlip midget wanted to buy a horse, and one day he saw an ad in the paper, and he answered it.
"Mithter, are you the one that hath a horth for thale?"
The owner says,,,,well, yes.
"Ith it a mare?"
"yes,,it is a mare"

So,,the hairlip midget gets directions to come out and look at the horse.
He gets there,,,,,
"Ohhhh, Jeesssussf,,,thats a nicce looking horth,,,,thay,,,can I look at her eyeth?"
The owners says sure,,,,,
"Well,,im kinda short,,,can you boosft me up"
The ownerlifts the midget up,,,,,,"Thqay,,,,those are sthure pretty eyes,,,,yep,,,shes a healthy horth.
Say,,,can i look at her teeth??
so,,the owner has to pick the midget up to look at her teeth.
"Yetheriee,,,shes got nice teeth."
The owner sets the midget back down.
The midget says,,,"thay,,,can i thee her twat."
The owner,,, a bit pissed off,,,says,,,"you want to see her twat,,,by god, I'll show you her twat."
With that,,,he pickes up the midget,,and shoves his head up the horses hey-hey, then sets the midget back down.

The midget,,,says,,,while sputtering and spitting,,,,,,,"No,,,you mithunderthood me,,,let me rephrathse that,,,,,,,,can I thee the horth RUN?"


no,,that aint right,,,Lord, i apologize,,,,and be with the starving pygmies down in new guinea, amen.