**********July Joke Thread***********

[632 Regal]

A woman visited a psychic of her town.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her,
the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There's no easy way to say this
so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent & horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, & asked,...

"Will I get away with it?"

[632 Regal]

Sooo baaad..........

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean
when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our
engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to
make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It
will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you
can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We
just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will
now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and
will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be
fair, we will do this in alphabetical order.

'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise
your hands."

Well, hearing! this, the little black boy started to raise his
hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine,
let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."

Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll
move on to C. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."

The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father
pushes it down and tells him no.

"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we
are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"

His father says, "No son, today, we're ******s. Those Mexicans are
going before us!"

[kev535i]

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk

[califblue]

At a press conference in London yesterday, Paul McCartney was asked if, in the light of his recent separation, he thought he would ever go down on one knee again.


He said he wasn't sure, but that he would prefer that the media refer to her as Heather.

[winfred]

the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

[trumpetr]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a ****ing Chihuahua???!!!"

[632 Regal]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.



Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.



Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.



Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.



Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.



Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[joshua43214]

A man wakes late, and rush's off to work. As he enter's the office he is called into his boss's office and fired on the spot.

He sadly leaves the office and as he is walking to his car, he is just in time to see a dump truck have and accident and drop 20 tons of rock ontop of his brand new BMW. The police arrive and after looking the seen over, hand him a ticket for parking in a construction zone, so he knows the insurance company will attempt to deny any claim.

Taking a deep breath he heads to his favorite coffee shop to clear his head, only to have the waitress trip and dump a full cup of steaming coffee and a rasberry pie on his new suit.

Realizing the day was just going to be the worst day of his life, he heads home before something fatal occurs only to find his wife in bed with his best friend.

He just stares for a moment, then simly tells his wife to pack her things and never come back and that she would be hearing from his lawyer.

He turns to his best friend and shakes his finger and says in a firm voice, "BAD dog!"

[winfred]

Rules To Consider I

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

[BillionPa]

Sooo baaad..........

wouldnt the mexicans counter with "Today son, we are wetbacks!"