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[winfred]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[ironie]

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

[M20Turbo]

The IRS decides to audit Bubba, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Bubba shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Bubba. 'How about a
demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Bubba says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Bubba removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Bubba says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye.'Now the auditor can tell Bubba isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Bubba
removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Bubba's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Bubba asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there is no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Bubba stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Bubba's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Bubba told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could
come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[525i winter driver]

Thor, the god of thunder, is really bored one day and decides to go down to planet earth incognito for a drink at his favourite bar. Of course the ladies can't resist, and before too long he is taken home by one of the local girls for a night of drink-inspired passion.

The next morning, Thor quickly realizes that alcohol affects a god's perception much in the same way as it does a human's - that is to say, the girl who looked great last night, doesn't look so great anymore, is missing some teeth, and maybe even smells a little funny. "Thith wath the betht thex, i never want anyone elth," she declares. Being the noble warrior that he is, he tails it back to Valhalla just as fast as his 5spd 540i will take him.

The other gods are shocked by his misfortune, nevertheless they agree that he has done this poor girl a great disservice and must return again to rectify the matter. "Thor, if this poor girl doesn't find out the truth about you, no mortal man will ever satisfy her." Reluctantly, he returns to earth, hoping to put this matter behind him as quickly as possible.

He doesn't have to look far, she is waiting for him at the same bar.

"Oooh, lover you've come back to me - I've been waiting for you!"

"Uhh, hi... uhhh, look I don't remember your name..."

"...Thuthan..."

"Uhhh, yeah... Susan, look, there's something you should know... "

blank stare....

"Uhhh... yeah... it's just that... ummm.... well... I'm a God."

pause...

"... I know that already, lover."

"No no no... I mean I really am a real God... I'm Thor!"

Susan suddenly gets very angry. "Ah good, she understands," he thinks.

"You think you're thor! I'm tho ****ing thor I can't even pith!"

[gale]

AN ELECTRICAL THEORY TO REALLY GIVE SOME THOUGHT TO......


BY JOSEPH LUCAS


Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the

transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral

manifestation known as "smoke".


Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be

true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it

stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.


For example, if one places a copper bar across the termina ls of a battery,

prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases

to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from

an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be

observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and

inescapable!


The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device

to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the

system, nothing works afterward.


Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some

time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very

unsightly large wires.


It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more

prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American

counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and

all things British leak. Briti sh engines leak oil, British shock absorbers,

hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air

and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.


Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once

again, the logic is clear and inescapable.


In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the

form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical

components - especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.


And remember: "A gentleman does not motor about after dark." Joseph Lucas

(1842-1903)

[mikell]

New Car

I bought a new Lexus SC430 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant Georgia On My Mind, replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "A*s H*les!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and....Ted Kennedy on Scotch. Damn, I LOVE this car!

[GJPinAU]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young brunette, (yes it's
not a blonde this time!) wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for the
bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed,she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large
Australian bloke standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Aussie smiled and said, "Well, Babe, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I thought we were more than
friends"!

[GJPinAU]

10 signs you might be a Taliban

10. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.



9. You own a £1,500 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.



8. You have more wives than teeth.



7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.



6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.



5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your clothes.



4. You've never been asked, “Does this burka make my arse look big?”



3. You’re amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.



2. A common compliment is, “I love what you've done with your cave.”



And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:



1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean!

[ironie]

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[ironie]

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.