**********July Joke Thread***********

[Airborne001]

OK, don't ask me how I found this stuff. I'm not sure who should be more embarrased, me or the guys singing.

http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Shatner/...20Baggins.mpga

http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Shatner/Star%20Trekkin.mpga

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/Homosexuality.mp3



This one just hurts

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/lsd.mp3

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/...bInterview.mp3

Barbershop VD

http://www.daveamason.com/april/mp3/hervagina.mp3


...and last but not least the funniest damn thing I have ever heard anywhere in my whole 40 years

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/download.cfm?id=2062

[trumpetr]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did the whole job through the muffler."

[Regals Slut]

LMAO These were GREAT dude!!!!!!!!

[BillionPa]

O_o

[trumpetr]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said,"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. .... There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?

Little Patrick told him,"I was walking past your room last night , and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too.


And I'll be God damned if I'm staying here alone, with a $180.000
mortgage and no ****ing bike!"

[trumpetr]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive
flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring
flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company
composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement,
the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all
the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into
the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve gonna do
is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

[Mitch90535im]

I saw this on another board it's pretty funny.

Sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South?
Let's challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are
required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The
plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many Budweisers will be consumed before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the mans land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that
it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will
it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't
cha? It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya!
There’s a whole heap of things that big city book learning don't
prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE", here's some southern advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop
and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride
home with them.

[Mitch90535im]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[Mitch90535im]

A young Jewish football player entered Notre Dame to play football..at the end of the season he returned home,as luck would have it he runs into his Rabbi at the airport..The Rabbi asked "are they trying to convert you at South Bend"?...The young man responds.."Of course not father"...........

[winfred]

How many forum posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.