**********July Joke Thread***********

[632 Regal]

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at
first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am
getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs
to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham,
steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's
no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches,"
which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he
thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but
awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill
Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I
don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and
don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Carol

[pundit]

[winfred]

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

[632 Regal]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable
movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him; "As as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick andbring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Gayle]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable
movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him; "As as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick andbring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

So did you send this to Greg first or did Greg send it to you? I was just going to post it but you beat me to it. I was going to give Greg credit for it though.

I was even thinking about sending it to a few selfish men I know.

[Zeuk in Oz]

I was even thinking about sending it to a few selfish men I know.

Que ?

[Gayle]

Que ?

I need to do a disclaimer. My husband is not on the list of people I would send that to.

And Bo--I am sure your wife would not send you that joke either.

[califblue]

"BEST DAMN DIVORCE LETTER EVER WRITTEN"


Dear Connie:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.


Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.


But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.


Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. " I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at 'Hooters' and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.


She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.


What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes , but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.


I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?


Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.


Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.



And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."


Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing tequila Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.


And then it turns out your little sister Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you ?


It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.


If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is.

Your Loving Ex-husband,
Dan

[632 Regal]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

She replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

The wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

[trumpetr]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to
his first-year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly

He pointed to a woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your
******* is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied,

"More than likely deer hunting, golfing, or fishing with his buddies."