**********May Joke Thread**********

[632 Regal]

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[neil_004]

A blonde walks into the parts department and asks for some 710. Perplexed, the man questioned her more about this 710. She insists it is clearly marked on her engine.

The man goes out to check. The Blonde points to the part and the man turns it slightly and says 'Oh madam, you mean you want some OIL

[Zeuk in Oz]

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.


2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.


3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on!!


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[GJPinAU]

But have you seen their Dating Service ?
Look Here -----> New Zealand Dating Service
http://www.adultsheepfinder.com/index.html

Sorry guys, couldn't resist.

[Blitzkrieg Bob]

smoewhere, but it turned out to be a ram.....damn even the sheep from SF are dishonest on the net..

[Bimmer man]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with
emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time

I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[winfred]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

[gale]

New use for the term "bite me":

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,269455,00.html

[winfred]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[RockJock]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yeah", he says. "I was in the army for four years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment,"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar exploded near me and blew my
nuts off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "Okay, I can hire you right now. The hours are from
8:00 to 16:00 hrs You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00"

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 16:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
that!"